Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings


July 29, 2015 - There are too many of them for them NOT to be put in a list. Don't agree with the list? Vote for an existing item you think should be ranked higher or if you are a logged in, add a new item for others to vote on or create your own version of this list.

The Top Ten

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming
Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before
That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.
[Newest]Laughed about this one because I know someone that did say it haha.

2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!
That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot
And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!
[Newest]Lol! Never heard this but it is hilarious,... and sad :)》》》:(

3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.
Wow you're a genius
Now I know the answer for my up and coming test.


[Newest]Haha 😆 very smart and funny 😁

4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
No? REALLY? I had NO idea!
This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman


Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!


[Newest]This is so stupid it's funny!

5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
Holy crap are you clown
Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!
I like this its funny
[Newest]My friend says stuff like this all the time!

6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute
I didn't get it at first


That makes a lot of sense.

7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!


I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde
Not a joke, it's the reality :-)
[Newest]This is super funny AND true!

8I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
Mon's only weakness in a nutshell
I think its really clever. I like it!
Not that funny
Why is it number 8?
[Newest]I don't really get it

9I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
Now that I am old, I no longer have to admit I don't know the answers, only that I don't remember them!
Going to say it to my teacher all the time!
It seems is a rhetoric question like the quote
[Newest]I can use this for math tomorrow thanks! ;-)

10Then the nurse asks me, "how would you rate your pain?" four stars! Two enthusiastic thumbs up! - Brian Regan

The Contenders

11I think the problem with people like that is that they're so stupid they don't know how stupid they are... - John Cleese

12Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
Joke for intelligent people!
Playing with the words!
That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.
[Newest]Perfect..! Used the perfect words perfectly at the perfect time!

13I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there even if Jesus Christ was president. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

14Don't steal. The government hates competition.
I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool
I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.
Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

15It isn't the ups and downs that make life difficult; it's the jerks. - Charles "Charlie" Chaplin

16Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"
I was texting my friend once and I sent her this quote.


17Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Good but need funnier sayings
HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement
British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books
[Newest]Should be #1 anonymous female!

18I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!
I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)
Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...
[Newest]That is so true

19Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
Oh Einstein you are so hot!
Beauty school by Einstein.


This guy is truly a genius.


20I love lamp. - Steve Carell, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

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This list was created 6 years, 202 days ago and has been voted on over 3,000 times. This top ten list contains 200 items, has been remixed 4 times and has been blogged about 1 times.

Updated Wednesday, July 29, 2015

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