Best Chuck Norris Facts

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The Top Ten

1
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
oh my god, this is by far the funniest of them all... couldn't stop laughing!
Swim on land... That's the best one there is here! I love it! I guess physics just got crapped on.
by far the best nobody can do this but Chuck Norris... I'm still laughing man. Chuck Norris is the best, better than the Zohan
[Newest]Haha! This one is great.
More comments about Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

2If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.
"Chuck Norrised"... Haha! Virtual bouquet of flowers to whoever came up with this one! Awesome. Oddly enough, I haven't come across this one before, but as so many have declared--this one is gold.
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY HAS THIS IN IT! (YOUTUBE)
Haha. Chuck Norrised... Love it. This ones a keeper for sure. CHUCK NORRIS for the win Pure awesomeness here
[Newest]Haha! I love Chuck Norris facts! Here's another good one.
"There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but they changed it's name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. "
More comments about If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.

3Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.
This fact REALLY made my day!
I laughed so hard as soon as I read it!
Chuck Norris FTW!

P.S. : Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone... xD
Voters! Please get some sense of humor... This one should be at the TOP! Not down here!

Xion

TOO damn hilarious. This was the best fact ever created. So simple, yet so complex in it's true sentence. I probably just saw god... Okay no, not really. But this is better than any other, and some even get kinda... Blah? I guess, this never get's old.
[Newest]So he took virgin out of the name
More comments about Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.

4Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
I always wondered what he was hiding from but the answer is quite simple.
This one never fail to make me laugh It's really funny! I think this one should be on the top 3.
Yeah, it's funny because waldo is so wimpy looking.

masterblaster

More comments about Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

5Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
all of these are great but this one is the best

moose4life19

I don't KNOW WHY THIS IS NUMBER 2 because ITS WAY BETTER THAN NUMBER 1!
ALSO WHERE IS DEATH ONCE HAD A NEAR CHUCK NORRIS EXPERIENCE! Laugh out loud
Laugh out loud this one is just so amazing. How can it be number four when it should be number one and then some with a side of chips well done and medium rare
[Newest]Come on! Everyone knows its hard to touch MC Hammer. I met him and almost touched him and he broke out into song! (=
More comments about Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

6Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
It's really only funny for those who have actually tried to delete the recycling bin.
This is just the best 1 out there! Props to whom ever made it up. How much trash do you have to write here to be able to Post?
This is so brilliant! The person who invented this is a genius. But not more of a genius than Chuck Norris. Definitely not... Who are you? NO! Please don't! I'm gonna -
[Newest]I haven't tried deleting recycling bin. But I can fairly guess logically that this is impossible to do so.

Kiteretsunu

More comments about Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

7Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.
I love the added its a shame he never cried at the end. Laugh out loud This one is by far the funniest. I hadn't seen this one before but it rules.
I love this one! Its hilarious! (mike fizzle chisel has approved this message. )
That one is my dads all time favorite! He would be proud of me to see me vote fot this.
More comments about Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.

8When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Well that is just really weird you know. I mean when I go to sleep the room is filled with boogiemen. I guess they chose to hide in my room. Laugh out loud
Well, everyone is afraid to be Chuck Norrised after all, but boogieman? Clever move chuck!

Hahaha undoubtably the funniest Norris joke ever, laughed just about every single time I have read it somewhere!
[Newest]Funny stuff I thought it was hilarious. I love chuck norris keep sending jokes
More comments about When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

9Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Hey guess what I just fooled Chuck Norris! What is he gonna do! You now what? I DARE him to come over here and start banging my head on the keybkjsdkljdfnvughfjfhskakwmdjfjcndmd
Chuck Norris is very assertive with the way he acts, NOBODY can make fun of him even "natural phenomena" can't be a "smart ass" against Chuck.
Guys don't worry I'm sure that chuck norris keyboard slamming thing is just a mythfhdghfhdhbxusjfhftjjffjfjfjfjfjfjfjfjjffjfkkffjjfkjhggddsdccvbjkkkhfgdgddtdggddyyddydg
More comments about Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

10Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret
Simply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...
Simply the best, also the Jesus one is good
Imply laugh out loud... I laughed my butt off after hearing this one... Its simple and funny...

The Contenders

11There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
I love it when these facts can come up in intense debates. Nothing better than throwing someone off with some Chuck Norris!
A very good one indeed, it really reflects Chucks longevity, he's been roundhouse kicking dinosaurs into extinction
Oh my Gosh! This is made my day. So damn funny
More comments about There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

12Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Lmao I can't believe this one isn't in the top 5. Do yall even know what braille is? Lmao
This is the best one I have ever heard. The other good ones made me chuckle but this one seriously made me burst out laughing. Please go look up braille if you don't know what it is!
He can also speak French, in Russian. He can hear sign language too.
More comments about Chuck Norris can speak braille.

13If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.
Laugh out loud, most of the Chuck Norris jokes are quite repetitive but this one is just plain awesome. Good job to whoever made this up
THIS THE ONLY CHUCK NORRIS FACT I'VE HEARD THAT HAS MADE ME LAUGH!

I LOVE IT!
The first one which REALLY made me laugh out loud... Which typically only happens when I write something.
More comments about If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.

14Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.
Man this jokes is awesome.
Family guy! Made me smile
Kinda like the guys from ZZ Top hahahahahaha. It's true they don't have lower jaws

15Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.
$
$
$ made me laugh so much! @@@ I love this one so much!

Froggy


16When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
I imagine when he was doing pull-ups. Maybe the sky is drawn down below -laugh out loud-
Chuck Norris is the funniest guy I've ever met. The #11statement is absolutely true. I Wish I get a chance to meet Chuck Norris someday!
Imagining this makes me cry of laughter
More comments about When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

17There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control
I cracked up the moment I heard this, in my opinion this is one of the best Norris jokes ever.

cyclone1248

That's so very true. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Kiteretsunu


18Chuck Norris converted God to atheism
AHAHAA that's just great, it says that he saw God and convinced him that HE doesn't exist!
Guys, come on, I know we can laugh but that's just disrespectful to GOD. Even if I wasnt a Christian it still wouldn't be that funny. There are plenty of funny chuck norris jokes out there.
This one is awful. It should be on the bottom of the list
More comments about Chuck Norris converted God to atheism

19Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Awesome! Imagine someone sleeping with their head on a gun and a pillow underneath! This one should have been rated way higher!
Simple but hilarious! The jokes that are only one sentence are always the most funny.
This one is th best

Grimreaper7


20Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Laugh out loud Tom Cruise invented pink. This made me laugh my butt off.

nintendofan126

Nice one bro... Tom cruz invented pink... Hilarious.. It's like christmus in july, norris invented all color except pink, because he is menliest man on earth..

21Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.
Damn good one. I heard Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice. But this is hilarious
HAHA I heard something like this before but it was a long time ago. But as soon as I heard it before I CRACKED IT IN THE FLOOR
That has to be the best fact. Hand down.

22Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people
This is the most popular and the funniest... Simple and plain... Norris is a beast

23Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Laugh out loud, that's so funny cause manslaughter is not supposed to be funny. He kills people.

24Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
This is so awesome. All you people don't know math to see how funny this is. (It is impossible to divide by zero)
He can. But he never revealed the answer. Otherwise mathematicians will lose their morale.

Kiteretsunu

Math must be really easy for him... Haha.. Maybe he can find the exact value of 'i', sqrt(-1)
More comments about Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

25Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
The only one thus far to have made me laugh except for the one talking about how he is in control and how he knows Victoria's Secret.
This is hilarious. He killed all the life out of it. That's why mars is red, it is covered by blood.
Absolutely correct. They met such a fate because they insulted Chuck Norris by addressing him as the "Norris of Chuck".

Kiteretsunu

More comments about Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

26The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Because he punched a horse, it's neck got real long? Like a knock-your-block off robot? Meh. OK joke.
Ie he can change the dna of something just by touching it! Made me laugh!

27Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.
This one REALLY took the cake!
Just as the underestimated: "Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun".
Funniest one ever whoever thought of this should be talked about in the same conversations and einstien and steven hawking
yeah pretty much the best chuck norris joke.

at least that I've seen in a while.
More comments about Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.

28Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.
This one is different than the usually stupid Chuck Norris jokes. Love it. I actually laughed at this one.
Laugh out loud ill never look at a potato sack the same way.
I'm actually crying, this is one of the only ones on this list to make me laugh out loud. Love it
More comments about Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.

29Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
never heard this one hahaha. There are other funny ones but this is new.
As a member of the revolving door's fan club, I gotta share this with the others! Laughed off asses will be everywhere!
That's good. Please, tell me. Who came up with this? Don't try and take credit, everyone. It's really good.

30Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
The only one that has truly made me laugh. The it was came out six foot tall and had learned karate part was just brilliant
I agree! Its the only one that actually made me laugh its funny if you just imagine chuck doing that

31How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
Best. One. YET! They're all great. But this one is awesome! I have one: " a bullet hit chuck Norris...
and the bullet said ouch" laugh out loud

32Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.
Laugh out loud this one absolutely needs to be in the top ten^^
Imagine someone killing with a spoon!
JTHM much?

LOLOLOLOL DUDE. THAT'S CLASSIC!

I wonder how that would feel?

33Chuck Norris makes onions cry
Too funny :P
Onions crying lol. This should be number one!
Lol who started this chuck norris stuff. He is the best
... And a Happy Meal, too

34Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Earth, and it never stopped spinning.
This one made me laugh out loud I'm suprised it's not in the top 10

35Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
This is different my friend :D It actually make me laugh :DD

36Chuck Norris doesn't sleep ... he waits.
Hilarious. It's like "lol" what is he waiting for.. But deep down, you know.
Read this years ago... I still laughed, silently, as I didn't want to a"wait" Chuck Norris... Sh.
My favorite so far. Laughed out loud

37Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris is the best! I was quietly reading the list and once I've got here it took a few sec until I got it but than laugh out loud
This one is actually really creative!

NerdyPweeps


38Chuck Norris counted to infinity in Chinese ... twice.
So funny I am 9 years old and can count in Spanish to only 30!

39Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone.
Should at least be in the top ten. This one and the Waldo are too funny. Waldo is #5 currently "Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. "
:))) chuck norris is amazing! :)))
Nice one too smply

40In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
they don't even need to, that's obvious.

comment quality for chuck norris is allways excelent I bet(given that it can only reach good)... :(

41Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the s*** out of it.
The best... I mean don't you people see it? This is the absolute best...

42Kids go to sleep with a teddy bear. Chuck Norris goes to sleep with an actual bear.
I believe this fact to be true but don't forget about the other deadly animals at the bottom of his bed
Laugh out loud.. Wow

43Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower
Laugh out loud.. Funny jokes dude... I can stop laugh after reading this one...
But the best jokes is at number 17...
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

muhammadfajri

So true. I laugh out loud'd at this one the hardest of all. I can know say I've been Inside a replica of Chuck Norris Penis :D
Nice I actually laughed at this one.

44Chuck Norris once pissed on an ordinary truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.
pretty G if you ask me.
Chuck norris is the coolest man on the planet, and I can't believe that you need to do al of this just so I could put that one sentence up there.
The joke sounds better if you say it like this, "Chuck Norris was having sex with a girl in a truck when a bit of his semen dropped onto the seat. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime. "

45Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
To much laughter in one line :D

46Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle
So simple so funny

47Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

48God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
That's the best in my opinion
This one's funny to death
Blasphemy I know, but this one made me laugh

49Chuck Norris asked the chicken to cross the road

50Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
To funny for words

51Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death...he wins fair and square.

52Chuck Norris built the house he was born in with his bare hands.

53Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out!

54Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat, because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
That explains a lot. I knew the history books lied.

55Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
Laugh out loud ultimately amazing this one should be moved way up the ranks

56Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
I was quietly reading... this one made me lol.

57Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Good poem. Chuck Norris would be proud of this.

Kiteretsunu


58Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

59Chuck Norris has a stunt double for crying scenes.
Excellent this one is pretty fresh.

Space holder cushion words
This is very clever and funny. :3
You'd think he'd have a stunt double for dieing. Laugh out loud I love the joke.

60Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

61Chuck Norris can not fly he jumps in the air and chooses to come down

62Chuck Norris sleeps once a year (September 11)

63If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

64Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day
This one was awesome. Really made me laugh. And all these years I thought superman didn't need a teacher!

65Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
Lolcano this made me rofl no actually I rolled
On the floor laughing. Should be number 1

66Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

67Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

68When it rains, you know Chuck Norris punched the clouds.

69When Chuck Norris watches a chick flick it is considered manly

70Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House
This is really funny
I wonder why it's not in the top 10's
Come on guys!

71According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

72Chuck Norris had a part in Star Wars. He was the force.
The first to actually make me laugh out loud, haha

73When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never spank Chuck Norris!
To me this is just a classic - it's one of the only decent ones that doesn't just keep talking about his roundhouse kicks. I'm surprised it hasn't shown up on the list yet!

cyclone1248


74Chuck Norris can stare at the sun and the sun goes blind

75When Chuck Norris burps weather.com issues an alert

76Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.

77Chuck Norris kicks the Down syndrome right out of kids

78The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

79Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
LAUGHED SO HARD! Wonder how often that happens though
ROFL! This is the one I laughed at the hardest, didn't expect such a thing, very funny...
Lmao! I want to meet Chuck Norris

80Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
... This really needs to be in the top 5 really

81When ghosts go camping, they sit around a camp fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

82Superman wears Chuck Norris boxers

83The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
I don't know why but after all of the others this is the first one that made me laugh aloud. I've never heard it.

TheCamoGhost


84Iron Maiden have a fear of the dark, but the dark has a fear of Chuck Norris.
Hilarious! I think Chuck Norris jokes are funny and I love Iron Maiden so this was the perfect one for me!

85Chuck Norris can blow a tornado away

86Chuck Norris can dislike something on Facebook.
Haha Best one yet. I was just looking through all of them not sure What I should vote for and I found this. Haha. Maybe it's because I'm addicted to facebook but I voted for it!

87Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
LMFAO! This one should REALLY be moved up the ranks, I laughed so hard!
Laugh out loud. Enough said.

88Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

89Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
This I believe should be higher simply because it's clever, compared to most of the comments above

90Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
The answer to the question everyone has been asking! Should be higher up the list!

91There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

92Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chick Norris wasn't born with a virginity

93If you stare at an American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris will appear.

94People call 911, 911 calls Chuck Norris

95Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.

96Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

97Chuck Norris never ages. Each year is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
Wow that I amazing :D

98Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
So true considering that PCs are known for having lags and crashes

99Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

100Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
This should be in top 10. Pretty funny.

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This list was created 7 years, 15 days ago and has been voted on over 8,000 times. This top ten list contains 426 items, has been remixed 28 times and has been blogged about 2 times.

Updated Tuesday, September 30, 2014


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