The Top Ten Family Guy Quotes

The best one liners from the most irreverant show on network television. Only because it is animated do the writers get away with all the stuff they do.

The Top Ten

1 You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert. - Peter Griffin

Fabulous! So funny that it makes me laugh every single time! Watch it over and over again and I still burst out laughing!

Tears of laughter everywhere - peter is such an idiot and comedian at the same time

Hilarious. Funniest quote I've hard in a while. I love you Peter Griffin, even though you are on a cartoon television show.

I have taught this to my 4 yr old and he loves it... My wife, however, does not love it!

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2 Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah... Lois, this is not my Batman glass. - Peter Griffin

haha i just watched that episode, came here, and saw this.. it was so funny.

One of my other favourite quotes from Peter Griffin lol

V 5 Comments
3 Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie

This should be #1 My whole family think's this is funny. - westofohio

Oh, my mom loves this. I joke around with her. Until it actually starts to get annoying.

Stewie is a speck of Eminem and a whole load of crazy put together

It should be number 1

V 16 Comments
4 Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire

If Quagmire didn't exist, the show, and the world as we know it, would implode into a black hole. In my humble opinion

how could this not make number 1 or at least 2 man! - manglercmj

This is simply hilarious! It should trade places with #4 because this is Quagmire's better known catchphrase. (I personally thought that one was funnier than this one but you know, a classic is a classic... ) You go Quagmire

How many time do you thing he has said that

V 12 Comments
5 Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time. - Glen Quagmire

A 'hard' one not to vote for! Giggigity, giggity, giggity!!! - MCW1966

Hilarious amazing best ever watch it forever now NOW ASDRASHDSEDRSGNDFA anyway this is like the best easily so vote for it everyone

Oh my god I saw that episode... So funny!

This is the funniest quote by Quagmire by far!
Had me dying of laughter - Ajkloth

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6 Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died

This one cracks me up every time!

This one will never get old. Genius. All of the catchphrases are so boring now, but this one is so god damn hilarious! Love it!

I use this one all the time when I want to shut someone up! - theOpinionatedOne

LOLOL I'm gonna use that line whenever I'm asked a question like that

7 I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin

This is where it all falls out.. I mean come on.. Let the man of the house talk.. Laugh out loud

This is something that Fry would say in Futurama and I still love it.
It's just so funny, I mean come on guys and gals

Yup. Definitely a classic. "Leafers! "

Family guy should certainly stick to the their classic jokes. Not the ridiculousness they've now resorted to.

I agree with everyone here. This IS a classic quote.

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8 The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin

Man this one is the best from Stewie

Laugh out loud! Hysterical!
The Raain in Spain Stays Mainly in the Plains!

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9 So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? - Stewie Griffin (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house)

Actually made me poke my head out of the kitchen and ask, "What did he just say? "

Most epic quote, I physically shot Pepsi out of my nose when I saw it.

Stewie is a pervert inside a lil boy body

Best quote of the whole series by far.

V 2 Comments
10 Hey, mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. - Stewie Griffin

Thi is so funny I making a little gift myself

Stewie please come to Real Life

Stewie is my favorite. Love his diaper moments.

This is the funniest one here

V 4 Comments

The Contenders

11 Hello Sally, h-hey its Peter Griffen. Yeah, that's right, senior prom, yeah it's been a while..so listen, um, I just found out that Im retarted and um, I'm just calling to let you know that uh, you might want to get yourself tested

Oh my. That is great! I don't think I have ever laughed that hard!

I almost pissed my pants. When I heard peter say this I knew its an instant classic.

This is hilarious. I have never laughed so hard!

V 1 Comment
12 Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter V 1 Comment
13 Ha ha ha, oh my God! I almost didn't do it, I almost didn't do it! I thought, is this in bad taste? But you know what, I went for it. I went for it and I'm so glad I did! Ooooh, worth it, totally worth it. - Stewie Griffin (after tripping Pete

This is by far my favorite moment of family guy

This and when Stewie says that he's always wanted to have a sexy party. He's great

Hi, this is Anne Curtis
..could you give us next time a quotes that is all about love? Haha.thank U..

14 Buttscratcher! Buttscrather! Buttscratcher! - Peter Griffin

I love this! I always say it! And shapoopi hahahaha BUTT SCRATCHER! Family guy is totally awesome :-) oh god I need to go watch family guy now!

Love it! My fiance and I first bonded over our love of this show and still to this day randomly start shouting this line. Always brings a smile to both of our faces. Two Thumbs Up!

This is probably my favorite Family Guy reference of all. I also love Roadhouse; that's high on the list too.

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15 Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. - Peter Griffin

Should definitely be higher up! I love this one!

V 1 Comment
16 Oh, Brian, I can't wait 'til after dinner, 'cause then we'll go home and you can watch me have my period. - Stewie Griffin

Love this one, especially Brian's reaction to it afterward

V 1 Comment
17 Yes, we're gonna douche the night away. - Stewie Griffin V 2 Comments
18 Alright everyone but Chris keep your pants on and lets figure this out. - Herbert the Pervert

I can do a good herbert impression

V 3 Comments
19 I'd do her... do her... wouldn't do her.... Whew! who hasn't done her?! ...Lose the pigtails and we'll talk... - Stewie Griffin V 2 Comments
20 I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything. - Brian

This was around the time when Brian was used as a more intelligent character to Peter's idiocy. In any case, good stuff.

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List StatsUpdated 22 Jan 2017

5,000 votes
212 listings
11 years, 44 days old

Top Remixes (11)

1. The life of the wife is ended by the knife. - Stewie Griffin
2. Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian. - Brian Griffin
3. Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl. - Peter
lukestheman4
1. Giggity giggity giggity - Quagmire
2. Because you touch yourself at night - Museum tour guide to a child Peter Griffin after asking why the dinosaurs died
3. No Quagmire, we're not esupposed to! - Peter
TheStupidHobo
1. Mum mum mum mum mummy mummy mummy mummy Lois........ Hi- Stewie
2. Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! - Peter Griffin
3. I've got an idea--an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I'm talking about. - Peter Griffin
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