Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings
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The Top Ten
1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next". More comments about I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin More comments about I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
3USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
4I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin More comments about I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
5For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
polynesiaMore comments about For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
6I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous More comments about I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
8I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
9Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
10I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
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11Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
12I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!
13Don't steal. The government hates competition. More comments about Don't steal. The government hates competition.
14Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!
15Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car. More comments about Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
16A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
17All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
18Life is too short to remove USB safely.
19Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
20Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous
21Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!
22I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan
23He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
24God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
25When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
26I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
27"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
28Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
29Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
30It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
31Let's make like a baby and 'head out'
32I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
33I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
34You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
35There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade
36History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer
37That's what she said - Michael Scott
38Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
39"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton
40Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad
41Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
42"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber
43I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
44Happiness depends on ourselves
45If all is not lost, where is it?
46Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol
47Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
48"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
49All things are difficult before they are easy
50Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush
51"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison
52I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
53It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous
54Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin
55I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
56"I am the table" - James Hetfield
57Life is hard. After all it kills you.
58"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce
59I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
60If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)
61If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
62What's the power button? - anonymous
63I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office
64"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
65"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr
66"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.
67Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)
68I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
69It is useless to cry over split milk
70I hear someone thinking - anonymous
71"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton
72Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)
73First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin
74Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
75It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous
76"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman
77Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous
78My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
79Don't Get Up In My Kool Aid
80Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
81It's a good thing to be strange, normalness leads to sadness - Phil Lester
82Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
83I'd Hit It - Anonymous
84All rights reserved, all wrongs reversed - Jega
85Kicking Names and Taking Ass - Anonymous
86I hate spam. Not only does it corrupt my computer, it tastes horrible.
87Constipated people don't give a crap
88If Women Could Crap Diamonds, They'd Complain About the Hemroids.
89You Can't Get There From Here.
90No matter where you go . . . there you are. Bonsai Buckaroo.
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This list was created 4 years, 339 days ago and has been voted on over 1,000 times. This top ten list has been remixed 1 times.
Updated Friday, December 13, 2013
Updated Friday, December 13, 2013
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