The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do.

The Top TenXW

1You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin

This is pretty darn hilarious - Celestius

Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!

Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time

This is a really funny quote - OneWayStreet

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2Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin

haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.

Haha that's truly funny

I died when I saw this episode

V5 Comments
3Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie

This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny. - westofohio

Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.

Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together

This is a very funny thing - PizzaGuy

V16 Comments
4Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire

giggity giggity, all right - Razor79

If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion

how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man! - manglercmj

How many time do you thing he has said that

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5Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire

A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!! - MCW1966

Man I wish that he was real, life would be a hell of a lot more interesting :-), niamh :-)

Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone

Ahh. Just the best

V10 Comments
6Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died

This one cracks me up every time!

This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up! - theOpinionatedOne

7I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin

This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud

This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals

Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.

I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

V5 Comments
8The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin

That episode was on yesterday

Man this one is the best from Stewie

Love it laugh out loud

9So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)

Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "

Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.

Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

Best Family Guy quote ever! 😃

V4 Comments
10Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin

Stewie is the best

Peter would probley think it was a toaster

Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself

Stewie please come to Real Life

V5 Comments

The Newcomers

?Peter: Just gimme the rope! Nobody has to get hurt, Brian. [crashes into a bicyclist] Only one person has to get hurt.

This quote was from "Brian the Closer." Some may find it disturbing, some may find it funny, and others will find it both. I found it both. - Murvine_Taylor

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The Contenders

11Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested

П regards are contagious?! That ESL tramp in a wheelchair lied ta me?! 😣 I feel so dirty right now. 😕 so... Ya think it might help if I took a shower? I mean, is it something that washes off... Or am I gonna need some kind of prescription or something? 😮 I swear, if I'm retarded that's the last time I hook up with a water head... Unless I somehow get the chance to nail Sofia Vergara! She's pretty hot for one of them... Too bad ya gotta be retarded ta get what she's saying. 😏 what

Oh my. That is great! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!

I almost pissed my pants. When I heard peter say this I knew its an instant classic.

12Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete

This is by far my favorite moment of family guy

This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great

Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

13Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter

It's funny 'cause it's true!

14Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin

I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!

Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!

Get your buttscratcher here! :D

15Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin
16Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin

Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

17I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian

This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

18I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin
19Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert

This is the best quote ever!

20Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin
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Related Lists

Top Ten Funniest Family Guy Quotes Best Family Guy Characters Top Ten Best Family Guy Episodes Worst Family Guy Characters Top 10 Worst Family Guy Episodes of All-Time

List StatsUpdated 29 Aug 2015

4,000 votes
201 listings
9 years, 262 days old

Top Remixes (11)

1. The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
2. Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
3. Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
lukestheman4
1. Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
2. Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
3. No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
TheStupidHobo
1. Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
2. Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
3. Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin
Ajkloth

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