The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

August 5, 2015 - The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
This is pretty darn hilarious


Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!
Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time
[Newest]This is a really funny quote

2Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.
Haha that's truly funny
I died when I saw this episode

3Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny.


Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.
Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together
[Newest]This is really funny

4Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
giggity giggity, all right


If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion
how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man!


[Newest]How many time do you thing he has said that

5Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire
A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!!


Man I wish that he was real, life would be a hell of a lot more interesting :-), niamh :-)
Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone
[Newest]Ahh. Just the best

6Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
This one cracks me up every time!
This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!
I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up!


7I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin
This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud
This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals
Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.
[Newest]I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

8The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
That episode was on yesterday
Man this one is the best from Stewie
Love it laugh out loud

9So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)
Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "
Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.
Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

10Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin
Stewie is the best
Peter would probley think it was a toaster
Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself
[Newest]Stewie please come to Real Life

The Contenders

11Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested
П regards are contagious?! That ESL tramp in a wheelchair lied ta me?! 😣 I feel so dirty right now. 😕 so... Ya think it might help if I took a shower? I mean, is it something that washes off... Or am I gonna need some kind of prescription or something? 😮 I swear, if I'm retarded that's the last time I hook up with a water head... Unless I somehow get the chance to nail Sofia Vergara! She's pretty hot for one of them... Too bad ya gotta be retarded ta get what she's saying. 😏 what
Oh my. That is great! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!
I almost pissed my pants. When I heard peter say this I knew its an instant classic.

12Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete
This is by far my favorite moment of family guy
This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great
Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

13Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
It's funny 'cause it's true!

14Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin
I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!
Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!
Get your buttscratcher here! :D

15Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

16Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin
Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

17I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin

18I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian
This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

19Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert
This is the best quote ever!

20Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin

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This list was created 9 years, 238 days ago and has been voted on over 4,000 times. This top ten list contains 201 items, has been remixed 11 times and has been blogged about 1 times.

Updated Wednesday, August 05, 2015

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