1 You only like my reindeer Rudolph because he has a red nose. He's not that special, its just a medical condition. What about Comet, have you not seen the machine landing on it!? Get your education together!
I laughed today at school when my grammar teacher gave us an assignment for a job application to work for Santa. I thought it was so stupid and that we're 5th graders, not Kindergarteners!
I totally agree with this one. We always hear about Rudolph, and it's about time we hear about someone else!
Mummy, why did the ambulance man put the sheet over Rudy's head?
Why would you even do this to a kid?
2 Parents sending you presents!? Blasphemy! I send seven billion people presents and they have the Christmas bells to tell me that I'm not productive enough!?
3 What's up with those movies about me? Do they ever meet me? Do they ever stalk me? Do they ever go to the North Pole!?
They just know!
4 I'm sorry to say this but (removes beard) I'm not Santa Claus, I killed him, that reindeer is just a mechanical machine so don't feed him carrots, your snowman is going to melt to death and that elf is actually a midget that I paid for.
5 What!? What do you mean you tried to find me on the North Pole!? Who do you work for?
6 You know, this is better than living in the North Pole. I actually get to talk to humans rather than these weird creatures that are surprisingly not scary for you kids. I JUST WANT FRIENDS!!
Poor Santa. Must be awful having to keep all those elves in line.
Reindeer. They just aren't co-operative enough for 11 months of the year.
7 I see you when you're sleeping, I know when you're awake.... Remember that when you go to sleep
Come to think of it, the idea of letting a fat stranger climb into your child's room and leave things under the bed sounds a tad controversial.
It sort of sounds like that Santa stalks you...
You are a communist.
8 Kid, I just had a hangover, so you better tell me what you want for Christmas or I'll put you in a sack and make you as one of my slav... I mean elves
So that's where he gets them from.
9 Whenever a sun comes up, that's a 100,000 Snowman death toll in a 24 second mark, so I'm afraid Olaf isn't going to survive
10 I eat kids like you for breakfast
The Contenders
11 I thought I told you to stay off my turf!
12 You want to know why Rudolph has a red nose? Well let's just say he suffers from a condition were his nose acts like a glowstick so whenever his nose breaks, his nose suddenly grows. Oh and thankfully, he has an abusive father.
13 You're stupid
14 I am not real
15 Hey kid, I will give you ice cream if you watch Silent Night, Deadly Night
16 I only ride in a sled because I cannot go on a train without saying, I like trains.
17 I will beat you with a picklefish then feed you to the Ewoks. I can't feed you to the T-rex because they ate their vegetables.
18 Do you want a pogo stick because you can bounce on my face like that leprechaun guy did in that movie "leprechaun"
19 I'm Batmaaaan
Batman is Santa Claus. He goes out at night, he keeps his identity secret, and also the bat cave is where he makes all his presents for children.
20 I'm Bad Santa
21 I was born 270 AD
22 Kid, you will stop believing in me in the future, every kid does. They have to be very merry to believe as an adult.
23 Can you sing "Santa Baby?"
24 Yes I do kiss your mum.
25 Do you want a piggyback, kid?