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1Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
2If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.
3Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.
4Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
6Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
7Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.
8When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
9Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
10Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret
11There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
12Chuck Norris can speak braille.
13Chuck Norris converted God to atheism
14Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.
15There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control
16If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.
17Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.
18Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.
19Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
20Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people
21Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
22When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
23Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
24Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.
25Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.
26Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
27Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
28How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
29Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.
30Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
31Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
32Chuck Norris makes onions cry
33The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
34Chuck Norris doesn't sleep ... he waits.
35Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
36Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
37Chuck Norris counted to infinity in Chinese ... twice.
38Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower
39Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone.
40Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the s*** out of it.
41Kids go to sleep with a teddy bear. Chuck Norris goes to sleep with an actual bear.
42Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
43Chuck Norris once pissed on an ordinary truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.
44Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Earth, and it never stopped spinning.
45Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle
46In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
47Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
48God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
49Chuck Norris asked the chicken to cross the road
50Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
51Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death...he wins fair and square.
52Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day
53Chuck Norris built the house he was born in with his bare hands.
54Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
55Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat, because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
56Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
57Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
58Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
59Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
60Chuck Norris has a stunt double for crying scenes.
61Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
62Chuck Norris can not fly he jumps in the air and chooses to come down
63Chuck Norris sleeps once a year (September 11)
64Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.
65Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House
66If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
67Chuck Norris had a part in Star Wars. He was the force.
68Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.
69When it rains, you know Chuck Norris punched the clouds.
70God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please.
71Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
72When Chuck Norris watches a chick flick it is considered manly
73Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
74According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
75When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never spank Chuck Norris!
76Chuck Norris can stare at the sun and the sun goes blind
77When Chuck Norris burps weather.com issues an alert
78The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
79Chuck Norris kicks the Down syndrome right out of kids
80Chuck Norris once dropped a pebble. That was the day the dinosaurs went extinct.
81When ghosts go camping, they sit around a camp fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
82Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
83Superman wears Chuck Norris boxers
84Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
85Chuck Norris can blow a tornado away
86The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
87Iron Maiden have a fear of the dark, but the dark has a fear of Chuck Norris.
88Chuck Norris can dislike something on Facebook.
89Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
90Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
91Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
92There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
93If you stare at an American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris will appear.
94People call 911, 911 calls Chuck Norris
95Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
96Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
97Chuck Norris never ages. Each year is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
98Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
99Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
100Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
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