A Sarcastic Overview Of London Underground


In the modern world, transport is a necessity. Everything needs to go places, be it within their place of origin or out of it, in order to run the economy. People who don’t make use of it are those who either live close to their local Tesco, or indulge in video games at home all day until their mothers catch them seducing Princess Peach when either drunk or stoned. And that’s why London, with state-of-the-art innovations, invested in what would stop its population of 8.3 million from becoming like that. No, they didn’t sober the country up anyhow, they installed the London Underground.

I use the London Underground a considerable amount from time to time, so it’s not like I can express it typically for all. I decide to take the train into Central London one day, but in the end, I was convinced that walking, in spite of the time difference, was the better option. What made me settle with this? It was the sign outside Ealing Broadway Station saying “Tube Strike”. I walk on, with the state of mind in which I consider this the best for us all. It’s more than just giving me the chance to walk through some of London’s amazing streets, many of which are underrated*. It’s bringing more attention to the pitiful, hard/working simpletons who say that they want to be able to afford to sit on their arses in a brand new Jaguar as much as they sit on their arses at work. This is something which they will hold up a whole line of trains to make clear, which commuters accumulating on every station realise from the moment that they know that they’re not going anywhere. This is too advantageous for London as a whole. People are urged to walk and see the parts of London which not everyone gets to see, like the very friendly and sophisticated Stratford and Croydon. They need not hang around for the staff, whose needs are important to them primarily, no matter how ridiculous. In working like this, the entire concept of transport is made obsolete by the campaign for justice. But every Londoner should now be used to this, so they not see this as a crisis. They only have to picture it as a method of keeping fit with every step they can make from one side of the city to the other, and clearing the stations only gives more room for the protesting bums. Who loses?

On another day, I try the Tube again. No strike today. This surprised me. So I enter the underground station, and immediately note the viscousity of the air. I love how TFL have accommodated for the conservation of the world’s ever dwindling supply of oxygen by pumping it out of the station so everyone only just has enough to make it to where they’re going. It’s always a good thing to be as energy efficient as possible, which is something which they certainly know how to talk about when talking about their trains, at least.

The moment I’m on the platform, I wait for my train. I could play six games of chess with the guy sitting on the bench reading the Metro in the time it takes a train that won’t terminate three stops from me to get here, but I won’t. This is the start of a mega-awkward eye-to-eye with this commuter which I don’t know how I would do without. My memory for faces improves every time I’m on the London Underground, simply given this scenario. In fact, when I’m finally on the train, one can immerse oneself in accidental eye contact from every angle. And there are many other fun things that are common when sealed in a carriage with hundreds of absolute strangers, for instance, I get to stand wedged between two deodorant-deficient bystanders in the absence of seats that are free of people, bags and chewing gum. I get to hear music from people adjacent to me resonating from their Beats by Dr. Dres, and people think I’m such a fun guy that they like to keep me from the doors for two stops after where I intended to get off! I leave my fun friends to sublime in the heat as I get off the train, as I acknowledge the great effort made by the staff in the stressful job of blankly stating that they should mend the gap.

Once I’m off the train, I get plenty of exercise on the way out, following thousands of signs through an endless network of tunnels, comfortably sandwiched between commuters who are as comfortable as I am on their way up numerous escalators, and angrily finding a pass scanner which works, until I am in the fresh London air. I see that I’m not that far from home after all, and that that station ten stops back is just around the corner, but I decide that I’ll go home on the Tube again, as I’d just had the most exciting detour of my life. And with all other lines on the railway currently being shut, all the more people will be on it, so I just can’t wait to get back in!

The London Underground, it would appear, is London’s finest mode of transport. With pigeons at every station ready to provide souvenirs for the exterior of your bag, a huge range of entertaining friends which you make once your eyes are in the same plane, and its fair promotion of other ways around the city, the Tube is as fantastic as being harpooned and dragged along by a boat. You may be in considerable pain, but you take pride in knowing that you’ve experienced a whole new method of travelling. Why take the bus?

*Have you seen the Uxbridge Road around Ealing, people? It is a hive for competitive Persian restaurants and Polish delis that want to torch each other to the ground. The perfect tourist spot which cold-blooded Americans have bypassed.


I put this blog here because I think it's a thing that all Anglophiles need to comprehend before they set foot in London. - PositronWildhawk

Oh wow! This is so amazing - and true! And definitely sarcastit. This gives the best insight to The Tube that you'll ever read. This blog should be displayed on every station on London's vast underground. It's not only fascinating and insightful, it's amusing. And at the very least gives you something to think about other than the sweaty, ketchup-stained vested chap who has his armpit in your face! - Britgirl

That's true. You cannot bypass the beautiful streets of London because of the overcrowded underground trains. Nice blog PositronWildhawk! Your writing skills is amazing! - Kiteretsunu

True. True. True. And yet another PositronWildhawk blog post goes by... Can't wait for the next one! - CityGuru