Top Ten Most Asinine Ways to Attempt a Jailbreak

What better of a time could there be for my first humorous list than PositronWildhawk's birthday? Happy 18th, you old knacker.

The Top Ten

1 Create a hacksaw out of fingernail clippings and saw through the bars

2 Pretend you're actually a logo on your cellmate's T-shirt bound for the prison laundry

"Why's your mate posing on your shirt? "

"Actually, that's really my 3D Iron Maiden T-shirt. It's an iconic photo of Bruce Dickinson."

3 Use your water ration to erode the cell walls

Wouldn't take long at all.

4 Starve yourself until you can squeeze through the bars

5 Sing heartbreaking songs to the guard until he pities you so much that he releases you

Or sing Barney/Dora until he can't take it anymore

Complete with harmonica, of course.

6 Convince the guard that you're actually God's promised Messiah

7 Convince the guard that every year on his birthday, PositronWildhawk gets to free a convict, and this year he picked you

"That's right, old Pos himself requested my release. Says he needs me for a double-blind experiment or something."

Well, I guess I'd need a lawyer to confirm each case for me, so I can decide the most innocent.
Excellent birthday present, PetSounds!

8 Cool the bars on one side of the cell to superconducting temperature, and allow the magnetic field to pull out the bars on the other side

A nice way to demonstrate the power of superconductivity. I'm sure the prison guards might take some electrodynamics lessons thereafter, if ever anyone succeeds in doing that.

9 Convince the guard to come into your cell on the pretext of killing a spider, then knock him out

"I say, old chap, there's a rather massive arachnid perched on my ceiling, and he's making life dashed unpleasant. Slay him for me, there's a good fellow."

10 Argue with the forces of nature and convince them that there is no solid wall behind you

The Contenders

11 Sue the court for fraud, win, and get out

12 Use psychokinetic powers to lift the cell walls

13 Go travel down the toilet

14 Give the cell guard a handy

15 Tell the guard his wife is in danger and only you can save her

May be convincing

16 Use a spoon to dig a hole out of the jail

That's not going to work.

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