Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings
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The Top Ten
1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
8I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
9I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
10Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
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11When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
12A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
13If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
14I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
15Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
16Don't steal. The government hates competition.
17Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
18Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
19I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
20Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
21Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
22Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
23Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
24Life is too short to remove USB safely.
25A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
26"Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep. - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
27All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
28Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
29Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
30"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
31God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
32Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous
33Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!
34He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
35It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
36You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
37That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
38I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan
39I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
40Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
41When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
42I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
43That's what she said - Michael Scott
44"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
45I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
46History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer
47I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
48Let's make like a baby and 'head out'
49Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
50"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton
51I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
52There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade
53Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
54Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin
55Life is hard. After all it kills you.
56Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad
57If all is not lost, where is it?
58Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol
59Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush
60If a problem can be solved then there's no use worrying about it, but if a problem can't be solved then what's the use of worrying
61Happiness depends on ourselves
62"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber
63"I am the table" - James Hetfield
64If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
65What's the power button? - anonymous
66All things are difficult before they are easy
67"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
68"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce
69Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
70Did you know that 79% of stair accidents, happen on the stairs?
71It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous
72I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
73"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.
74"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison
75Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
76Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
77We all get a bit angry sometimes, admittedly!
78It is useless to cry over split milk
79"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman
80I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
81If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)
82I'd Hit It - Anonymous
83I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office
84I hear someone thinking - anonymous
85"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton
86"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr
87Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous
88Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)
89My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
90First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin
91Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
92I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
93Constipated people don't give a crap
94I am not going to drink anymore, but I am not going to drink any less either
95Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it
96It needs to be about 20% cooler. - Rainbow Dash
97Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)
98Don't Get Up In My Kool Aid
99It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous
100All rights reserved, all wrongs reversed - Jega
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This list was created 5 years, 317 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 155 items, has been remixed 3 times and has been blogged about 2 times.
Updated Friday, November 21, 2014
Updated Friday, November 21, 2014
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