The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
This is pretty darn hilarious


Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!
Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time
[Newest]What episode is this from

2Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.
Haha that's truly funny
By Far the 2nd best qoute in family guy history


3Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
giggity giggity, all right


If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion
how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man!


[Newest]How many time do you thing he has said that

4Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny.


Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.
Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together
[Newest]That is what me and my sister do all the time

5Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire
A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!!


Man I wish that he was real, life would be a hell of a lot more interesting :-), niamh :-)
Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone
[Newest]Ahh. Just the best

6Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
This one cracks me up every time!
This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

7The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
That episode was on yesterday
Love it laugh out loud
Laugh out loud! Hysterical!
The Raain in Spain Stays Mainly in the Plains!

8I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin
This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals
Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.
This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud
I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

9So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)
Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "
Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.
Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

10Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin
Stewie is the best
Peter would probley think it was a toaster
Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself
[Newest]Stewie is my favorite. Love his diaper moments.

The Contenders

11Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested
П regards are contagious?! That ESL tramp in a wheelchair lied ta me?! 😣 I feel so dirty right now. 😕 so... Ya think it might help if I took a shower? I mean, is it something that washes off... Or am I gonna need some kind of prescription or something? 😮 I swear, if I'm retarded that's the last time I hook up with a water head... Unless I somehow get the chance to nail Sofia Vergara! She's pretty hot for one of them... Too bad ya gotta be retarded ta get what she's saying. 😏 what
Oh my. That is great! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!
I almost pissed my pants. When I heard peter say this I knew its an instant classic.

12Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
It's funny 'cause it's true!

13I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian
This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

14Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete
This is by far my favorite moment of family guy
This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great
Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

15Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin
I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!
Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!
Get your buttscratcher here! :D

16Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

17Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert
This is the best quote ever!

18Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin
Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

19I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin

20Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin

21No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
Funny from season 8? I think

22Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
Wow, this is hilarious


About diere jackson the female boxer, definitely one of the funniest

23PFFFF.... ahhhhhhh PFFF..... ahhhh PFFF.... ahhhh PFFFFF... ahhhh - Peter/Lois while falling and hurting knee/breast

24All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die. - Peter Griffin

25Hey guys, wanna go play some base-(voice drops) ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate - When Peter goes through puberty

26Lois men aren't fat only fat women are fat- Peter

27Peter: 'OMG, Brain there's a message in my Alphabits, it says Ooooooooo', Brian : Peter, those are Cherios
This quote is a true reminder of the inner idiot that lies within Peter Griffin

28Dammit! I'm missing Boy Meets World for this? - Herbert the Pervert

29Oh I was not aware that you can see the future Lois, can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number. - Peter Griffin

30NONONONONONO! - Cleveland
Nononononono I can't feel my legs welcome to the party mister oh wait there they are aww
Uh uh I don't get it... (Cleveland Show reference if you were wondering... )

This is just filler.. Zlsdkjf ;ilsr;xmclkv


31And boom goes the dynamite! - Cleveland

32Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you. - Stewie Griffin

33I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. - Quagmire

34Come on, let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore. - Peter Griffin

35What the deuce? - Stewie Griffin
This should definitely have been first. My favourite one in the whole show!

And its on 50?! This and, 'oh harsh, you just got bumped down to coconut mint! '
I agree. This should be in the top 5!

36I have spoken!!! - Peter Griffin
Laugh out loud this episode makes me chuckle! Es

37The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run! - Chris

38That was 'Me Farting by Chopin?' (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn)
Saw this last night for the first time - I was still laughing about it this morning!
Been laughing about it 4 a while!

39Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake? - Herbert

40I'm going to turn you into poo! - Chris

41I'm not a dog you fat bastard! - Meg

42I can't eat this it'll go straight to my vagina. That what girls worrie about right? Having big vaginas?- Stewie
This just crosses so many lines on so many levels, it is just art!

43A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister. - Peter to rehab counselor

44Been working on that novel huh? Been working on that for three years now right? Gonna, gonna get that done? You know that novel, that novel you where making where friends become enemies and enemies become friends. You gonna get that done right? -Stewie
This was suppose to be number one.. I love this, and the face stewie makes when he says it.. Haha

45Those freakin elves man, they came outta the trees, they just came outta the trees man - Snap to Pop and Crackle after they got jumped by the Keebler gang

46Shut up, Meg - Peter Griffin
This was one of the best family guy moments ever, when peter goes feral and meg "saves" him

47Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? - Peter Griffin

48Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin
After Peter get knocked over in a portable toilet.

49You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want! - Peter Griffin
My day just went from alright to fantastic, how he comes up with this stuff
This one is true

50Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles. - Herbert the Pervert
Should be number one comes up in every family guy conversation I've ever had
Funniest Family Guy quote ever. Makes me laugh whenever I hear it and hear Hebert's lisp
Say this all the time should be higher up... Along with saying stroke stroke stroke

51Nothing says Obey Me like a bloody head on a fence post! - Stewie Griffin
Sound's like somthing id say
This is funny no matter what show it's from - Game of Thrones even!

52I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. [farts] What the hell was that? - Peter Griffin

53Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Funniest thing I've ever heard!!!


54When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math. - Chris Griffin
I did that once and I forgot math too.

55I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall quick and painless. -Stewie Griffin
This one has bee on t-shirts and more. This should have been one of the top 10!

56I spit in your mouth when you sleep! - Stewie Griffin

57Now that you can't see, let's do a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? - Stewie Griffin after he breaks Meg Griffin's glasses
ha!!! i couldn't stop laughing!!!


58It's peanut butter jelly time! - Brain

59(Peter & Brian In the middle of a conversation) Oh my god! You can talk! - Peter

60Who the hell do you think you are!? - Stewie Griffin
Should be first it's an amazing quote haha I love stewie he's got to be my favourite character by far

61I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself. - Stewie Griffin

62F*** You That's Who! - Stewie
I love Stewie everything he says is pure gold. This is one of his best ever. That when he calls Lois a million times just to say hi. Family Guy is the best.

63Cut my milk! - Stewie Griffin
Pure humor and idiotic behavior by Stewie. He's smarter than that, but that's what makes him so darn funny.

64Whoa, ass ahoy! - Brian

65Cool Whip! - Stewie
Come on this is a classic... One of the best! Laugh out loud
I love this one so much. Cool whip

66Hey, I f***** your dad. - Brian Griffin
This is the best scene ever, Brian slept with Quagmire's dad after he had a sex change. Quagmire then beats up Brian and tells him to lie on the floor and die. Brian then comes to the door says the line and slams the door.
Best scene of all time in the show!

67I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal. - Peter

68Hahaha, oh crap I pooped my pants - Peter after hearing a funny joke Quagmire told him.

69Got my teacup here, now all I need is a teabag. That something that interests you my friend? - Stewie
"You're Weird"-Brian's son
"And you're attractive, NOW TAKE YOU'RE F***ING PANTS OFF! "-Stewie Griffin

70Juggle the beanbags Cloris!!! GOD HELP YOU juggle the BEANBAGS!!!!! - Peter after legally owning Cloris Leachman

71Hellooooooooo - Smiley Mcgee

72I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. - Chris Griffin
Everyone expected him to say.. so hungry I could "EAT" a horse. Seth is just making a joke to show you how stupid Chris really is. He does this kind of stuff all the time. You much not be an avid watcher.
What Does that mean when Chris says I'm so hungry I could ride a horse?

73Hold the pickles! God help you if I find pickles!!! - Stewie to the flight attendant

74It's Been Revoked - Peter quoting Lethal Weapon 2 after shooting Stewie in the head

75Something good....something good...ah, you look like Snoopy and it makes me smile, but you have smelly dog farts. - Stewie

76Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. - Peter Griffen
Peter says this after Dr. Hartman calls him fat. I laughed for ages after I saw this.

77And we're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here, in the corner there, and that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! - Bob Ross

78I'm not taking my sneakers off.... I am Sneakers O'Toole. - Sneakers O'Toole

79Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot. - Peter Griffin

80I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. - Peter

81By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins. - Stewie

82That piece of ass gets to marry that tall glass of poop juice?!? - Stewie
My all time favorite Family Guy quote! Enough said... Well apparently not but if I keep typing...

83Does anyone wanna buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese - Stewie

84Hi, I'm Tom Tucker and coming up, that bush in the park is my bush... my bush.

85Okay what... the f***? - Stewie after Brian walks in dressed in a tank-top, jeans, white sneakers, backwards hat and shades.

86Well excuse me for being retarded. My whole world is turned upside-down. Black is east, up is white - Peter Griffin

87Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

88Consuela: nnooooo nnnnooooo.... I no can clean

89(to a bus load of girls) I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.- Peter

90Umm.... we're playing house. - Stewie

91Uh oh, spidoodeos - Stewie when he tries to lift a barbel

92Nyeah - Peter pushing away kids cereal when he finds out its healthy

93Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How 'bout that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn't because that's my side boob. Goodnight everybody! - Peter

94I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. - Peter

95Coming up next, Diane's weight - Tom Tucker

96Umm..okay..uhh..all right.. fire truck.. fire truck fire truck fire truck fire truck. What color are those red fire trucks? - Peter Griffin
An idiot, fat guy saying something as idiotic as this.. Whats more funny?

97pow right in the kisser..............................................
POW right in the kisser

98Paul... HAHAHAHA Paul.... Thats a persons name... haha.. a persons name. - Adam West
I love Adam West Omigod


99You know, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there. Omipotence, got to get me some of that! Oh I love God he's so deliciously evil! - Stewie Griffin
One of the most hilarious from the perverted baby

100House... Roadhouse. - Dialogue between Peter and Dr. House

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This list was created 9 years, 12 days ago and has been voted on over 4,000 times. This top ten list contains 182 items, has been remixed 7 times.

Updated Monday, December 22, 2014

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