The Ugly Four: I Might Go Lesbian, Pretty Girls, Dear Future Husband, Hey Mama

WonkeyDude98
Okay....this is going to be a long one....

So, for background knowledge, I know Britney Spears, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, David Guetta, Afrojack, Bebe Rexha, Tyga, and Meghan Trainor. I consider Britney Spears to be a female pop version of Eminem. She's a very controversial figure who has some artistic potential, though she often wastes it. Iggy Azalea is a deadfully overhyped and honestly overhated rapper who is literally nothing special. Nicki Min-do I need to say anything? David Guetta is a French DJ who is known for making beats that are loud, but lack anything, especially personality. Afrojack can be thrown in the same boat in production. Bebe Rexha is a singer who has a good singing voice but wastes it on garbage like Me, Myself and I. Tyga is a third-rate run-of-the-mill rapper whose smugness gives Chris Brown' a run for his money. Meghan Trainor is....well...Meghan Trainor. The one artist in this special post I don't know is Manika. From the standpoint of someone who hates Taylor Swift, she is R-rated Taylor Swift. But I'm not a Swift hater, so she's just nothing.

The reason I bring them all up is because these are the artists who represented the worst thing about music in 2015. Women were just represented in the worst possible ways, from Stimulated all the way to Throw Sum Mo. The difference is, there's very little jokes I can make. Well, I guess you can say Meghan Trainor's a confirmed 8 year old. You could rename Dear Future Husband to "Like I'm Trying To Lose You". Pretty Girls sounds like something a 10 year-old would search up to find...you know what.

I'll start small. The production on all of these is absolute garbage, let's get that out of the way. DFH's production is the best, and even then it can only be enjoyed if you don't know a lot of '60s music. It admittedly has a decent groove and some nice horns, but that's when you realize that this is a carbon copy of "Run Around Sue". Plus, it has the most weaksauce key change ever. That just gets worse when you add in other things we'll touch upon later. Hey Mama's production is actually good...by David Guetta and Afrojack standards. It switches between minimalist and cluttered without any cohesion or evidence that Guetta and Afrojack worked on this together. Only the sample from "Rosie" is remotely tolerable. Then we get Pretty Girls. The same guy who produced Fancy produced Pretty Girls, which makes sense considering they basically have the same beat, with the same synths, same barebones percussion, except for the fact that Pretty Girls has this inauthentic chime added in and the crowd chants removed. The fact that the same producer made both really isn't an excuse; even DJ Mustard, the king of recycling, would laugh at this dead formula. I Might Go Lesbian sounds like someone put a synthesizer piano into a washing machine and turned both of them on. It's make sense given how the hook sounds.

This is the point where I get really infuriated. I'm not going to stop to make jokes, since no jokes can be made about the concept of any of these songs.

Dear Future Husband is easily the most popular of the lot, and inexplicably too. I mean, how does one make a song called Dear Future Husband and it sells? *kid in my class says, "cuz it's catchy"* Oh yeah, shallow morons. So, it's about what you'd expect a song with its title, Meghan Trainor is describing how she wants her dream guy to be. However, there's an ugly undertone to all this. Remember how I said that if you don't know a lot of '60s music you'd like it? Well you also have to be oblivious to the fact that Meghan Trainor is accepting the stereotypical '60s mindset and lifestyle. With lines like, "Take me on a date/I deserve it babe/And don't forget the flowers every anniversary" (on a small note, that rhyme was incredibly stilted), and "Buying groceries, buy-buying what you need" it seems like she's trying to play housewife, but that can't be true with lines like "You got that 9-to-5/But baby so do I/So don't you think that I'll be home and baking apple pies", it seems like a game to her. Then you have downright vile lines like "we'll never see your family more than mine". NO! Who would want that kind of marriage? *shows end of DFH music video* Oh yeah Charlie Puth, the only new artist in 2015 more talentless than Meghan. Don't forget "After every fight/Just apologize/And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right/Even if I was wrong, you know I'm never wrong/Why disagree?/Why, why disagree?" After she says "You gotta know how to treat me like a lady/Even when I'm acting crazy/Tell me everything's alright". She admits to being crazy and she tells him to back down from a fight even when she's wrong. So....true love?

Hey Mama doesn't stray much further from that. Initially in my bottom 4 of the year, it fell to my bottom 6. Hey Mama is the least aggravating, but the most appalling of the three. If anyone else said these lines, it would be fine. But nope! They get Nicki Minaj to say stuff like "yes I do the cooking yes I do the cleaning" and "yes you be the boss and yes I be respecting". Even as someone who dislikes Nicki Minaj's lyrics, WHO'S JOB WAS IT TO MAKE HER HOUSEWIFE?! Isn't she known for being "Miss Independent"? If it wasn't for a decent bridge (until the second half of it where she's housewife again), this song would be even more deplorable. It doesn't help that they brought down the rather talented Bebe Rexha. "Banging my drum like dum deedeeday/I like the dirty rhythm you play/I wanna hear ya callin' my name like/HEY MAMAMAMAMAMA HEY MAMAMAMAMA". Eww. How do I talk about this standalone?

Pretty Girls is the exact opposite of the previous song. It's the least appalling, but the most aggravating. An Iggy Azalea rap verse is the best part of the song, mainly because it is only four bars long, which is probably the reason this song flopped so quickly. The entire chorus where Britney Spears tries to be Charli XCX (who is the good Gwen Stefani/good Selena Gomez) is insufferable, especially the first two lines. "Wipe the floor with all the boys" is something an 8 year old would say, not someone approaching their 40s. But what worries me the most is this line, "Jump the line to the front/Do what we like, get what we want/We're just so pretty!" First off, neither of you are even that good looking, so be quiet. But the big issue is how Britney is trying to say, "if you're pretty then you get everything". No, no, NO. That is NOT right. Given that young girls (around my age) are the main listeners of this song, this is a huge issue. It turns them into snobby brats who get everything they want for about a decade and then no one cares about them anymore.

I Might Go Lesbian is flawed in concept and doesn't even try to make anything of it. Basically, Manika wants to become lesbian because of her bad times with men. Hahaha that doesn't even work. Not only that, but she's so painfully whiny with it that she has to be overdramatizing. "We're everything not that I hate in a man" So you are unaware of the fact that a Maroon 5 song called Wake Up Call exists, as well as an Eminem song called Kim, both about women who cheated. In general, as you listen to the song or read this post, I guarantee you a woman is cheating on a man/another woman. It doesn't help that Tyga is so painfully bad at trying to convince Manika to stay straight that she might as well go through with her decision.

All of these songs represent a significantly bigger problem. It's inevitable that young girls will hear most of these, if not all (I had to dig deep into bad music to find IMGL). These people are setting the example for the youth. No, I'm not a Tumblr fanatic who thinks that it's the end of the world if something talks about valuing a woman as a sexual being. That's completely fine. But there's a thin line between feminism and sexism. All these songs crossed that line miles ago.

Dear Future Husband is saying that all men are thirsty dogs while all women only truly love romance. First off, you let men be thirsty dogs in All About That Bass, in fact that was the basis for almost the entire song. Men also love romance. Not only this, but you are teaching the youth that it's okay to be controlling and materialistic. I mean, sure make him work for you, but don't be a demon to him! To the adolescent, marriage doesn't work this way. You both have to work together in this. It can't be only one's way. That isn't healthy whatsoever. Hey Mama is probably the least damaging, but still notable in its misogyny. It says that housewives are still relevant, even to the most independent. Again, relationships have more than one side and are much more complicated than they seem. I know this isn't important now, but it still unnerves me that Nicki Minaj of all people is playing housewife. Pretty Girls is much more broad and potentially more culturally damaging than both of these songs. Like I said before, it is okay to be pretty, but it is ABSOLUTELY NOT to make it the only thing you have. It makes you snobby, spoiled, and damages your relationships. If this is what you are going after, then reality will bite you in the butt before you know it. I'm sorry but it is true. I Might Go Lesbian is actually not as impactful as it may seem, but it still is to a large extent. It's saying that all men are putrid, cheating rats. Seems like your body grew faster than your mind, Manika. That is the mindset of a prepubescent 8 year old. And if you keep it up, you could cause others to maintain that mentality too! It doesn't help that you don't just choose to be lesbian because you're terrible with men. Again, I'm not a Tumblr fanatic, I'm just concerned with all of these being so wildly accessed.

All of these songs are egregious on all grounds, with no redeeming quality whatsoever. While they won't cause several hundred deaths like The Motto from 2012 did, they are definitely close, especially given how popular most of these are. I give them all -1/5s. This is WonkeyDude98, signing out of this special post.

Comments

BRAVO! You would make a really good writer. For a living. - RiverClanRocks

Thank you! - WonkeyDude98

You're welcome! - RiverClanRocks

It feels like this was by Velitelcabel for a second, even better; A collaboration. This is your best rant by a mile. - Swellow

I'm thinking about it, but with Jared's declining activity, it'll be hard. Thanks for the compliment! - WonkeyDude98

Maybe I'd start again in April or after my birthday, which is March 20. - visitor

Great job, even compared to your other posts. I agree with Swellow, this is your best one. - Martinglez

Thank you! - WonkeyDude98

Your welcome, just saying the truth - Martinglez

Nice - bobbythebrony

Looks interesting. - DynastiSugarPop

Thank you! - WonkeyDude98

Great post! I hate Meghan Trainer and want her to be blown up by one of her ex boyfriends!
That's called payback people! - Skullkid755

Indeed, brother! - WonkeyDude98

I actually liked DFH when I first heard it, but the I realized it was terrible. - visitor

Same here, - WonkeyDude98

I used to like Meghan Trainor, but then I got back into Stevie Nicks and that's when I realized something; Meghan is a cheapskate and weaksauce Amy Winehouse, but without the passion Amy had. - Swellow

IMGL: -1/5 (and I support LGBT)
Preety Girls : -3/5
Hey Mama: 2/5
DFH:.5/5 (this shrunk on me) - ProPanda

I Might Go Lesbian: -2/10 (Worst Song Ever)
Pretty Girls: 0/10
Hey Mama: 2/10
Dear Future Husband: 1/10 - NiktheWiz

Hey Mama is probably more popular that Dear Future Husband.
Sorry. I'm a huge nitpicker.
IMGL: - 10/10
Pretty Girls: 1/10
Hey Mama: 3/10
Dear Future Husband: 2/10 - JamesBourne

We need more great posts like this - TwilightKitsune

I like Hey Mama. - visitor

P