Top Ten Absurd Things to Read In a Survival Guide
The Top Ten
1 If you can't catch a rabbit, you will die. If you can't tie a slip knot, you will die. If you encounter an extraterrestrial cylinder with flashing lights, you will die. So, basically, seeya in hell.
Movies in a nutshell.
2 Written by the last survival experts to lose our peanuts. Or were we?
The words of a man nowhere near insanity...
3 You have been stuck in the middle of nowhere, having to ration all resources, which would never have lasted anyway. It's your love life.
4 If you encounter a Klingon, you are probably insane by now and should be put down.
And it's the right thing to do.
5 It could be worse; your mother-in-law could be here!
Nah, an ex girlfriend is worse.
6 If you encounter a mountain lion, make yourself look delicious. You'll just speed up the inevitable process.
Reminds me of a sign I saw down in Florida:
ALLIGATOR MATING SEASON
If attacked, fake orgasm.
, how morbidly funny!
7 All characters within this book are purely works of fiction.
And the tips we are going to give you now for survival purpose aren't for kids and immature people. WARNING: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.
Well, that's a relief. This plot made NO realistic sense to me!
So little Timmy is fake? Childhood ruined.
Lol nice one there!
8 The most efficient way to hang oneself...
9 You can survive in Birmingham for an hour, you can survive in the wilderness for three days!
10 A better survival guide can be found online. With a phone. So we can rescue.
The Contenders
11 You Are Gonna Die Kill Yourself First
12 In order to survive, you must mix two teaspoons of phosphorus with a drop of einsteinium
Well... einsteinium has a very low half life and it would be unlikely for this to happen.
13 In case of badgers, run around in a rectangular formation screaming "GIRAFFE!"
14 At least you're not in New Jersey
What if you are in Jersey.
15 And you thought rush hour was hard
16 Hoverboards Guide is an online hover shoes, hoverboard with handlers, electric scooter, skateboards with wrist guards and gloves, motorized unicycle, and roller skates selling store has been successfully working for couple of years.
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