Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings

anonymous
There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list.

The Top TenXW

1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".

I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming

That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.

Love this one so much! I remember I once said it to some lady at the funeral and after, she hit me with her Michael Kors purse. And jee, I recommend to never do that, ( It hurt's like real bad ).

Your so funny

V81 Comments
2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin

This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!

That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot

And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!

*jaw drop* wha?

V15 Comments
3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.

Now I know the answer for my up and coming test. - An_Average_Person

Good one and if you don't get it it means to demitri Martin that he has to give a baby name to them

Now this one's Bob, how about Steven over here, and we'll call this guy little Billy. Perfect! - Icantbelieveitsnotbutter

V19 Comments
4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman

This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman - Ajkloth

Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!! - HezarioSeth

(Sarcastically) Really!? I thought three out of every four people made 90 percent! - Lina1028

Gloriously true, but clever enough that it makes you pause to wrap your miserable head around it. Save Letterman! I applaud you!

V4 Comments
5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous

Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!

Wasn't it Axl Rose who always said this when he was drunk? - GHOSTbirdnatureLOVER

My friend says stuff like this all the time!

This is really funny

V18 Comments
6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute

I doubt the person who used it once is alive.

What was it used for if it was never opened... - Harri666

Amazing quote! Best one that I ever heard (or in this case, read).

V10 Comments
7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery

So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book! - maddyparrot22

I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde

That would be about right in most places of work.

V3 Comments
8I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

Mon's only weakness in a nutshell

I think its really clever. I like it!

It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

I don't really get it

V3 Comments
9I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

I LOVE IT, I WILL USE IT NEXT TIME I DON'T KNOW AN ANSWER!

Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!

Going to say it to my teacher all the time!

I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

What's this suppose to mean

V4 Comments
10Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

I think this one is a little funny. Might use it when it is needed.

This should come next and it is hilarious for those who get it

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The Newcomers

?Hammond, you blithering idiot!
?I'll use my frying pan as a drying pan - Brock

The Contenders

11I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

The truth is strong in this one!

Very funny but true!

Truth has been said!

12I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

How is This even funny? Nothing about this quote makes me laugh. To me this is just wrong...

Charlie Chaplin was a brilliant man, and this quote is bang on. America is a garbage dump filled with armed hillbillies.

Nothing about that little subversive twerp was ever funny, including this quote.

13Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson

That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.

Perfect..! Used the perfect words perfectly at the perfect time!

Is this y I don't get it... Is it because I'm not smart enough?! More sauce u dumbo...

V6 Comments
14Don't steal. The government hates competition.

I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool

I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.

Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

Funny and true!

V11 Comments
15It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

So true and relatable, as well as hysterical on its own.

That's a no crap quote hallelujah!

Now this one is easy to understand

16Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

I as a woman find this extremely offending and will be coming after the person who wrote this

British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books

HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement

They also take your wallet

V9 Comments
17Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.

Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

V2 Comments
18I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron BurgundyV2 Comments
19Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

Einstein was comical, Tesla was the real genius. - Deranged

V3 Comments
20I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!

I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)

Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...

V1 Comment
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List StatsUpdated 14 Feb 2016

3,000 votes
221 listings
7 years, 37 days old

Top Remixes (4)

1. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
2. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
3. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
HezarioSeth
1. I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2. USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
3. I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
nlittle98
1. Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan
2. I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese
3. I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin
MontyPython

WRemix
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