Top Ten Moderately Disconcerting Things to Hear Upon Arrival at University
If any of these things happen to anyone I know during my first year in college, I'll come back to this list to let you all know.The Top Ten
1 Welcome to (Insert University). You were probably expecting the transition from high school to be somewhat challenging, and the truth is, if you don't understand the 300 line Fortran script behind me right now, your life is over. Peace out.
2 This is your accommodation block. You may find the beds are a bit small, but you'll cope by times of exam stress. Which reminds me, it may be easier to sleep once we remove the corpse and gun from the bed. This chap fell a whole day behind on the course!
I would actually think "I think I'm going to like it here. They never mentioned that this uni had a t'riffic sense of humour. Where do I sign for comedy club? "
Another excellent, Pos!
3 The Student Library welcomes all students. Recently, due to government priority issues, we have had 250 distinct cameras as shown in the diagram put in place. If you should look directly into these cameras, you may be invited to a free interview with MI6.
4 This is your main lecturer, Professor Ugly-Stupid-Mental-Wanker-Pedophile. You can ask him any questions about the course, but we would advise looking out for innuendos, never being alone while on campus, and keeping your accommodation block confidential.
Yeah those kinds if teachers freak me out.
5 The Student Union is exhibiting an "Undergrad Mingle" opening party, monitored by staff. We shall thus provide you with a free set of condoms in the mail.
For the record, that is what my college calls the opening party.
6 The first thing that you have to know: you're gonna fail. And now you're going to die. (Insert Bass Drop)
To paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld, if you tell us that were expected to fail and we do fail, are we being successful?
I'm gonna nuke the person who say this to me.
Don't forget the "dun dun DUN" and the "NAO! "
7 To keep up with student finance, it may be worth taking up part-time employment. £3 an hour for clearing the buildings of rabid mice and asbestos, minus the medical insurance bills.
8 The university is proud to allow its students to access its own computer network directly from the campus. However, we advise against remote access from outside, unless you want your IP on the FBI's list too.
9 We have a long list of research opportunities available to you. But before you go into research, you may need proof that you do not work for the North Koreans. We're not saying we do.
10 Reports of a missing nipple have been circulating the union bar. If you should be in the bar, please check your glasses.
Find the poor guy/girl's nipple so they can wield it back on with " hair gel" amirite?
The Contenders
11 We only let you in because your black.
Well come on that would be pretty bad right lol.
BAdd New Item