Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings


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The Top Ten

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming
Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before
That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.
[Newest]Very interesting I love it and so real

2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!
That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot
And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!
[Newest]Lol! Never heard this but it is hilarious,... and sad :)》》》:(

3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.
Wow you're a genius
Now I know the answer for my up and coming test.


[Newest]I'm still trying to figure out how that makes sense and how it is funny

4I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
Holy crap are you clown
Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!
I like this its funny
[Newest]I have said that b4. lol

5USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
No? REALLY? I had NO idea!
This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman


Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!


[Newest](Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent!


6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute
I didn't get it at first


That makes a lot of sense.

7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!


I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde
Not a joke, it's the reality :-)

8I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!
Going to say it to my teacher all the time!
This is amazing! I am so going to use this in History class!


9I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
Mon's only weakness in a nutshell
I think its really clever. I like it!
Not that funny
Why is it number 8?
[Newest]I don't really get it

10Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
Oh Einstein you are so hot!
Beauty school by Einstein.


The Contenders

11When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.
And you will then make peoples lives miserable.


I would probably throw it at the wall

12A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it
Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion.


13If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
This one is over rated, just like Valentine's day
Haha! Deserves to be higher!


14I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Laugh out loud, this is really funny

15Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut

16Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
Joke for intelligent people!
Playing with the words!
That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.
[Newest]Why not ever use them?

17Don't steal. The government hates competition.
I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool
I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.
Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

18Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
Ha, I like this one

19Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Good but need funnier sayings
HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement
British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books
[Newest]Should be #1 anonymous female!

20Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

21I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!
I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)
Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...
[Newest]That is so true

22Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
This reminds me of someone at my school


Reminds me of Ariana Grande.

23Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!
It's so true laugh out loud

24Life is too short to remove USB safely.
This is awesome...and very true!

25"Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep. - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

26A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

27Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
Haha this is absolutely hilarious
Those are the words I live by!


28All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

29Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?
Haha you haven't hit the age where the blonde kicks in yet. Give it a couple years then you won't get this joke anymore. You'll be thinking "what's wrong with asking for the number to dial 911..."
The number is 912, duh


I love this one It reminds of a blond and blinds don't try to denie it you no it's true

30Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!

31God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
A amen that is so true?
Yup that's how it should stay
Check your Concordance... And see what Jesus said about homosexuality in the NT... Food for thought. Also, why is men+men a sin but nothing is said about women+women? Not really funny, huh?

32"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
Laugh out loud... Nice

33It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
Who made this quote exactly?
I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

34Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous

35That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
So true, yet funny.

36You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
Laugh out loud thos should really be higher up its awesome
Ellen didn't say this. This quote has been around far longer than her.

37He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
That's stupid. -. -
Say that to all my friends when they laugh last

38I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
This makes no sense, unless I'm missing something.
Laugh out loud NOW I get it
Well of course they are

39Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
Sad, but true, Sheldon. Sad, but true.
I love this quote from Big Bang Theory
Sad but very true laugh out loud

40I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan

41I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
I won't say that it is funny.. But inspiring.. It is a way of seeing things differently.
I have this on my Ipod and I think it's just so funny!
I sometimes say that, haha

42When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra

43That's what she said - Michael Scott

44I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Awesome! This is my home screen! Deserves to be higher up.
That's really funny, good on you!

45"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
Makes me laugh every time; don't see why nobody else will find it funny?!?!


Astonished it wasn't higher up! Love Sheldon!


46Let's make like a baby and 'head out'

47Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
I don't know, maybe 911!

48"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton

49I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
That is so funny... Haha.. Am still lafing

50History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer

51Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
Some reason, this is so funny!


52I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
Oh. Wish it was legal to do that :(
That is one good one

53There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade

54Life is hard. After all it kills you.

55Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin

56If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
HA! As a rocket scientist I often worry things I do will destroy the world or something, this puts me at ease... But come to think of it if I destroy the world there will be no future in which to invent said time machine and therefore nobody to come back to stop me... Well darn back to worrying.
Even if time machine exists in the future you can't go to past using time machine
Haha. Should be higher up

57If a problem can be solved then there's no use worrying about it, but if a problem can't be solved then what's the use of worrying
I wish more people would live by this saying
Very true come on people give this one a like

58Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad

59If all is not lost, where is it?

60"I am the table" - James Hetfield

61Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol

62Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush

63We all get a bit angry sometimes, admittedly!
Can explain why bet this actually makes you laugh out loud xo

64All things are difficult before they are easy

65Happiness depends on ourselves
Not funny @ all

66"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber

67"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
This was in a competition with a lady first to say three words loses. When I read that I knew why they call him quiet cal

68What's the power button? - anonymous

69I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

70"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce

71Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous

72Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
This is the funiest of all why lie...
Isn't that a Danisnotonfire quote?

73Did you know that 79% of stair accidents, happen on the stairs?
Isn't that from Gumball?

74It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous

75"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.

76"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison

77I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

78If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)

79Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
Hilarious! I'm gunna say this to my friends!
Mi tow, I wos e good stoudent.

80It is useless to cry over split milk

81"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman

82First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin

83I'd Hit It - Anonymous

84Constipated people don't give a crap
This is funny, but sort of gross!


85I just received a notice from the garbage department guaranteeing that if I am ever unhappy with the service, all trash pickup will be suspended until the problem is resolved. - D. Mark Wilson

86I am not going to drink anymore, but I am not going to drink any less either

87Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it
So funny and true

88I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office

89I hear someone thinking - anonymous

90"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton

91"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr

92Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous

93Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)

94Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)

95My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch

96Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
Bleak Expectations. What an underrated and very British radio comedy.


97I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it


98It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous

99I see said the blind man
What do you see and how do you see your blind

100Computers did such great things, for example, if it wasn't for computers, computers would never have existed

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This list was created 6 years, 107 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 180 items, has been remixed 3 times and has been blogged about 1 times.

Updated Saturday, April 25, 2015

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