Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings
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The Top Ten
1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next". More comments about I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin More comments about I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
3USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
4I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin More comments about I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
5For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
polynesiaMore comments about For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
6I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous More comments about I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
8I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
9Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
10I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
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11Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
12I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
13Don't steal. The government hates competition. More comments about Don't steal. The government hates competition.
14Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car. More comments about Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
15Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!
16A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
17Life is too short to remove USB safely.
18All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
19Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
20Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!
21Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
22Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous
23He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
24God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
25I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan
26"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
27When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
28I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
29It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
30You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
31Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
32I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
33Let's make like a baby and 'head out'
34History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer
35I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
36That's what she said - Michael Scott
37Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
38There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade
39I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
40"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton
41"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
42Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad
43Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
44I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
45Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin
46"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber
47If all is not lost, where is it?
48Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol
49Life is hard. After all it kills you.
50All things are difficult before they are easy
51Happiness depends on ourselves
52"I am the table" - James Hetfield
53"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
54Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
55It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous
56Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush
57"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce
58"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.
59"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison
60If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
61I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
62I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
63If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)
64Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
65We all get a bit angry sometimes, admittedly!
66Did you know that 79% of stair accidents, happen on the stairs?
67What's the power button? - anonymous
68I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office
69"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr
70Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous
71Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)
72My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
73I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
74Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
75I'd Hit It - Anonymous
76Constipated people don't give a crap
77Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it
78If a problem can be solved then there's no use worrying about it, but if a problem can't be solved then what's the use of worrying
79It is useless to cry over split milk
80I hear someone thinking - anonymous
81"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman
82"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton
83Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)
84First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin
85It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous
86You Can't Get There From Here.
87I am not going to drink anymore, but I am not going to drink any less either
88Mistakes are harmful, but so is jail
89I see said the blind man
90"When I kick somebody, they stay kicked." Robert Wadlow
91A chicken in every pot. I can't afford the pot!
92Don't Get Up In My Kool Aid
93Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
94It's a good thing to be strange, normalness leads to sadness - Phil Lester
95All rights reserved, all wrongs reversed - Jega
96Kicking Names and Taking Ass - Anonymous
97I hate spam. Not only does it corrupt my computer, it tastes horrible.
98If Women Could Crap Diamonds, They'd Complain About the Hemroids.
99No matter where you go . . . there you are. Bonsai Buckaroo.
100I just received a notice from the garbage department guaranteeing that if I am ever unhappy with the service, all trash pickup will be suspended until the problem is resolved. - D. Mark Wilson
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This list was created 5 years, 61 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 111 items, has been remixed 1 times.
Updated Monday, March 10, 2014
Updated Monday, March 10, 2014
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