Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings
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The Top Ten
1I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next". More comments about I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin More comments about I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin More comments about I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous More comments about I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
polynesiaMore comments about For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
7Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
8When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
9When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
10A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill
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11If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
12I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
13I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
14Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut
15I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
16Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
17Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
18Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
19Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
20Don't steal. The government hates competition. More comments about Don't steal. The government hates competition.
21I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
22Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car. More comments about Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
23Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!
24"Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep. - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
25A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin
26Life is too short to remove USB safely.
27All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
28Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
29Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!
30Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous
31Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
32That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
33"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
34He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
35God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
36I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan
37I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
38It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
39You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
40When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra
41Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
42That's what she said - Michael Scott
43I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
44I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
45Let's make like a baby and 'head out'
46History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer
47Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
48I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out
49There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade
50"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton
51I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
52"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
53Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
54Life is hard. After all it kills you.
55Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad
56Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin
57Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol
58"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber
59If all is not lost, where is it?
60"I am the table" - James Hetfield
61Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush
62All things are difficult before they are easy
63Happiness depends on ourselves
64"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
65"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce
66Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous
67If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
68It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous
69"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.
70"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison
71We all get a bit angry sometimes, admittedly!
72Did you know that 79% of stair accidents, happen on the stairs?
73What's the power button? - anonymous
74I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
75I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
76If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)
77Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
78Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
79I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office
80It is useless to cry over split milk
81I hear someone thinking - anonymous
82"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman
83"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr
84Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous
85Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)
86My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch
87Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
88I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
89I'd Hit It - Anonymous
90Constipated people don't give a crap
91Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it
92If a problem can be solved then there's no use worrying about it, but if a problem can't be solved then what's the use of worrying
93"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton
94Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)
95First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin
96It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous
97All rights reserved, all wrongs reversed - Jega
98You Can't Get There From Here.
99I just received a notice from the garbage department guaranteeing that if I am ever unhappy with the service, all trash pickup will be suspended until the problem is resolved. - D. Mark Wilson
100I am not going to drink anymore, but I am not going to drink any less either
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This list was created 5 years, 98 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 125 items, has been remixed 2 times and has been blogged about 1 times.
Updated Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Updated Wednesday, April 16, 2014
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