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1Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
2If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.
3Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.
4Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
5Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
6Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
7Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, it's a shame he's never cried.
8When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
9Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
10Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret
11There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
12Chuck Norris can speak braille.
13If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.
14Behind Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.
15Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.
16When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.
17There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control
18Chuck Norris converted God to atheism
19Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
20Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
21Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can't build up the courage to tell him.
22Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris kills people
23Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
24Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
25Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
26The first giraffe was created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
27Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time he pisses.
28Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag girls. He potato sacks them.
29Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
30Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate
31How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ... All of it.
32Chuck Norris invented the spoon. Killing with a knife was too easy.
33Chuck Norris makes onions cry
34Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the Earth, and it never stopped spinning.
35Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
36Chuck Norris doesn't sleep ... he waits.
37Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
38Chuck Norris counted to infinity in Chinese ... twice.
39Chuck Norris can strangle someone with a cordless phone.
40In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
41Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the s*** out of it.
42Kids go to sleep with a teddy bear. Chuck Norris goes to sleep with an actual bear.
43Toronto made a replica of Chuck Norris's penis. They just used his initials and called it the CN Tower
44Chuck Norris once pissed on an ordinary truck. We now know that truck as Optimus Prime.
45Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.
46Chuck Norris Can Do a Wheelie On a Unicycle
47Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
48God said "let there be light", Chuck Norris said "say please"
49Chuck Norris asked the chicken to cross the road
50Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won
51Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death...he wins fair and square.
52Chuck Norris built the house he was born in with his bare hands.
53Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out!
54Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat, because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
55Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
56Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
57Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
58Chuck Norris sleeps with a nightlight not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
59Chuck Norris has a stunt double for crying scenes.
60Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
61Chuck Norris can not fly he jumps in the air and chooses to come down
62Chuck Norris sleeps once a year (September 11)
63If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
64Superman goes to meet Chuck Norris each year on Teacher's Day
65Life insurance premiums are based on how far you live from Chuck Norris.
66Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
67Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
68When it rains, you know Chuck Norris punched the clouds.
69When Chuck Norris watches a chick flick it is considered manly
70Once Chuck Norris masturbated in a house... now it's called The White House
71According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
72When Chuck Norris burps weather.com issues an alert
73Chuck Norris had a part in Star Wars. He was the force.
74When Chuck Norris was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never spank Chuck Norris!
75Chuck Norris can stare at the sun and the sun goes blind
76Chuck Norris doesn't use dental floss he uses barbed wire.
77Chuck Norris kicks the Down syndrome right out of kids
78The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
79Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
80Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest with a fish.
81When ghosts go camping, they sit around a camp fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
82Superman wears Chuck Norris boxers
83The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
84Iron Maiden have a fear of the dark, but the dark has a fear of Chuck Norris.
85Chuck Norris can blow a tornado away
86Chuck Norris can dislike something on Facebook.
87Chuck Norris is the reason why the chicken crossed the road.
88Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
89Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
90Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
91There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
92If you stare at an American flag long enough, a 3D image of Chuck Norris will appear.
93Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
94People call 911, 911 calls Chuck Norris
95Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares it to grow.
96Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands
97Chuck Norris never ages. Each year is just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
98Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
99Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
100Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
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