Best Chuck Norris Facts

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The Top Ten

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
oh my god, this is by far the funniest of them all... couldn't stop laughing!
Swim on land... That's the best one there is here! I love it! I guess physics just got crapped on.
by far the best nobody can do this but Chuck Norris... I'm still laughing man. Chuck Norris is the best, better than the Zohan
[Newest]LOL! The funniest joke ever!

2If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.
"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.
Haha. Chuck Norrised... Love it. This ones a keeper for sure. CHUCK NORRIS for the win Pure awesomeness here
[Newest]Nice :) Pretty hard to imagine though.

3Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.
This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD
Voters! Please get some sense of humor... This one should be at the TOP! Not down here!


TOO damn hilarious. This was the best fact ever created. So simple, yet so complex in it's true sentence. I probably just saw god... Okay no, not really. But this is better than any other, and some even get kinda... Blah? I guess, this never get's old.
[Newest]So he took virgin out of the name

4Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I always wondered what he was hiding from but the answer is quite simple.
This one never fail to make me laugh It's really funny! I think this one should be on the top 3.
Yeah, it's funny because waldo is so wimpy looking.


[Newest]I love this one I kept going around tell people joke for a long time nobody laughed

5Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
all of these are great but this one is the best


Laugh out loud this one is just so amazing. How can it be number four when it should be number one and then some with a side of chips well done and medium rare
[Newest]I agree, it the best can't touch this well chuck norris can haha

6Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin.
This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?
This is so brilliant! The person who invented this is a genius. But not more of a genius than Chuck Norris. Definitely not... Who are you? NO! Please don't! I'm gonna -
[Newest]I haven't tried deleting recycling bin. But I can fairly guess logically that this is impossible to do so.


7Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.
I love the added its a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.
I love this one! Its hilarious! (mike fizzle chisel has approved this message. )
Then the president of each country asks Chuck Norris to cut onions in a cancer hospital. He then got a Nobel prize.


8When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud
Well, everyone is afraid to be Chuck Norrised after all, but boogieman? Clever move chuck!

Hahaha undoubtably the funniest Norris joke ever, laughed just about every single time I have read it somewhere!
[Newest]Haha that's so clever

9Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Hey guess what I just fooled Chuck Norris! What is he gonna do! You now what? I DARE him to come over here and start banging my head on the keybkjsdkljdfnvughfjfhskakwmdjfjcndmd
Chuck Norris is very assertive with the way he acts, NOBODY can make fun of him even "natural phenomena" can't be a "smart ass" against Chuck.
Guys don't worry I'm sure that chuck norris keyboard slamming thing is just a mythfhdghfhdhbxusjfhftjjffjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjjffjfkkffjjfkjhggddsdccvbjkkkhfgdgddtdggddyyddydg

10There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!
A very good one indeed, it really reflects Chucks longevity, he's been roundhouse kicking dinosaurs into extinction
Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny
[Newest]Nice! It's like Chuck Norris rules!


The Contenders

11Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret
Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...
Simply the best, also the Jesus one is good
I have a secret love for him, but it's NO SECRET, because everyone KNOWS I LOVE him! 😉

12Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Lmao I can't believe this one isn't in the top 5. Do yall even know what braille is? Lmao
This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!
He can also speak French, in Russian. He can hear sign language too.

13If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.
Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up

Because He's WATCHING! Nice change from the usual pattern of Chuck Norris jokes, which let's just say are a teensy bit repetitive.
[Newest]I spelled Chak Norris on Google. It showed pics of Chuck Norris. Not run.

14Chuck Norris converted God to atheism
AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!
This one is awful. It should be on the bottom of the list
Guys, come on, I know we can laugh but that's just disrespectful to GOD. Even if I wasnt a Christian it still wouldn't be that funny. There are plenty of funny chuck norris jokes out there.
[Newest]This is offensive. No one must/can do like that.


15Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.
Man this jokes is awesome.
Family guy! Made me smile
Kinda like the guys from ZZ Top hahahahahaha. It's true they don't have lower jaws

16When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-
Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!
Imagining this makes me cry of laughter
[Newest]What if he did weightlifting?

17Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.
$ made me laugh so much! @@@ I love this one so much!


Although this one is a classic, I love it.


18There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control
I cracked up the moment I heard this, in my opinion this is one of the best Norris jokes ever.


That's so very true. Chuck Norris is always in control.


19Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Laugh out loud, that's so funny cause manslaughter is not supposed to be funny. He kills people.

20Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Awesome! Imagine someone sleeping with their head on a gun and a pillow underneath! This one should have been rated way higher!
Simple but hilarious! The jokes that are only one sentence are always the most funny.
Awesome joke! This joke is funny in 2 ways.


21Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Laugh out loud Tom Cruise invented pink. This made me laugh my butt off.


Tom can do pink better than no man, laugh out loud
Nice one bro... Tom cruz invented pink... Hilarious.. It's like christmus in july, norris invented all color except pink, because he is menliest man on earth..

22Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.
Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious
Chuck norris is dead? NO


That has to be the best fact. Hand down.

23Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people
This is the most popular and the funniest... Simple and plain... Norris is a beast
Yeah, Chuck Norris rules the galaxies!
The above sentence wasn't a joke.


24Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
The only one that has truly made me laugh. The it was came out six foot tall and had learned karate part was just brilliant
I agree! Its the only one that actually made me laugh its funny if you just imagine chuck doing that

25Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)
He can. But he never revealed the answer. Otherwise mathematicians will lose their morale.


Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'i', sqrt(-1)

26Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.
This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".
Funniest one ever whoever thought of this should be talked about in the same conversations and einstien and steven hawking
yeah pretty much the best chuck norris joke.

at least that I've seen in a while.
[Newest]This is just classic! It's like he's surely a pisser!


27Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
This is different my friend :D It actually make me laugh :DD

28Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
The only one thus far to have made me laugh except for the one talking about how he is in control and how he knows Victoria's Secret.
This is hilarious. He killed all the life out of it. That's why mars is red, it is covered by blood.
Absolutely correct. They met such a fate because they insulted Chuck Norris by addressing him as the "Norris of Chuck".


[Newest]Top ten at least

29The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Because he punched a horse, it's neck got real long? Like a knock-your-block off robot? Meh. OK joke.
Ie he can change the dna of something just by touching it! Made me laugh!
This is actually the only thing on this website that made me laugh. The unbelievable stupidity...

30Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.
Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!
JTHM much?


I wonder how that would feel?

31Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.
This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.
Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.
I'm actually crying, this is one of the only ones on this list to make me laugh out loud. Love it
[Newest]Very true, also hilarious!

32Chuck Norris makes onions cry
Too funny :P
Onions crying lol. This should be number one!
Lol who started this chuck norris stuff. He is the best
... And a Happy Meal, too

33Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
never heard this one hahaha. There are other funny ones but this is new.
As a member of the revolving door's fan club, I gotta share this with the others! Laughed off asses will be everywhere!
That's good. Please, tell me. Who came up with this? Don't try and take credit, everyone. It's really good.

34Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone.
Should at least be in the top ten. This one and the Waldo are too funny. Waldo is #5 currently "Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "
There's the yo mamas so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone joke


:))) chuck norris is amazing! :)))
[Newest]Yeah, Go Chuck Norris you're the best!


35How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
Best. One. YET! They're all great. But this one is awesome! I have one: " a bullet hit chuck Norris...
and the bullet said ouch" laugh out loud

36Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the s*** out of it.
The best... I mean don't you people see it? This is the absolute best...
Wow! The jokes at the bottom of this list is better than the top ones.


37Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Earth, and it never stopped spinning.
This one made me laugh out loud I'm suprised it's not in the top 10
Thanks to Chuck Norris, Indian cities began receiving sunlight!


38Chuck Norris counted to infinity in Chinese ... twice.
So funny I am 9 years old and can count in Spanish to only 30!

39Chuck Norris doesn't sleep ... he waits.
Hilarious. It's like "lol" what is he waiting for.. But deep down, you know.
Read this years ago... I still laughed, silently, as I didn't want to a"wait" Chuck Norris... Sh.
My favorite so far. Laughed out loud
[Newest]Huh, I cannot understand this joke.


40Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris is the best! I was quietly reading the list and once I've got here it took a few sec until I got it but than laugh out loud
This one is actually really creative!


41In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
they don't even need to, that's obvious.

comment quality for chuck norris is allways excelent I bet(given that it can only reach good)... :(

42Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
To funny for words

43Kids go to sleep with a teddy bear. Chuck Norris goes to sleep with an actual bear.
I believe this fact to be true but don't forget about the other deadly animals at the bottom of his bed
Laugh out loud.. Wow
He goes to bed with paddington after he kidnapped him from the brown family


44Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower
Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.


Yeah, but CN could mean Cartoon Network, right?


Nice I actually laughed at this one.

45Chuck Norris once pissed on an ordinary truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.
pretty G if you ask me.
Chuck norris is the coolest man on the planet, and I can't believe that you need to do al of this just so I could put that one sentence up there.
The joke sounds better if you say it like this, "Chuck Norris was having sex with a girl in a truck when a bit of his semen dropped onto the seat. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. "

46Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
To much laughter in one line :D

47Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle
So simple so funny

48Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

49God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
That's the best in my opinion
This one's funny to death
Blasphemy I know, but this one made me laugh

50Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death...he wins fair and square.

51Chuck Norris asked the chicken to cross the road

52Chuck Norris built the house he was born in with his bare hands.

53Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
I was quietly reading... this one made me lol.
Chuck can even empower a normal bird just by throwing it. Poor stones,


54Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out!

55Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat, because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
That explains a lot. I knew the history books lied.

56Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Laugh out loud ultimately amazing this one should be moved way up the ranks
Just imagine if Chuck Norris really exists with all these abilities?


57Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Good poem. Chuck Norris would be proud of this.


This is amazing because jack is quick and lol

58Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

59Chuck Norris has a stunt double for crying scenes.
Excellent this one is pretty fresh.

Space holder cushion words
This is very clever and funny. :3
You'd think he'd have a stunt double for dieing. Laugh out loud I love the joke.

60Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

61Chuck Norris can not fly he jumps in the air and chooses to come down

62Chuck Norris sleeps once a year (September 11)

63If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
It is a cool joke, but I can't understand it.


64Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Great! He is the best!


65Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day
This one was awesome. Really made me laugh. And all these years I thought superman didn't need a teacher!
This one is really nice. Superb!


66Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
Lolcano this made me rofl no actually I rolled
On the floor laughing. Should be number 1

67Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

68According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

69When it rains, you know Chuck Norris punched the clouds.

70Chuck Norris had a part in Star Wars. He was the force.
The first to actually make me laugh out loud, haha

71Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House
This is really funny
I wonder why it's not in the top 10's
Come on guys!

72When Chuck Norris watches a chick flick it is considered manly

73Superman wears Chuck Norris boxers

74When Chuck Norris burps issues an alert
Come on guys, this has to be in the top 10!


75When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never spank Chuck Norris!
To me this is just a classic - it's one of the only decent ones that doesn't just keep talking about his roundhouse kicks. I'm surprised it hasn't shown up on the list yet!


76Chuck Norris can stare at the sun and the sun goes blind

77Chuck Norris kicks the Down syndrome right out of kids

78Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.

79The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

80Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
LAUGHED SO HARD! Wonder how often that happens though
ROFL! This is the one I laughed at the hardest, didn't expect such a thing, very funny...
Lmao! I want to meet Chuck Norris

81Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
... This really needs to be in the top 5 really

82When ghosts go camping, they sit around a camp fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

83Chuck Norris can dislike something on Facebook.
Haha Best one yet. I was just looking through all of them not sure What I should vote for and I found this. Haha. Maybe it's because I'm addicted to facebook but I voted for it!

84The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
I don't know why but after all of the others this is the first one that made me laugh aloud. I've never heard it.


85Iron Maiden have a fear of the dark, but the dark has a fear of Chuck Norris.
Hilarious! I think Chuck Norris jokes are funny and I love Iron Maiden so this was the perfect one for me!
And Chuck Norris has a fear of Iron Maiden!


86Chuck Norris can blow a tornado away

87Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
LMFAO! This one should REALLY be moved up the ranks, I laughed so hard!
Laugh out loud. Enough said.

88Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
This I believe should be higher simply because it's clever, compared to most of the comments above

89Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
The answer to the question everyone has been asking! Should be higher up the list!

90Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

91Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chick Norris wasn't born with a virginity

92People call 911, 911 calls Chuck Norris

93There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

94If you stare at an American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris will appear.

95Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.

96Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
This should be in top 10. Pretty funny.

97Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
Too bad he didn't receive any Nobel prize for it.


98Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
So true considering that PCs are known for having lags and crashes

99Chuck Norris never ages. Each year is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Wow that I amazing :D

100Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
This joke is superb! Must be higher!


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This list was created 7 years, 222 days ago and has been voted on over 8,000 times. This top ten list contains 447 items, has been remixed 29 times and has been blogged about 2 times.

Updated Saturday, April 25, 2015

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