Best Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

August 2, 2015 - Don't you love the lies we tell our kids! I do. Here are some of my favorites that I was told in my youth. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

There is a Santa Claus
The sweetest of dreams! A benevolent white-bearded man coming down the chimney - we left cookies and carrots for him and his reindeer. My older sister and I felt like we were the last ones in school to find out the truth; my younger sister felt the burden of keeping the charade alive. I'm 42 and we still get presents from St. Nick. A beautiful lie! (I include the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and all the other wonderful make-believe figments of society's imagination.
Saint Nicholas is real, but he ded and he's not the one we imagined. He doesn't look like we think he does (I think he was actually pretty skinny), he didn't come down chimneys, he didn't watch you, he didn't give presents to only the nice people, he gave them to the ones who were struggling in life: financially, etc, etc.


Same thing here. My parents still expect me to believe even though I already know. Now it's up to me to act like a 4 year old about Santa cause I'm the youngest.


2We love each of you children equally
Right! That's how come Cathy got a car and I didn't.

3Don't cross your eyes or else they will get stuck
I thought this was true until about ten seconds ago! Well I feel stupid...

4Don't masterbate or you'll go blind
I Heard that In Grand Theft Auto 5 While Hearing Ron Talking About That On His Radio Show BCR Commity Hour


5Don't pee in the pool or a red ring of ink will surround you
My Uncle Mike told me this one! It worked. I was deathly afraid of embarrassing myself - even the slightest urge had me scampering out of the water to the bathroom. Brilliant! I've told it a few times myself.

6Don't swallow the seeds or a watermelon tree will grow out of your mouth
There wouldn't be enough sun, soil, water, etc. for the seed to grow. Plus, how would the seed germinate inside a stomach?


I won a watermelon eating contest at Pizmo Beach in the summer of '77 and I must have swallowed a thousand of them - No Tree!

7You can't go swimming until an hour after you eat
Chalk this one up to ignorance. Just parents repeating the same crap their parents told them. Somebody must stop the cycle of BS. - although I do remember a particularly harsh burpy swim practice after downing a whole pizza.

8Don't swallow your gum. It takes 7 years to digest.
Pure parental bull crap! I should have asked dad to show me his medical degree. Lucky for him it was pre-Google. Would have loved to call him out on that one!

9Men don't cry
Found that one out the hard way!

10This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you
What? Not unless a razor is sticking out of my butt!

The Contenders

11God is real

12They have eyes in the back of their heads

13You're not going to hell

14I have eyes in the back of my head

15There is a the tooth fairy

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