The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin
This is pretty darn hilarious


Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!
Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time
[Newest]What episode is this from

2Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny.


Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.
Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together
[Newest]I literally fell on the floor I was laughing so hard

3Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.
Haha that's truly funny
I died when I saw this episode

4Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
giggity giggity, all right


If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion
how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man!


[Newest]How many time do you thing he has said that

5Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire
A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!!


Man I wish that he was real, life would be a hell of a lot more interesting :-), niamh :-)
Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone
[Newest]Ahh. Just the best

6Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
This one cracks me up every time!
This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

7I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin
This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud
This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals
Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.
[Newest]I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

8The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
That episode was on yesterday
Man this one is the best from Stewie
Love it laugh out loud

9Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin
Stewie is the best
Peter would probley think it was a toaster
Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself
[Newest]Stewie please come to Real Life

10So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)
Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "
Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.
Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

The Contenders

11Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested
П regards are contagious?! That ESL tramp in a wheelchair lied ta me?! 😣 I feel so dirty right now. 😕 so... Ya think it might help if I took a shower? I mean, is it something that washes off... Or am I gonna need some kind of prescription or something? 😮 I swear, if I'm retarded that's the last time I hook up with a water head... Unless I somehow get the chance to nail Sofia Vergara! She's pretty hot for one of them... Too bad ya gotta be retarded ta get what she's saying. 😏 what
Oh my. That is great! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!
I almost pissed my pants. When I heard peter say this I knew its an instant classic.

12Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
It's funny 'cause it's true!

13Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete
This is by far my favorite moment of family guy
This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great
Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

14I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian
This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

15Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin
I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!
Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!
Get your buttscratcher here! :D

16Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

17Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert
This is the best quote ever!

18Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin
Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

19I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin

20Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin

21No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
Funny from season 8? I think

22Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
Wow, this is hilarious


About diere jackson the female boxer, definitely one of the funniest

23All right, all right, make like Siamese twins and split... And then one of you die. - Peter Griffin

24Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! - Peter Griffin

25PFFFF.... ahhhhhhh PFFF..... ahhhh PFFF.... ahhhh PFFFFF... ahhhh - Peter/Lois while falling and hurting knee/breast

26Hey guys, wanna go play some base-(voice drops) ball? Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate - When Peter goes through puberty

27Oh God, It's everywhere.... It's even in my racoon wounds! - Peter Griffin
After Peter get knocked over in a portable toilet.

28Lois men aren't fat only fat women are fat- Peter

29Peter: 'OMG, Brain there's a message in my Alphabits, it says Ooooooooo', Brian : Peter, those are Cherios
This quote is a true reminder of the inner idiot that lies within Peter Griffin

30Dammit! I'm missing Boy Meets World for this? - Herbert the Pervert

31NONONONONONO! - Cleveland
Nononononono I can't feel my legs welcome to the party mister oh wait there they are aww
WUT the HAYL?! No no no No no NOO! Haha don't take a bath while Peter is doing his daily shenanigans


32Oh I was not aware that you can see the future Lois, can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number. - Peter Griffin

33Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find... I shall kill you. - Stewie Griffin

34Come on, let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore. - Peter Griffin

35And boom goes the dynamite! - Cleveland

36I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through. - Quagmire

37What the deuce? - Stewie Griffin
This should definitely have been first. My favourite one in the whole show!

And its on 50?! This and, 'oh harsh, you just got bumped down to coconut mint! '
I agree. This should be in the top 5!

38I'm going to turn you into poo! - Chris

39I have spoken!!! - Peter Griffin
Laugh out loud this episode makes me chuckle! Es

40The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run! - Chris

41Cut my milk! - Stewie Griffin
Pure humor and idiotic behavior by Stewie. He's smarter than that, but that's what makes him so darn funny.

42That was 'Me Farting by Chopin?' (Stewie after accidentally farting while playing the French horn)
Saw this last night for the first time - I was still laughing about it this morning!
Been laughing about it 4 a while!

43Hello there, Kyle. You like nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze. Would like to come in for a glass of wine and a cupcake? - Herbert

44I'm not a dog you fat bastard! - Meg

45I can't eat this it'll go straight to my vagina. That what girls worrie about right? Having big vaginas?- Stewie
This just crosses so many lines on so many levels, it is just art!

46A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister. - Peter to rehab counselor

47Been working on that novel huh? Been working on that for three years now right? Gonna, gonna get that done? You know that novel, that novel you where making where friends become enemies and enemies become friends. You gonna get that done right? -Stewie
This was suppose to be number one.. I love this, and the face stewie makes when he says it.. Haha

48Those freakin elves man, they came outta the trees, they just came outta the trees man - Snap to Pop and Crackle after they got jumped by the Keebler gang

49You can't be ugly and play hard to get, it doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want! - Peter Griffin
My day just went from alright to fantastic, how he comes up with this stuff
This one is true

50Nothing says Obey Me like a bloody head on a fence post! - Stewie Griffin
Sound's like somthing id say
This is funny no matter what show it's from - Game of Thrones even!

51Hey there, you like popscicles? I got a whole cellar full of popscicles. - Herbert the Pervert
Should be number one comes up in every family guy conversation I've ever had
Funniest Family Guy quote ever. Makes me laugh whenever I hear it and hear Hebert's lisp
Say this all the time should be higher up... Along with saying stroke stroke stroke

52Shut up, Meg - Peter Griffin
This was one of the best family guy moments ever, when peter goes feral and meg "saves" him

53Is this about Meg's cervical cancer? - Peter Griffin

54Now I may be an idiot, but there's one thing I am not sir, and that sir, is an idiot. - Peter Griffin

55I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. [farts] What the hell was that? - Peter Griffin

56When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math. - Chris Griffin
I did that once and I forgot math too.

57Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of? Stewie Griffin: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Funniest thing I've ever heard!!!


58I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall quick and painless. -Stewie Griffin
This one has bee on t-shirts and more. This should have been one of the top 10!

59I spit in your mouth when you sleep! - Stewie Griffin

60Now that you can't see, let's do a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a Toblerone? - Stewie Griffin after he breaks Meg Griffin's glasses
ha!!! i couldn't stop laughing!!!


61It's peanut butter jelly time! - Brain

62(Peter & Brian In the middle of a conversation) Oh my god! You can talk! - Peter

63I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate for a full minute and it hasn't cut itself. - Stewie Griffin

64Who the hell do you think you are!? - Stewie Griffin
Should be first it's an amazing quote haha I love stewie he's got to be my favourite character by far

65F*** You That's Who! - Stewie
I love Stewie everything he says is pure gold. This is one of his best ever. That when he calls Lois a million times just to say hi. Family Guy is the best.

66Cool Whip! - Stewie
Come on this is a classic... One of the best! Laugh out loud
I love this one so much. Cool whip

67Hey, I f***** your dad. - Brian Griffin
This is the best scene ever, Brian slept with Quagmire's dad after he had a sex change. Quagmire then beats up Brian and tells him to lie on the floor and die. Brian then comes to the door says the line and slams the door.
Best scene of all time in the show!

68Whoa, ass ahoy! - Brian

69I had such a crush on her. Until I met you Lois. You're my silver medal. - Peter

70Hahaha, oh crap I pooped my pants - Peter after hearing a funny joke Quagmire told him.

71Got my teacup here, now all I need is a teabag. That something that interests you my friend? - Stewie
"You're Weird"-Brian's son
"And you're attractive, NOW TAKE YOU'RE F***ING PANTS OFF! "-Stewie Griffin

72I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. - Chris Griffin
Everyone expected him to say.. so hungry I could "EAT" a horse. Seth is just making a joke to show you how stupid Chris really is. He does this kind of stuff all the time. You much not be an avid watcher.
What Does that mean when Chris says I'm so hungry I could ride a horse?

73Hold the pickles! God help you if I find pickles!!! - Stewie to the flight attendant

74Juggle the beanbags Cloris!!! GOD HELP YOU juggle the BEANBAGS!!!!! - Peter after legally owning Cloris Leachman

75Hellooooooooo - Smiley Mcgee

76It's Been Revoked - Peter quoting Lethal Weapon 2 after shooting Stewie in the head

77Something good....something good...ah, you look like Snoopy and it makes me smile, but you have smelly dog farts. - Stewie

78Uh...boy, this is more awkward than having sex with a rhinoceros who doesn't love you anymore. - Peter Griffen
Peter says this after Dr. Hartman calls him fat. I laughed for ages after I saw this.

79And we're gonna put a happy little bush right down over here, in the corner there, and that'll just be our little secret. And if you tell anyone that that bush is there, I will come to your house and I will cut you! - Bob Ross

80Well excuse me for being retarded. My whole world is turned upside-down. Black is east, up is white - Peter Griffin
You yes have my shirt!

81Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

82I'm not taking my sneakers off.... I am Sneakers O'Toole. - Sneakers O'Toole

83I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millenium Falcon, and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie. - Peter

84By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins. - Stewie

85That piece of ass gets to marry that tall glass of poop juice?!? - Stewie
My all time favorite Family Guy quote! Enough said... Well apparently not but if I keep typing...

86Does anyone wanna buy my shirt? I'll trade you my shirt for a grilled cheese - Stewie
The most intellectual and subtle humour in the entire series.

87Hi, I'm Tom Tucker and coming up, that bush in the park is my bush... my bush.

88Okay what... the f***? - Stewie after Brian walks in dressed in a tank-top, jeans, white sneakers, backwards hat and shades.

89Umm..okay..uhh..all right.. fire truck.. fire truck fire truck fire truck fire truck. What color are those red fire trucks? - Peter Griffin
An idiot, fat guy saying something as idiotic as this.. Whats more funny?

90pow right in the kisser..............................................
POW right in the kisser

91Consuela: nnooooo nnnnooooo.... I no can clean
Hey Dora, that's you in 40 years


92Paul... HAHAHAHA Paul.... Thats a persons name... haha.. a persons name. - Adam West
I love Adam West Omigod


93(to a bus load of girls) I'll be Charlie and all of you can be my angels. Except you. You be Bosley.- Peter

94Umm.... we're playing house. - Stewie

95Uh oh, spidoodeos - Stewie when he tries to lift a barbel

96Nyeah - Peter pushing away kids cereal when he finds out its healthy

97Look at that side boob. Check out this side boob. How 'bout that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn't because that's my side boob. Goodnight everybody! - Peter

98I'd leave my ass behind if it wasn't so perfectly attached to my sternum. - Peter

99Coming up next, Diane's weight - Tom Tucker

100You know, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical. A little pestilence here, a plague there. Omipotence, got to get me some of that! Oh I love God he's so deliciously evil! - Stewie Griffin
One of the most hilarious from the perverted baby

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This list was created 9 years, 136 days ago and has been voted on over 4,000 times. This top ten list contains 193 items, has been remixed 8 times.

Updated Saturday, April 25, 2015

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