Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

anonymous
There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.

The Top TenXW

1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Love this one so much! I remember I once said it to some lady at the funeral and after, she hit me with her Michael Kors purse. And jee, I recommend to never do that, ( It hurt's like real bad ).

That is so funny! - leafstar

V91 Comments
2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

Just imagine! That would be terrible! LOL. - birdechosplash

V18 Comments
3I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

Wasn't it Axl Rose who always said this when he was drunk? - GHOSTbirdnatureLOVER

My friend says stuff like this all the time!

I'm sure you're not.

V21 Comments
4I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Now I know the answer for my up and coming test. - An_Average_Person

Good one and if you don't get it it means to demitri Martin that he has to give a baby name to them

I will say this next time someone asks me. - birdechosplash

V21 Comments
5USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman - Ajkloth

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!! - HezarioSeth

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent! - Lina1028

Gloriously true, but clever enough that it makes you pause to wrap your miserable head around it. Save Letterman! I applaud you!

V4 Comments
6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

What was it used for if it was never opened... - Harri666

What happened to the person who used it once? - birdechosplash

V11 Comments
7I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...

V2 Comments
8When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book! - maddyparrot22

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

Oh I get it now. ( Just gonna spoil it ) Only one third WORKS but the rest just I don't know

That would be about right in most places of work.

V3 Comments
9Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

I as a woman find this extremely offending and will be coming after the person who wrote this

Although I'm a women, this is a truly funny quote.

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

So untrue. I know this and as a woman I think that what you are saying is truly about MEN.

V14 Comments
10I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

I don't really get it

V3 Comments

The Newcomers

?If I could say one thing to my childhood self it would be "This weeks winning lottery numbers are..."V2 Comments

The Contenders

11I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

What's this suppose to mean

V4 Comments
12A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
13A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"V4 Comments
14Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

V3 Comments
15I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

I am stupid and I know I am. In a good way though. - birdechosplash

V5 Comments
16Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Perfect..! Used the perfect words perfectly at the perfect time!

Is this y I don't get it... Is it because I'm not smart enough?! More sauce u dumbo...

V6 Comments
17Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi BerraV4 Comments
18Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Oh, I get it! LOL. This one is so funny and yet true. - birdechosplash

V12 Comments
19I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

So true...
I would bet my last copy of his movies that everyone who posted not liking this quote in the comments is American.

That make sense

V4 Comments
20I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield

Laugh out loud, this is really funny

V2 Comments
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List StatsUpdated 24 May 2016

3,000 votes
227 listings
7 years, 137 days old

Top Remixes (5)

1. I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2. I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
wolverine7
1. I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
2. A boy looked into his parent's bedroom, saying, "And she gets mad when I suck my thumb!"
3. A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
Elina
1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
2. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
3. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
HezarioSeth

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