I'm Sorry, Dear, But You Can't Give Me The "Moon"

First of all, I express my thanks for the nice love letter you sent me. Though I find such pastimes to be frivolous, I enjoyed reading it. Sadly, there are some technical inaccuracies that need to be addressed. I cannot have my boyfriend make such abysmal mistakes.
For starters, how ever deep your professed "love" for me is, you could never follow me to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, as the pressure would exceed 18,000 psi. You would be crushed in an instant, and that's not even counting the air supply problem. Nor could you use a submarine, as most of our submarines are currently being used either for military or scientific purposes, and it would be unlikely that you would receive one for such frivolous purposes. So, in light of reality, that would be impossible.
Nor could you follow me to the top of Mount Everest. Lacking proper training and acumen of mountain-climbing, you would likely either be crushed by falling ice, fall off the side of the mountain, or die of hypothermia/and/or/starvation. Using a helicopter to get up there is impossible, as the thin air provides too little lift for the blades. Suspending all possibilities and laws of physics for a while, let's just say we "magically appeared" at the top. We would die pretty fast due to exposure to the elements and oxygen deprivation.
You can never follow me go the "ends of the Earth," seeing as the Earth is a sphere. Any idiot with a basic understanding of geometry can tell you that since a circle has no sides or vertices, it follows that it's 3-dimensional form would have no edges or vertices.
Another scientific inaccuracy is the foolishly conceived idea that you could find some way to give me the "moon and stars". With current technology, we can hardly land on the moon, much less "lasso it up".
Such a lasso would have to be 3,474(pi) kilometers long. This would be approximately ten thousand kilometers long, and such a length is currently impossible. I can see no possible way to "give me the moon and stars".
Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that you somehow could lasso up the moon and "write my name on it". As you should know, (after the many lectures I've given you) the collision with a rock a fraction the size of the moon would mean the end of all life on Earth, including bacteria. For example-Rhode Island. If that hit our planet, all life would be annihilated instantly.
I hardly think it's worth it, to enact a mass extinction merely for the sake of professing biological primitive urges? The long term effects could extend well beyond the Oort Cloud, as massive dust clouds would spread out.
Now, to the last inaccuracy that I shall take the time to write about: the
part about giving me "the stars". There are over eight thousand visible objects to the naked eye on a clear night. (Obviously, many of these are not stars, but galaxies so distant that their light merged into one point). If you were to gather all the stars that are visible (much less all the stars in the universe), the results would be disastrous for the cosmos, not to say our galaxy. The implosion that would result would rip into shreds the fabric of space-time itself. Regardless of where you put them, the fantastic amounts mass would collapse into a black hole larger then the one at the center of outle Galaxy.
In fact, the only statement you made that was even remotely accurate was the fact that "I am just a lonely soul, drifting through the vast emptiness of the Cosmos". Of course, you added "without you", but with or without me, your statement will be proved true.
I ask, before you write anything, please check your facts for scientific inaccuracies. It would have saved me so much time. And, I ask, please think before giving anyone a promise you cannot keep, like "giving me all the stars".
On that note, I thank you for your time spent in writing me your letter, and I will wait for you at my lecture tonight: How Does the Mathematics of Gravity Impair the Physics of Sub-Atomic Particles. I expect for you to learn a bit about physics, instead of thinking that the mindless spouts of Keats is reality.
Sincerely,
Karen A. Donnell
Ph.D of Quantum Physics
Yale University

Comments

This is so funny. Karen A. Donnell, I salute you for your intelligence, wit and wisdom. A girl who obviously loves simplicity.
I wonder what she'd have to say to the romantic words, "You're my rock..." - visitor (7/26/2016)

That's what I was thinking throughout the romantic bullcrap of Hollywood. - PositronWildhawk (7/27/2016)

Why did I think that it meant "you can't moon me"... - WonkeyDude98 (7/27/2016)

You just have a filthy mind, good sir... - PositronWildhawk (7/28/2016)

No sh*t. - WonkeyDude98 (7/29/2016)

Sure sounds like a woman I'd want to engage. - visitor (7/27/2016)

Why would someone want the moon, anyway? - SwagFlicks (7/28/2016)

It's a reference to a cliche in love poems in which the lover professes to love you till the end of time, and do impossible things like give you the moon. It's all metaphor, of course, but Karen can't stand scientific error. - visitor (7/29/2016)

'Twas sarcasm, CityGuru. - SwagFlicks (7/29/2016)

@SwagFlicks
Sarcasm went both ways. Karen can't stand an unanswered question. - visitor (7/31/2016)

You can give me the moon instead! Very funny story by the way. - JaysTop10List (7/29/2016)

Might be my favorite post ever. - ProPanda (7/30/2016)

Lol! Somebody has been telling me these things as well. Shakespeare, you've got a rival now.
CityGuru you can practically defame all of those romantic stuff they present on T.V. and in books. - visitor (8/16/2016)