Top Ten Funniest Quotes and Sayings


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The Top Ten

I hate when old people poke you at a wedding and say "you're next". So next time I was at a funeral I poked them and said "you're next".
I laughed so hard for this one, even though I don't know why. Keep them coming
Laugh out loud
That's funny I've never heard that one before
That is one of the most funny and offensive jokes here. But way more funny. Just don't say it to anyone old.
[Newest]That was so funny

2I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Demetri Martin
This one deserves to be at the top because it's true and hilarious at the same time!
That's a great one! All of the other ones were kind of stupid and immature but this one is the best! It deserves this spot
And laugh out loud! I guess I know a lot of people with heart attacks!
[Newest]This is so funny! And so true.

3I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
Now I know what should I say when someone asks me the same question.
Wow you're a genius
Its stupid and hilarious which is perfect
[Newest]I died when I read this one

4USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. - Dave Letterman
No? REALLY? I had NO idea!
This is so funny!
I love Dave letterman


Wow! What an amazing fact! I never knew that before!

LOVED this list!!!


5I'm not as think as you drunk I am. - Anonymous
Holy crap are you clown
Laugh out loud this is hilarious! It is so funny I almost puked myself!
I like this its funny
[Newest]I should start saying this to people

6For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
I have to meet the person before I "buy" this parachute
I didn't get it at first


If I only can meet the last person who owned this parachute... Sit beside him/her n explaine to me why need to sell it... Hihihi

7When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them - Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
So incredibly funny! It makes sense and it seems like something that should be in a book!


I didn't get this at first it took me a couple minutes to realize what it said... It's not my fault I'm a blonde
Not a joke, it's the reality :-)

8I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams
Going to say it to my teacher all the time!
It seems is a rhetoric question like the quote
[Newest]What's this suppose to mean

9I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde
Mon's only weakness in a nutshell
I think its really clever. I like it!
Not that funny
Why is it number 8?
[Newest]It's hilarious and clever altogether. I love it.

10Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein

The Contenders

11When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. - Cathy Guisewite
I would have gone and found some sugar and pancakes.
I would probably throw it at the wall
I would probably make lemonade.


12A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. - Winston Churchill

13If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? - Jerry Seinfeld
This one is over rated, just like Valentine's day
Haha! Deserves to be higher!


14I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. - Rodney Dangerfield
Laugh out loud, this is really funny

15Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. - Wendell Johnson
Joke for intelligent people!
Playing with the words!
That IS playing with words. That is like a riddle with the answer already in it.
[Newest]Why not ever use them?

16Don't steal. The government hates competition.
I love how your trying to point out that the Gov. Steals from us in joke form. That's pretty cool
I like this 1 cause its absolutely true& the 1 about friends being like pee was gross but very sweet. By the way I'm 13 & this joke is understandable even at this age.
Hahaha, this must be number 1 hahahah made me laugh like hell! Haha.

17Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. - Kurt Vonnegut

18Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. - Yogi Berra
Ha, I like this one

19Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Good but need funnier sayings
HAHAH I think it deserves to be number one. But if you have never gotten a girl wet b4 you wouldn't understand this brilliant and true statement
British crime author Peter James has used this in one of his books
[Newest]Should be #1 anonymous female!

20I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous
Yo! Mark Twain said this, not anonymous, I hope someone changes it :/ Plus the exact words were different!
I'd hate to be a joy kill but... Its not a joke, mark twain said it as sort of a proverb to say, just b/c its school doesn't mean it makes you smarter, or don't let a fool teach you what others say is a requirement to show intelligence. For example, some (actually most in my opinion) teachers in public school went through college and got required education but care very little about truth and facts, they just want you to shut up and get your work done (not all of them).
But it is a pun, a very wise pun so I guess it kinda is a joke... But more of a wise guy joke (emphasis on wise)
Schooling shouldn't matter what should matter is your education that should b the first thing on your list otherwise youll become one of those people that afford the you need to live because you did get a good education which interfere with getting a good job... Trust me I know that's how my family is...
[Newest]That is so true

21Having friends is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but you're the only one to feel the warmth it brings.
Sorry but its not that its " Friendship is like peeing your pants everone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth thanks for being the pee in my pants"

22Don't be so humble - you are not that great. - Golda Meir
This reminds me of someone at my school


23Love is like a booger, you keep picking at it until you get it and once you get it you don't know what to do with it.- anonymous
Cuz it is the true n very funny at the same time!
It's so true laugh out loud

24Life is too short to remove USB safely.
This is awesome...and very true!

25A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion - George Carlin

26"Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep. - Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

27All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
Now I get it. its funny because R.H. Grenier is making a generalization about generalizations. HYPOCRITE ALERT!

28Procrastinate now. - Ellen Degeneres
Haha this is absolutely hilarious

29Operator! Give me the number for 911! - Homer Simpson
I'm angry with that answer about blondes! No, it's not true. I'm blonde - and thirteen - and I'm the one correcting your spelling and grammar. I believe you meant this:
I love this one. It reminds me of a blonde, and blondes, don't try to deny it- you know it's true.
Why are there so many stupid, ridiculous, and plain offensive people in the world?
The number is 912, duh


I love this one It reminds of a blond and blinds don't try to denie it you no it's true

30"I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
Laugh out loud... Nice

31God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve - Anonymous
A amen that is so true?
Yup that's how it should stay

32Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. - Anonymous

33Silence is golden....but ducktape is silver!!

34He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
That's stupid. -. -
Say that to all my friends when they laugh last

35You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is. E. DeGeneres
Laugh out loud thos should really be higher up its awesome
Ellen didn't say this. This quote has been around far longer than her.

36Being stupid is no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad for example I cry because others are stupid and it makes me sad - Sheldon Cooper
Sad, but true, Sheldon. Sad, but true.
I love this and I watched the episode when he said it to Penny, ya'll made my day
I love this quote from Big Bang Theory

37It's all s**** and giggles, till someone giggles and s****
Who made this quote exactly?
I know funny, and this is funny... Think about it!

38That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. - George Carlin
So true, yet funny.

39I'm not a strict vegetarian, I eat beef and pork. - Jim Gaffigan

40I have two daughters and both are girls - anonymous
This makes no sense, unless I'm missing something.
Laugh out loud NOW I get it
Well of course they are

41When you come to a fork in the road, take it. - Yogi Berra

42I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas A. Edison
I sometimes say that, haha
I have this on my Ipod and I think it's just so funny!

43That's what she said - Michael Scott

44I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
Awesome! This is my home screen! Deserves to be higher up.

45"Bazinga!" - Sheldon Cooper
Makes me laugh every time; don't see why nobody else will find it funny?!?!


46I wasn't drinking, ociffer - Anonymous
That is so funny... Haha.. Am still lafing

47History is the sum total of things that could have been avoided. - Konrad Adenauer

48"I did not have an affair with that woman!" - Bill Clinton

49Let's make like a baby and 'head out'

50Quick, what's the number for 911? - Buckwheat
I don't know, maybe 911!

51I am not saying kill all the stupid people, just get rid of the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out

52There will be no if's, but's or maybe's, but maybe if we.... - Rodney Eade

53Sometimes when I blink, I can't see - Anonymous
Some reason, this is so funny!


54Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that - George Carlin

55Life is hard. After all it kills you.

56Consequences will never be the same! - Jessi Slaughter's dad

57If all is not lost, where is it?

58Love is like gasoline, it's expensive, ends quick and can be replaced by alcohol

59Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. - George W. Bush

60If a problem can be solved then there's no use worrying about it, but if a problem can't be solved then what's the use of worrying
I wish more people would live by this saying
Very true come on people give this one a like

61Happiness depends on ourselves
Not funny @ all

62"Hey everybody, we landed on the Moon!!" Jim Carey, Dumb and Dumber

63"I am the table" - James Hetfield

64If nobody comes back from the future to stop you, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
HA! As a rocket scientist I often worry things I do will destroy the world or something, this puts me at ease... But come to think of it if I destroy the world there will be no future in which to invent said time machine and therefore nobody to come back to stop me... Well darn back to worrying.

65What's the power button? - anonymous

66All things are difficult before they are easy

67"You lose" - Calvin Coolidge
This was in a competition with a lady first to say three words loses. When I read that I knew why they call him quiet cal

68"There is nothing left to do but get drunk” - Franklin Pierce

69Born to party but forced to work - Anonymous

70Did you know that 79% of stair accidents, happen on the stairs?

71It's all fun and games until someone loses and eye. Then it's just fun and games with a pirate. - Anonymous

72I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

73"Don't feed the mouth that bites you." - D.S.

74"There is no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people" - Mr. Garrison

75Thanks to high school I learned to right good.
Hilarious! I'm gunna say this to my friends!
Mi tow, I wos e good stoudent.

76Sometimes when you intensly dislike a person due to something, you just have to take comfort in the fact that one day they will be dead
This is the funiest of all why lie...
Isn't that a Danisnotonfire quote?

77We all get a bit angry sometimes, admittedly!
Can explain why bet this actually makes you laugh out loud xo

78It is useless to cry over split milk

79"It works 60% of the time, every time" - Anchorman

80I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

81If You Expect a Man to Give You Money After Taking You Out On a Date, Then You May As Well Wear a T. Shirt That Reads "will Have Sex for Food"...... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , ghana)

82I'd Hit It - Anonymous

83I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted. - Kevin Malone from The Office

84I hear someone thinking - anonymous

85"I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." - Bill Clinton

86"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas?" - Jean Kerr

87Names will not be changed as none are innocent. - Anonymous

88Faith Can Move Mountains, ... As Long As They Are Not Granite.... Anita Owusu (Metro TV Ghana)

89Curiousity Never Killed the Cat.... Curiousty Helped the Cat Figure Out How to Reach the Fish!!!.... Anita Owusu (Presenter, Metro TV , Ghana)

90My mother never saw the irony of calling me a Son-of-a-bitch

91First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease named after me! - Steve Martin

92Sir, the soldiers have to be completely drunk to get out there anyway! Aiming is out of the question! - General Sternbeater (Bleak Expectations, Dickens Parody)
Bleak Expectations. What an underrated and very British radio comedy.


93I believe we’re having the sort of day that would make even Mother Teresa kick babies. - Dirk Gently
I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it


94It's better to be pissed off than to be pissed on - Anonymous

95Constipated people don't give a crap
This is funny, but sort of gross!


96I am not going to drink anymore, but I am not going to drink any less either

97I see said the blind man
What do you see and how do you see your blind

98Where there's a will, there's 5 greedy relatives willing to fight over it
So funny and true

99It needs to be about 20% cooler. - Rainbow Dash

100Don't Get Up In My Kool Aid

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This list was created 5 years, 346 days ago and has been voted on over 2,000 times. This top ten list contains 159 items, has been remixed 3 times and has been blogged about 1 times.

Updated Saturday, December 20, 2014

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