Top Ten Awkward Conversations You May Have With Your Dog If Your Dog Could Talk

PositronWildhawk It would be quite something if your dog could talk, but these conversations may not break the ice the way you want it to.

The Top Ten

1 Why are you picking up my crap?

I was going to eat that.

(To the dog) - Well, I wish you could that instead of me, but you're too dumb for that. And yeah you don't have hands, and using your mouth would be very shameful for me as your master if others saw you doing that. They would say I didn't train you properly. But yeah, to be honest, I bloody hate picking up your crap! - Kiteretsunu

My dog eats her crap. I hate to pick their crap! - DogsUnleashed

I dunno, because it was on my f&@$in' bedroom carpet?!?! - PositronWildhawk

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2 Your brother's really restless with me on him. Can I sleep with you tonight?

I have found my dogs on my bed before. Sometimes as I wake up. I don't mind at all. Just don't judge me. - PositronWildhawk

My dog randomly comes into my room. Oh look, she's here now! - Wolftail

Sure you can. But I get to be on top! - Britgirl

3 Being neutered is nothing to be ashamed of. I bet all of your friends are.

This is the kind of conversation that I'd rather avoid. - PositronWildhawk

4 I'm sorry, I'm not having you impregnate the dog next door. They'll just give us the damn litter!

I'm sorry, human, that "bitch" and I are in love. You can't take that from us! - PositronWildhawk

(Dog talks back) - Ain't I already neutered? - Kiteretsunu

5 You're not sharing the bacon sandwich!

"As I speak, I am adding mustard to my bacon sandwich."
"You sick son of a bitch." - PositronWildhawk

6 There is no pleasing you! You don't like foxes in your dustbins, you don't like me barking at them, who wins?

Well, I've never been able to win in this case. - PositronWildhawk

7 I really love those jeans. They look and smell delicious.

(To dog) Hey, these jeans were just bought today. I spent all my savings. What did I ever do to you? - DogsUnleashed

Don't even think about it. Would I do that to you? - PositronWildhawk

8 You're being rather bitchy.

Oh, how my two bitches (female dogs) dislike misuse of this word. - PositronWildhawk

(To dog) Now that's sexist. You son of a "bitch". Oh, I forgot, all your friends are sons of "bitches". - DogsUnleashed

9 Don't worry about the rent. I've marked every corner of our territory.

Well, that's very thoughtful, but it only worsens the situation. - PositronWildhawk

That's why dogs talk dog and we talk English. - funnyuser

10 What a nice, soft, silky coat you have...

I like you stroking me, human, but don't make this too obscene. - PositronWildhawk

The Contenders

11 If you want the stick so badly, why do you throw it away?
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