A Brief History of the Star Wars Saga
And yes, it is history, because it happened "a long time ago"I'm going to publish the sagas in the same order as they did.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away
(Somehow, these creatures call themselves humans, speak English, of all languages to speak, and somehow are the dominant race on the Galaxy.
A ship flies through space over Tatooine, going to Alderaan. Still wondering why they didn't just go directly from the place they were from to Alderaan in hyperspace, but we must take the good with the bad. In any case, they are captured by a big robot and his white troopers. By the way, in the words of C-3PO, the chance of none of the big names getting hit by the thousands of blaster bolts is 1,345,694,105 to one. Even if they were intentionally missing, at least one would accidentally hit them.
So anyways, the droids escape on a big pod after the small droid is fed a hologram to give to Ben Kenobi, a senile old man who lives on Tatooine. Apparently, the Empire couldn't find him in 20 years, but Princess knew where he was off the top of her head.
Anyways, the bumbling executives of the Empire (which has now gone from making brilliant decisions to overthrow the Republic) decide to scan the escape pod for life forms. They didn't find anything. The idiots literally saw the robots go into the escape pod and leave. Who did they think was in it, Brittney Spears?
The robots crash on Tatooine, and in all the million square miles on the planet, they conveniently crash near Ben Kenobi.
So these robots, in a stroke of genius, decide to separate from each other. Luckily for the robots, they are both abducted by weird hooded stalkers who live in Tatooine. How they make a living selling the few robots that walk the sands of Tatooine, heaven knows. Maybe they steal. Or maybe their stocks are worth a thousand credits a pop.
These robots are then sold to a redneck who farms...water. Yeah, okay. Apparently he feels like a blue tube with wheels and a golden walking droid who is fluent in "6 million languages" will be much help on a farm. Should have picked the droid with all those tools protruding from its body.
So, the droids who the entire fate of the galaxy depends on are taken by Luke to clean up. He takes a screwdriver to this robot, and before he can take it apart and use the parts for his womp rat speeder, (Uncle Owen will never know) he triggers a hologram which projects a high and mighty princess across the room. Instead of listening to the message and see if it is important, the only thing he can think of is "She's beautiful!"
R2D2, being the smart genius he is, decides to do what got him captured in th first place and take off by himself. Luckily, Luke has a pair of weird binocular things and he easily tracks him down. Soon, they are zooming away on a floating slab to find his buddy Ben.
All of a sudden, he is beaten up by a dude with bandages. This person had a very traumatic childhood, and his face is so ugly the only chance he has at finding a girlfriend is to wear a mask. Angry at the plummeting price of his Jawa stock, he takes out his anger on Luke. This high and mighty freak is soon scared away by a weakling old man who can't even wield a sword with one hand.
It's Alec Guiness! I mean, Ben Kenobi! Most people mistake one for the other on the street. "Say, dude, have you ever realized that you look EXACTLY like Ben Kenobi! It's freaky!" He must hear that a lot.
So, they are taken to his little hovel in the sand, where he listens to the hologram again and gets his papa's lightsaber. Benny tells him about an ancient and powerful organization he was once part of, who brought peace and harmony to the Galaxy: Alcoholics Anonymous. Blah, blah, soon they are going to a spaceport in the desert.
The first place they walk into is a bar (The poor alcoholic is having cravings again) and the two droids are sent outside because "we don't serve their kind". As if Artoo was going to have a smorgasbord in the corner with his droid pals. Droids love to eat, as we all very well know.
Anyhow, some ugly dude (must be a relative of that Tusken dude) confronts him, and he loses his arm. Soon, the groovy music starts again.
They are trying to find a ship to take them to Alderaan, but nobody wants to.
A fella sitting in the corner is drinking shot after shot when suddenly a green guy with extreme laryngitis walks up to him. He was sent by Jabba the Hutt to find him. I still wonder how Jabba is so rich. He literally sits there all day and does nothing. Maybe he bought tons of Jawa stock. But that's a story for A Brief History of The Second Death Star Blowing Up.
Han is so drunk that he acts like a total fool. "Let's play Russian Roulette!" he says. Greedo, also being drunk, agrees. Han Solo giggles and shoots Greedo.
Soon, Benny hires Han out of his own dusty pocket (again, why are Tattoininans so rich?) to bring them to Alderaan. Evidently, Han has a short term memory. The money is never paid up.
They get onboard a bucket of bolts and nuts. The bolts are named Part 11345738384 and Part 27375743838, along with many others, but the nuts are named Chewie and Luke.
They play some weird video game, and Chewie loses. He yells.
A round ball shoots at Luke as well.
And, finally, Ben says he feels a disturbance in the Force. That's all nice and wonderful. What do you think that disturbance is, genius! Think, you idiot!
Suddenly, they come out of hyperspace, and find Alderaan is blown to smithereens. Even though almost the entire rebel force is wiped out, they say "Oh well!" "We'll get 'em next time!" and "We still won in my book." Then they proceed to tell jokes.
Suddenly, they are sucked in by a tractor beam. To make a long story longer, they kill two storm troopers and get in their clothes. Darth Vader sees them. "Oh, it's those weird trick or treaters again. Tell them to go away."
Moff Tarkin speaks. "Look at those dorky costumes! There's two storm troopers, a gold thing, a werewolf, and a hooded ghoul. Finally, there is that weird kid. He's dressed like a monster! Look at that ugly mask, and those weird clothes. His blond hair seals the deal. He is definitely dressed as a monster."
Darth shuddered. The boy looked absolutely nothing like a cross between him and his wife, so obviously he wasn't his son. Maybe that weird old dude is. And wait, haven't I seen that golden boy before? Hmmmmm.....
The gang strutted through the halls of the big round ball ship like they owned the place. As they walk, they are stopped by a stormtrooper.
STORMTROOPER: Hey kid, you're under arrest.
MARK HA- LUKE SKYWALKER Hey! You get your paws of me! My daddy owns this place, and if he hears that you touched me, he'll make you watch reruns of Saved by the Bell!
STORMTROOPER: Good god. Well, run along.
The trio runs through the halls. Suddenly, they split up. The old man goes off by himself to shut down the un-password protected shield levers. In a day when everything from umbrellas to zebra saddles are password protected, it seems unlikely that the shield generator would be kept unguarded. Maybe Darth was afraid that he would forget the passwords. Then they'd be in big trouble.
The rest of them manage to save Leia. They bring her out of her black cell through a series of halls, before finally swinging across a bridge like Indiana Jones! Wait....
To make a long story short, finally they reach home. Everyone is happy, the Empire will never find them, they are now able to live in peace without fear of running out of food. Suddenly, the walls of their home begin contracting. They shriek and frantically try to get out of the place, they can't. Finally, Han radioes the hard of hearing C-3PO and the walls stop collapsing on them. They are reluctant to leave this blissful utopia, where Luke deserves to live, but nevertheless they escape. Eventually, they find the Falcon resting in the dock. After all the trouble it caused, you'd think the Empire would blast it to oblivion. But, to save energy costs, they choose to keep it safe. Plus, Christmas is coming, and Darth was running out of toys to play with. His pet Dianoga strangled many a loyal subject before he realized that using the Force to strangle someone was more fun.
Suddenly, Darth sees Benny. The resulting sword fight has about the action of oxygen atoms at absolute zero. They try to make snappy comebacks while they fight. The last time I tried that, I got as far as "Your mom does" before I got socked in the face.
Suddenly, Benny is tired of life. He has been depressed ever since Jabba the Hutt broke up with him for Salacious Crumb. Tired of life, he steps in front of an incoming lightsaber blade and disappears. Suddenly, Moff Tarkin's voice rings out. "That's all folks! See you next time on the Death Star Magic Show!" The crowd claps and cheers, except for Admiral Ackbar, who mutters: "It's a trap!"
"Pizza rolls!" calls Commander PK11-546. The stormtroopers guarding the Falcon run towards the voice.
Luke screams when he sees Benny disappear. "Noooooooo!" he cries. "You didn't save any pizza rolls for me!"
Crying, he boards the Falcon. But hey! Wait! Earlier, in the middle of a game of tracking-deviceball, one of the stormtroopers hit a home run! Sadly, it hit "that weird grey thing" and stuck. The Empire could not retrieve it. It is the only ball they have, so to get it back, they must follow the gang to Yavin Iv. Whoops, Yavin IV.
The gang joins up with a foolhardy Prohibition- trouncing group called the Rebels, which Benny helped found after Alcoholics Anonymous broke up and there was nobody to stop them from drinking as they pleased. The rebel leader vividly remembered the days when Darth Vader would stand in front of the audience and say "Don't smoke, you'll end up like me!" Now Darth seeked to destroy the Prohibition flouting Rebels. He was always jealous that he couldn't drink because of the mask.
They analyze the files that the stocky droid gave to them, and found the Achilles heel, or in other words, the American President. It's a tiny little exhaust port. No, we're not making that up. (For future reference: If at any time you want to blow up something, look for the exhaust port) Finally, Han gets his moolah, and Luke becomes a Jehovah's Witness. Also, he joins the team told to blow up that big ball floating in the sky. At first, much to the dismay to the surfer cult on Yavin, he blows up the moon of the moon on Yavin. Then, he is yelled at by a squid looking dude. Surprisingly, this ragtag gang of alcoholics and CEOs lose much of their force. They can no longer attack the heavily guarded side, no matter how much Luke loves "Blowing up those screaming balls with cracker wings." They are forced to go for Plan B, the unglamorous exhaust port. Luke makes several passes before he is swarmed by Talkative Insane Egomaniac Fighters. Luckily, Han Solo flies in and blows up their insanely large egos by complimenting them. Their heads expand so much that it bursts through the paper walls and into the vacuum of space. Which, by the way, is completely survivable to humans, as seen in the Death Star scene when the airlock is open and everyone is having a good time. Luke then sees Benny, who had managed to sneak aboard the Falcon after his magical disappearance, then crawl aboard the ship. He gives Luke a good scare, meaning he almost dies, but Luke luckily regains his composure. Benny tells him to use the Force. Luke concentrates, but he is like those people who can't see stereograms. He just can't get it.
"Screw it, Benny!" he says, and fires. The shot miraculously hits the reactor and blows it up. There was quite the explosion considering there was no air in space.
Sadly, the Rebels can never win a lottery in their life, or even a coin toss, for they have used up all their luck. They then go to a big temple, where soldiers who were standing around playing poker while the pilots were flying in danger are now being forced to stand still in the jungle climate. Amid groans and complaints, they are finally persuaded to stand still for the five seconds of footage they are shown on. They are awarded medals that say "Participation Medal" on it. They smile at this great accomplishment. Chewie's stomach growls in anticipation of the steak he will receive as a reward. Not a very smart choice for the Rebels. They probably don't want to give up any of their precious Jack Daniels.
But the story is not over yet
Comments
I'm excited for the rest,... - visitor