Top Ten Asinine Ways to Try to Colonize Another Planet

PositronWildhawk
We can't stay on Earth forever, so one way or another, we gotta find another home. Just do it sensibly, and not like what you're about to see.

The Top Ten

1 Get Everyone In the World to Ejaculate Freely Into Space

The average ejaculation releases 250 million sperm cells. There are 3.5 billion men in the world. Thus, 0.875 quadrillion sperm cells will be released in this event. That's 8.75 billion sperm cells for every planet in our galaxy, or the equivalent of 35 ejaculations per planet. By some statistical maneuvers, perhaps aided by genetic programming, the semen could hypothetically spread out and dump more than enough of our DNA on other planets, including those that support life. It's a long shot, but I know a fair few people who may be willing to give it a try. - PositronWildhawk

We may require some female assistance for this important scientific undertaking to insure maximum output. All in the interests of science and the advancement of humanity of course. - Billyv

Only if the sperm cells are genetically modified according to the "water bear (tardigrade)" configuration, which can survive in outer space. Then it might have a chance. - Kiteretsunu

"It's a long shot" a long shot indeed.

This is also assuming those 3.5 billion men have genitals and sperm right? - keycha1n

2 Build a High-Energy Particle Accelerator Large Enough to Create a Wormhole, Hopefully Leading to a Suitable Planet

Or it could destroy the planet we're already on, and if not, take us somewhere useless in the spacetime continuum. The former is more likely, though. Eh, it could go either way, given that that tiny probability is at least non-zero. - PositronWildhawk

3 Change Our Messages to Alien Civilisations, Imploring That They Let Us Use Their Planet for Its Lavatory

No, really, we've all been holding it in this entire time! But we can't risk any further CO2 emissions! - PositronWildhawk

4 Create a Series of Nuclear Explosions Large Enough to Propel the Earth to the Next Best Planet

I really hope this course relies more on the gravitational slingshots than the nuclear explosions. But most of all, I hope the Earth won't blow up. - PositronWildhawk

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5 Wait Patiently For A Rogue Planetary Body With Perfect Conditions To Come Within Range

In the long run, we can't say with absolute certainty that anything like a gravitational orbit is stable. Anything that can happen will happen, so it seems. So wait a universally long time and you might just see a nice planet come by. - PositronWildhawk

6 Perform a Mass Ritual to Summon a Planet Into Our Solar System

Sadly, a lot of people probably think this would work. - PetSounds

7 Build a Mechanical Probe Designed to Impregnate Aliens With Human DNA
8 Hitch a Lift From Aliens Happening to be Passing By

Let's flag down a ufo and tell them why - Toucan

Just as Douglas Adams envisioned. - PositronWildhawk

9 Selectively Breed People With Potential Superpowers Until The Entire Population of Earth Can Leave Individually
10 Shoot Randomly Selected People Out of a Cannon Into Space Until They Hit a Suitable Planet

The Contenders

11 Take the atmosphere of venus and move it to mars

Then venus would be cooler and mars will be hot enough, you can have 2 habitable planets. - Harri666

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Top Remixes

1. Get Everyone In the World to Ejaculate Freely Into Space
2. Build a High-Energy Particle Accelerator Large Enough to Create a Wormhole, Hopefully Leading to a Suitable Planet
3. Change Our Messages to Alien Civilisations, Imploring That They Let Us Use Their Planet for Its Lavatory
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