A Sarcastic Overview Of Apple Maps


I look around, analysing my situation. I see a world around me, a world that isn’t mine. A primitive, squalid, alien universe; a hive for supernatural structures to keep me trapped in a loop of directionless turmoil, with no simple way out, and only the hope of what the Genius told me to keep me strong. I hear a voice that isn’t my own, a command transmitted to my conscience by a microwave signal, and I feel the order to turn left here, and penetrate the concrete barrier that is apparently a random house but takes the form of the CN Building, off to my destination. As I push against the wall, I soon realise it is in vain, but the electronic command continues to push me through a torturous convolution, robbing me of pride, dignity, independent concentration, bedevilled into control of us all, to drive its users into a whirlpool of tumult.

I am the happiest guy in the world. Today has been an eventful day, with much to show the world around me. And it only started with meeting a very nice girl, who gave me her address, which I could simply forward to the greatly helpful and flawless Siri, who promptly presented me with a map. Apparently she lives in an icosahedral house surrounded by liquid roads and zigzagged lamp posts, directly between Fulham and Dobong. Still, this is guided by satellites and provided by the richest company in the world, so this must make sense. NASA could land a probe on Mars and not receive anything like the profit that Apple does, so this must be advanced science that we’re seeing here, provided by Geniuses in their own right.

I set off, leaving my house, sorry, my Coliseum, and turn 156.84° to the left and directly into the river Nile. But I’m dry. So Apple’s somehow making me walk on water! How do they do this?!?! I walk over a bizarrely shaped crocodile before I see what looks suspiciously like my own house a mile from where I started. Interesting. There’s no way a thief will have shifted my home over there faster than I can walk, so I must have stumbled somehow into a parallel universe. One in which water is dense and essentially solid, in which I live in a London Theatre that looks like my house from the inside, and buildings exist in multiple dimensions. This is some amazing technology that could show to us how higher dimensions can be expressed. All we need is access to areas beyond the Earth’s surface and cosmological topology will suddenly become a lot easier! The intelligent thinking that goes into this presumptively simple app is plainly astonishing.

After a short series of instructions followed to the letter, I find myself in a completely new environment. I do not doubt my wondrous new navigation system, but just to be certain, I ask the man besides me where I am. But he was a deranged foreigner who only spoke Waca-Waca, as did his group of Waca-Wacan friends, so I simply assume that I’ll have to trust it. It’s perfectly convenient that this technology must always be correct. I walked through a bone-shaped house which looked like a fungus was growing out of it, past some seemingly earthquake damaged and somehow perfectly shaped roads and past a melting hospital, until I found someone who spoke English but spoke it funny. He claimed that my system was useless and that I’d gone 7,000 miles the wrong way. Erm… hello? This is the science of multiple dimensions applied to extravagant circumstances, which just made me see things that Stephen Hawking struggles to explain! It was pointless arguing with that moron, and so, I kept going. It seems that I was one of few to see this work of great intelligence for what it is. But still, there have been many scientific principles in the past that were rejected before acceptance. This, I think, is one of them. When the community realises the mistake that they’re making now, human knowledge shall expand dramatically. Why do you think the company have continued the elaborate process?

I begin to contemplate as I am now surrounded by ten-dimensional buildings, each one stated to be Stonehenge. Perhaps they show its appearance in parallel universes. I could have sworn that one of them had giant meerkats in it. That may be the universe in which Britain lost their historic empire to the Africans, which does not exist. But most importantly, I wonder just where I will end up next. I’m just expecting the wormhole to open up anywhere, getting me lost in multiple worlds where tarmac and concrete melt at room temperature, and let me see new things that world class physicists struggle to imagine, and hopefully outline a new branch of cosmological science unlike anything that Weinberg and Susskind have predicted so far. Simply thanks to this technology, I hold the key to the universe.

So that’s why I’m happy. Having seen the world around me from a new perspective, having seen things unexplained by science, and having had a wild expedition without expectation, I must say that Apple Maps truly changes the way in which the planet looks, and could one day prove to be a revolution for navigation of higher dimensions and multiple universes. When this quantum phenomenon is fully derived, a new generation of human knowledge may begin, and I would love to see this in my lifetime. Thanks to the company for ditching Google’s everyday non-revolutionary sightseer’s scrapbook; for this, I would blame the Genius.


You never fail to amuse and amaze me with your glorious blogs, Pos. Interesting and captivating. I read that while eating a curry Pot Noodle and I and have to admit that while I adore curried variety Pot Noodle (even though there is very little taste) I enjoyed your blog more - much more taste and definitely funnier! Thank you for a very entertaining ten minutes! - Britgirl

Pot Noodles are humourless. Don't get them to entertain you. - PositronWildhawk

I'm still slightly confused with the analogy you made of multiple dimensions with apple maps. Can you explain it clearly, P.W.
But the Post was fantastic. Brilliantly written English, good choice of words and wonderful scientific similes. Good job! - Kiteretsunu

I'm (sarcastically) suggesting that the maps are taking use of multiple co-ordinates in space to direct one to a destination, and comparing it with cosmological topology, partially in terms of string theory. The non-scientists here can picture this as curvature of the dimensions that we know to express a higher dimension, which can be expressed up to 10 dimensions, excluding dimensions of time. These dimensions are not expressed in our everyday world but understanding how they arise is being used to explain how fundamental properties of the universe work. The concept has been used to attempt to unify quantum physics with gravity, which will create a universal model for gravitational effects in our universe, and may also determine how the universe is shaped and how it came to expand following the Big Bang. It's fascinating stuff, but it's also entirely mathematical, so it can't really be accepted as a phenomenon of science until experimentally proven. But as I said, it blows the mind how it comes to be. - PositronWildhawk

Oi! Kiretsunu!
Apple Maps glitches all the time, so it often appears as if multiple dimensions exist. - CityGuru

I have an android phone and so google maps. Never worked with apple maps and so I don't particularly know how they behave. But if that's the case, then glitches can really make the virtual possibility of multiple dimensions a reality in apple maps. Can give a good simulation to how multiple dimensions will look like in reality. - Kiteretsunu