Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings


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The Top Ten

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming
Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before
That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.
[Newest]Very interesting I love it and so real

2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!
That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot
And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!
[Newest]Lol! Never heard this but it is hilarious,... and sad :)》》》:(

3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.
Wow you're a genius
Now I know the answer for my up and coming test.


[Newest]I'm still trying to figure out how that makes sense and how it is funny

4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
No? REALLY? I had NO idea!
This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman


Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!


[Newest]WOW! Thanks buddy! I had no clue!


5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
Holy crap are you clown
Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!
I like this its funny
[Newest]I have said that b4. lol

6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute
I didn't get it at first


That makes a lot of sense.

7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!


I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde
Not a joke, it's the reality :-)

8I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!
Going to say it to my teacher all the time!
This is amazing! I am so going to use this in History class!


9Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
Oh Einstein you are so hot!
Beauty school by Einstein.


This guy is truly a genius.


10I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
Mon's only weakness in a nutshell
I think its really clever. I like it!
Not that funny
Why is it number 8?
[Newest]I don't really get it

The Contenders

11When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.
And you will then make peoples lives miserable.


I would probably throw it at the wall

12A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
Wow I really don't get it that was lame everyone knows it
Then why did you vote for it just to say its lame? Its not. And that's your opinion.


13If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
This one is over rated, just like Valentine's day
Wow! That is awesome. I like it so much
Haha! Deserves to be higher!


14I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Laugh out loud, this is really funny

15Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
Haha, that is a good one!

16Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
Joke for intelligent people!
Playing with the words!
That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.
[Newest]Why not ever use them?

17Don't steal. The government hates competition.
I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool
I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.
Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

18Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
Ha, I like this one

19Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Good but need funnier sayings
HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement
British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books
[Newest]Should be #1 anonymous female!

20Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

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This list was created 6 years, 139 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 182 items, has been remixed 3 times and has been blogged about 1 times.

Updated Wednesday, May 27, 2015

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