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If Enid Blyton Wrote Game Of ThronesTwilightKitsune Hi Toptenners! It’s a-me, TwilightKitsune, and I’ve come back with a new post.
As we all know, Enid Blyton books and Game of Thrones have a lot in common. They both
- Have mythical creatures like dragons
- (some of EB’s)Are set in the past
- Involve princes and princesses
- Fit the mindset of your average politician
Honestly, Game of Thrones and Enid Blyton books have so much similarities, it’s almost as if they were written by the same person. What if they were, though? What if two of the world’s most alike books ever were mashed into one? Ever wanted to find out? If yes, I present to you……
GAME OF BLYTON!
Once upon a time there was a boy named Jon. He frowned a lot. You don’t like people who frown, do you? They sound horrid.
Jon was sitting in his room when his friend came in. ‘Oi Jon,’ he said, ‘can I borrow your knife?’ he asked.
‘No,’ said Jon. ‘Go kill yourself’.
‘Oh, you are a horrid boy!’ said Jon’s friend.
Jon’s eyes widened in anger. ‘How dare you call me horrid!’ he thundered. ‘Take it back at once!’
‘Shan’t!’ said the friend. ‘You are horrid, horrid, HORRID!’
Do you know what the bad Jon did? Why – he got up and killed his friend!
‘Oh bother!’ said his friend as he died. ‘You spilled blood over my best Sunday clothes! I shall tell mother’
‘You can’t tell your mother because you are dead’ said Jon. ‘That is your punishment for calling me horrid’.
Jon decided to go shopping for a new knife as his old one was used in killing his friend.
Well, at the shop, he realized they were out of knives.
‘You are a bastard!’ Jon said to the shopkeeper.
‘How dare you call me a bastard’ said the shopkeeper. ‘You are cheeky’.
Jon grew mad! He grabbed a club. ‘Tell me I’m cheeky now, bitch!’ he said as he rammed it into the shopkeeper’s head.
‘What a nasty little boy’ were the shopkeeper’s final words before he died.
Robert Baratheon and his wife Cersei Lannister were having breakfast together. Cersei was also playing with her doll, (because in the Enid Blyton universe it is a legal requirement that every organism with an XX chromosome plays with dolls).
‘I like my doll’ said Cersei.
‘Pooh!’ said Robert. ‘Dolls are for ugly people’
‘You are an arsehole’ said Cersei.
Robert screamed. Cersei looked at him in disgust. Fancy a man behaving like that! Why, only babies screamed.
Robert screamed until he was purple in the face. ’I AM NOT AN ARSEHOLE!’.
(Repeat until the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky way collide)
Robert was angry. ‘Fine, if you want to prove to me you are not an arsehole, tie this noose around your neck!’ said Cersei.
‘Fine, I shall’ said Robert. He tied the noose around his neck – and died!
‘Do rot in hell’ said Cersei as she witnessed Robert die.
‘Oh blow’ said Robert as he died. ‘I am dead’.
Roose Bolton was poking Fat Walda Frey, trying to get her to shudder and moan ‘oh bother bother bother!’.
‘I enjoy the way you shudder and moan’ said Roose Bolton.
However, Fat was a naughty girl who had no manners.
‘You are silly’ said Fat.
(Note: In the Enid Blyton universe calling someone silly is equivalent to calling someone a m*****f****** c***)
Roose’s screws fell loose.
‘YOU ARE HORRID! I SHALL KILL YOU, JUST LIKE I KILLED MY OTHER TWO WIVES!’ yelled Roose.
Before he could kill her, Jon Snow came in. ‘Oi Roose!’ he said. ‘I need a knife because I lost the old one in killing my friend.’
Then Cersei came in. ‘Oi Roose,’ she said. ‘I killed my husband, do you want his corpse for dinner?’
Roose looked at Jon and Cersei.
Jon looked at Cersei and Roose.
Cersei looked at Jon and Roose.
‘Do you know what this means?’ said Roose. ‘MEAT PARTY!
The three of them sat happily eating Robert’s corpse with knives.
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