Best Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

Don't you love the lies we tell our kids! I do. Here are some of my favorites that I was told in my youth.

The Top Ten

1 There is a Santa Claus

The sweetest of dreams! A benevolent white-bearded man coming down the chimney - we left cookies and carrots for him and his reindeer. My older sister and I felt like we were the last ones in school to find out the truth; my younger sister felt the burden of keeping the charade alive. I'm 42 and we still get presents from St. Nick. A beautiful lie! (I include the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and all the other wonderful make-believe figments of society's imagination.

Saint Nicholas is real, but he ded and he's not the one we imagined. He doesn't look like we think he does (I think he was actually pretty skinny), he didn't come down chimneys, he didn't watch you, he didn't give presents to only the nice people, he gave them to the ones who were struggling in life: financially, etc, etc. - Evant

Same thing here. My parents still expect me to believe even though I already know. Now it's up to me to act like a 4 year old about Santa cause I'm the youngest. - notyetsaved

SHHH kids could be reading this - cdxtreme

2 We love each of you children equally

Right! That's how come Cathy got a car and I didn't.

Maybe to my dad but my mum likes my sister a LOT more. - KingFab

So one child is loved and the others are hated - mayamanga

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3 Don't cross your eyes or else they will get stuck

I thought this was true until about ten seconds ago! Well I feel stupid...

4 Don't masturbate or you'll go blind

I Heard that In Grand Theft Auto 5 While Hearing Ron Talking About That On His Radio Show BCR Commity Hour - topbesttopworst

5 Don't pee in the pool or a red ring of ink will surround you

My Uncle Mike told me this one! It worked. I was deathly afraid of embarrassing myself - even the slightest urge had me scampering out of the water to the bathroom. Brilliant! I've told it a few times myself.

6 Don't swallow the seeds or a watermelon tree will grow out of your mouth

There wouldn't be enough sun, soil, water, etc. for the seed to grow. Plus, how would the seed germinate inside a stomach? - Evant

I won a watermelon eating contest at Pizmo Beach in the summer of '77 and I must have swallowed a thousand of them - No Tree!

7 You can't go swimming until an hour after you eat

Well this one is sort of true but I don't think you need to wait that long. Exercising immediately after eating can cause some problems, though, because when you exercise the blood flow is diverted away from the digestive system to the muscles that need the energy so that you don't get tired too easily. But really you don't need to wait an hour. I normally don't exert myself too much when I swim anyway.

Whenever the ice cream truck comes when I'm at the pool, after I finish it off I go back in the water - mayamanga

Chalk this one up to ignorance. Just parents repeating the same crap their parents told them. Somebody must stop the cycle of BS. - although I do remember a particularly harsh burpy swim practice after downing a whole pizza.

8 God is real
9 Don't swallow your gum. It takes 7 years to digest.

Pure parental bull crap! I should have asked dad to show me his medical degree. Lucky for him it was pre-Google. Would have loved to call him out on that one!

10 Men don't cry

Found that one out the hard way!

The Contenders

11 This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you

What? Not unless a razor is sticking out of my butt!

12 They have eyes in the back of their heads
13 You're not going to hell

Everyone just assumes God loves them and they're going to heaven. And then they tell their kids that. They don't even bother to read what the Bible says about it.

14 I have eyes in the back of my head
15 There is a the tooth fairy
16 It won’t hurt. I promise
17 The dog went to live on a farm
18 When the ice cream truck plays music, that means it’s out of ice cream
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