Best Simpsons Quotes

The best quotes from the wittiest and most quotable show on television. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

Doh - Homer Simpson
The most common quote used is always the best one. A nice classic one that is repeated several times!
Whenever I get unlucky or (I hope very long in the future) die I'll always say this is that clear
when I die these are going to be my last words


[Newest]This is what I say

2Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly' and replace 'dog' with 'son.' - Lionel Hutz
Best quote by Lionel hutz ever, when I heard it I had to think about it for a second and then I just started laughing my head off hahahahah... Wait did he say son and repeatedly... Hahahahah
Thats Hilarious Mess up but Vary Hilarious I Found MY Status For Today lol(
RIP Phil Hartman. Funniest man ever
[Newest]That's really funny but also really messed up but hey who has not been there they know what

3I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. - Homer Simpson
One of my favorite quotes in simpsons history. And bravo to the simpson's, not lote of shows last for 500th episodes
I just think it's a funny line, reminds me of what my biker friend used to say, all I need is a cold beer and a fat broad!

4Just once I'd like someone to call me 'Sir' without adding 'You're making a scene.' - Homer Simpson
I guess this has to be my favorite Simpson's quote of all time.
I have made a list of my favourite homer simpsons qoutes so look at that and I forgot to put this one in so add it in and when homer said that I never seen the episode one of the few I have missed


This is my all-time favorite quote. I've even used it at times.
[Newest]This is by far the best quote EVER

5Me fail English? That's unpossible! - Ralph Wiggum
This is only 14?! That's unpossible!
Ralph is my favorite character! This just proves that Ralph is a brilliant character. He's so dumb and is so greatly strange.
This should definitely be in the top 10. This is a great and funny quote. The fact this quote is 14 is an outrage.
[Newest]Ralph is so funny

6Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff. - Moe Szyslak
Funny as... Moe is my favourite character, because he says loads of weird and disturbing things! E. G I'm gonna getcha brain juice and use it to paint my walls! L O L
Really depressing but hilarious.


7Bonjour, you cheese-eating surrender-monkeys! - Willie

8"Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic..." - Homer Simpson
It's an awesome quote that is even better when you hear the inflections in his voice and see that he leaves the room, then comes back in to add, "By the way, I was being sarcastic" with total sincerity. Marge's come-back is a classic part of the quote: "Well, duh. "
When I heard this quote on T.V. , I couldn't stop laughing. It is got to be my favourite quote of the Simpsons. Homer simpson you are one of the legends
This Joke almost killed me, I couldn't breathe.
[Newest]His line delivery is just priceless here

9They call them fingers but I?ve never seen them fing...Oh, there they go. - Otto the Bus Driver

10I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to you. - Abe Simpson
This is sort of scary, but there is wisdom to Abe Simpsons' saying. It's about growing older, and the inevitability of loosing touch with hipness.
Funny and True : )
Story of my life! Laugh out loud

The Contenders

11To alcohol! The cause of - and the solution to - all life's problems! - Homer Simpson
No comment necessary. Homer speaks volumes.
A classic, enough said.

12You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. - Homer Simpson, when on the phone

13Hello, my name is mister Burns, I believe you have a letter for me. [P.O. Worker: Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?] I don't know... - Homer Simpson

14Hello. I?m Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It?s all lies. But they?re entertaining lies. And in the end, isn?t that the real truth? The answer is: No.
Holy crap! Why isint this higher this is hilarious haha

15Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! - Ralph Wiggum
omg this had me laughing for ages


This was when he was on he computer thing when lisa came in.
Classic Ralph, too funny

16I don't hate your mother, Marge. I just wouldn't be sad if she died. - Homer

17I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. - Homer Simpson
One can only hope Homeboy.


I usually say that but with Maynard James Keenan


18How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me? - Homer Simpson
It's funny because the stupidest person said it.

19I Call the Big One Bitey - Homer Simpson

20I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron! - Homer Simpson
I ROFL'd at this for hours!


It is the funniest Simpson line ever
Which episode was this?

21If you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half assed, that's the american way- Homer Simpson
One of thousands of cultural references that speak the truth and let you laugh at the same time.


A surreal testimony to the third rate nation the U. S. has become.

22Can you open my milk Mommy? - Ralph Wiggum

23If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time. - Lisa Simpson

24Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, Like Englishmen and Scots, Welshmen and Scots, Or Japanese and Scots, Or Scots and Scots, Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!
I feel sorry for the scottish, but it is kind of true
Haha. It's kinda true as well
So good, I can't stop smiling!

25Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that. - Homer Simpson
0.7% people voted for this


The least you could do is 2 get the quote right

26Back in Edinburg, we had a coal miners strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive, not even Willie! - Groundskeeper Willie
Chalmers after this is so funny. "SKINNER! I hate to interrupt your advice from THE JANITOR... "

27Ha-ha - Nelson
DOH! This should be higher
What?! I was expecting this to be number 2! After 'DOH' of course


28What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking something like No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something. [Marge: Go Crazy?] Don't mind if I do! (goes crazy) - Homer Simpson
LOL XD Homer is a legende


Homer is by far the best!
Whop, whop whop.. Nanananagaagaa.. Wabububub...

29English, who needs that? I'm never going to England - Homer Simpson

30Close your eyes, Marge. I have a surprise for you - Homer Simpson (whilst pointing a gun at her face)

31Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing.&quo
Ahh Mr. Burns... Eases the pain.

32That's where I saw the leprechaun... He told me to burn things. - Ralph Wiggum

33What?s a wedding? Webster?s dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one?s garden. - Homer Simpson

34Chew through my ball sack. - Principal Skinner while tied up in a dodge ball sack
This has to be one of the most funniest things I have ever heard in a long time. Honestly I was rolling around with tears in my eyes. Thank you "SKINNER"

35Bart: Dad You Killed Zombie Flanders! Homer: He Was A Zombie?

36There, pretty as a picture ... Ach! Zombies! ... There, pretty as a picture. - Groundskeeper Willie

37Maude Flanders: I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N! Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they shut that place down!

38I bent my wookie - Ralph Wiggum

39I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! *buzz* - Moe Szyslak
Moe on the lie detector test
Haha means he really deserved it

40Eat my shorts - Bart Simpson
How on earth is this so low? I mean this is the second best after "'Oh! "... Come on people eat my shorts is just awesome!
WHAT THIS IS FROM THE BREAKFAST CLUB I THOUGHT Oops, maybe I'm wrong. Am I? Well, to show you, search 'Breakfast Club Eat My Shorts Scene'
My favourite character and hilarious catch should be in the top ten just saying au caramba eat my shorts all his catch phrases are hilarious

41Let's see... Farmer Billy's smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns! - Apu
Thank you for making this list.
Thank you for adding this hilarious quote to the list.
Thank you for writing this episode.
Thank you, and please come again!

42Ow! My eye, I'm not supposed to get pudding in it! - Lenny
This is one of my favorites! I thought it would be higher

43I'm already feeling like a chicken, I just made an egg in my pants - Ralph Wiggum at a chicken pox party

44Arrrrrrrrrrr my hairstyle - Marge

45(Marge) Homer there is a family of possums in here (Homer) I call the big one bitey.

46My country 'tis of thee, Austria-Hungary, obey your king. - Mr. Burns
This should be near the top, especially Smithers explaining it to Mr. Burns why it was incorrect.

47My nose makes its own bubblegum (blows a snot bubble) - Ralph Wiggum
ewww! thats gross! but funny


48Ahh blow back - Ralph Wiggum

49Dental plan, Lisa needs braces. - Homer Simpson

50People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads! They want names like Mustang and Cheetah, vicious animal names - Herbert Powell

51Get bent - Bart Simpson

52Taxes? I thought this was the line for Metallica - Otto Mann

53"Hello Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on!" - Mr Burns
Uum? You'd probably should ignore that. (Smithers to Lisa after his screen saver is revealed to be a naked Mr Burns).

54OK, OK, I won't go stalk Lenny and Carl. Now.... I'm Going .... Stalk.... (laughs) he he he DOH. - Homer Simpson
Missing part of the quote, "I'm going out... To... Stalk... Lenny and Carl.. (laughs)... DOH! "

55Hello Moe's, home of the largest small screen T.V. - Moe

56Why does everything I whip leave me? - Homer Simpson
funny and its from the movie

57Dear Mr. President: There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. PS, I am not a crackpot. - Grandpa

58(Marge) What kind of mileage does it get? (Ranier Wolfcastle) One highway zero city

59Thank you. come again - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

60This is indeed a disturbing universe - Maggie

61I am so smart, I am so smart, S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T! - Homer
At the same time he burnt his high school diploma and started a fire.

62I was saying Boo-urns... - Hans Moleman
Hilarious quote by Moleman, haha this one is applicable every day!
Love this one. One of my favourites

63Hi everybody - Dr Nick
lol this comment always makes me laugh!

64Mmmmmm...Purple.... - Homer eating a grape jelly doughnut

65An aurora borealis? At this time of the year, at this time of the day, localized entirely in your kitchen? - Superintendent Chalmers

66That's where I saw the leprechaun - he told me to burn things - Ralph Wiggum

67When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap outta you okay? Next I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat! - Moe
I miss the prank calls. It's when the Simpsons were good and Moe was funny. Now he's just dull.
Laughed my head off!

68Moe: "Barney, show Homer the exit" Barney: "There's an exit?"
Barney is the best!

69I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! - Homer Simpson

70Alright, Brain. I don't like you and you don't like me. But let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson
Homer's brain: It's a deal!

71Well, whenever I?m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions. - Abe Simpson

72This is my sandbox, I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. - Ralph Wiggum

73I'd expect that kind of language in Denny's, but certainly not here!!! - Flanders after Moe screws up with his restaurant idea

74Over there's the games room. We're not allowed in there. - Abe Simpson

75I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer! - Homer Simpson

76Look! I'm a unitard! - Ralph dressed as a unicorn

77Bart Simpson: I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border? Lisa Simpson: Oh, my God! Me too!

78Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! - Homer Simpson

79I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. - Mr. Burns
This has to be one of my favorites, you can read this one quote and instantly know exactly the kind of character Mr. Burns is, along with "excellent" of course

80Aah! Hey, get off my sugar. Bad bees! Bad! Ow! Oww!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow. - Homer Simpson

81Why you little! - Homer Simpson

82She knew my one weakness, that I'm weak! - Homer Simpson

83"I sleep in a race car bed, do you?" (Kirk Van Houten) "I sleep in a big bed with my wife" (Homer)

84"Daddy" - Maggie

85Need acceptable currency... for delicious treat! - Comic Book Guy

86Lisa, I thought I told you not to listen to Captain What's His Name at church!- Homer Simpson

87(Homer) Oh so miss light luggage (Lisa) Maybe you're just Mr. strong muscles (Homer) Well, I have been eating more

88How's about givin me another beer ugly - Barney Gumble

89Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand - Homer Simpson

90Saxamaphone, saxamaphone. - Homer Simpson

91Nelson "Hey Simpson! Nice footy pajamas, did your mommy buy those for you!?!" Bart "yeah, who else would?" Nelson "...Alright Simpson, you win this round..."

92"I'll die before I surrender, Tim." - Bart

93 I think he's talking to you. - Homer (Mr. Thompson)
For those who don't know, he was getting his name changed.

94Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

95I didn't do it - Bart Simpson

96In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! - Homer Simpson

97Those kids are, like, so sweet. [sobs] If only they had had peewee hockey when I was a lad. [sniffs] Oh well. [grabs crowbar, rips seats apart] - Snake

98"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!" - Dr Nick Riviera
I laugh at this every time :D

99My name Oatmeal? - Mr. Burns

100Aww, look at him. He's like a little angel that killed 50 million people - Homer Simpson
From an episode banned in China 👍 s16/ep12

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This list was created 9 years, 28 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 139 items, has been remixed 6 times.

Updated Monday, December 22, 2014

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