Best Jokes of All Time

SmoothCriminal

The Top Ten

1 Good women are found on every corner of the earth but sadly the earth is round!

So peoples you can latterly use this joke in a comedy act like this: Well when I was little my dad said that good woman are found on every corner of the earth! My first question to that was how many corners does the earth have. Then I realized the earth has no corners. Tis is by far the best joke

That is the funniest one. It should be first.

What the heck is this suppose to mean - iiwreky

Bad because I do not get it

V 12 Comments
2 Come to the Darkside... We Have Cookies!!

Every single one of these jokes are stupid. I found none of them even remotely funny, they are all for kids, real immature toilet humour. I mean its dry and stupid

Absolutely stupid; even more so than "Why did the chicken cross the road". What if I said "come join the Nazis, we have pancakes"? The reaction would generally not be laughter because it isn't witty.

It is supposed to be "COME TO THE DARK SIDE, WE HAVE LOKI, and cookies." This one is so much better. - LokiLaufeyson2000

Oh, I heard it

V 10 Comments
3 How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

I hate this joke. It's not funny and offensive to MJ. How can you people let this stand. - Draco

With a babies penis

Man, this joke is bad. It's offensive. - Animefan12

HORRIBLE

V 4 Comments
4 Come to the dark side, we have Loki, and cookies

This joke is probably the best
Hell even finds this positive
Inside a homeless shelter hobos are laughing
Sharks in the tanks are... Also laughing.

Jesters tell this to their kings
Other people spread the joke
Kangaroos hop as they hear the joke
Everyone laughs at this masterpiece.

Inside my heart is laughing
Super Nintendos drop to the ground when the joke is heard.

Black people don't find it offensive
And blondes don't too.
Dads tell their sons, and you should to... - DapperPickle

5 Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

because there's 20 of them, hehehehe - SmoothCriminal

That's just sick, but funny, lol - SmoothCriminal

Oh, I get it! 20 eight-year olds, right! - Animefan12

Its funny b/c it is 20 8 yr old kids

6 Kid: Mom I'm on Coke.. Mom: OMG how dare you?, you little.. Kid: and PEPSI!!!

It's funny when I tell someone I'm addicted to coke cause they think I mean the drug :P - booklover1

Mom, I'm on coke
Is it good?
No! My name is on the coke bottle!

This is what would happen. Then I would finally find the "Jill" on the name bottles. - Merilille

She must work for mtn dew them lol. - ONHOLIDAY

7 I know why the lights went out. Because they liked each other.

I get it but it is stupid

8 Come to the nerd side... We have pi

Lol. I'm not a nerd in any sense but this is pretty funny. I'll tell my nerd neighbor to use it, she will probably smother me with know large of pi while doing her distinctly nerdy laugh.

Better version of "come to the dark side we have cookies". Much better.

Put that on a shirt - PositronWildhawk

I'm hungry, but don't rush me :P

V 2 Comments
9 Yo mama so fat, she takes up space

It's so lame that its funny

So dumb but funny

Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on a dollar, George Washington sang "Oh say can you see get your fat ass off me" is better :P

Wait, do you mean personal AND outer space? because that'll be even better.:b - Nick-brick8

V 1 Comment
10 Kid: do u have a P.S.P.?, Kid2: yes, Kid3: haha you have a Pretty Small Penis

Whoa, I never knew what this meant. Now I know. When my friend first asked me I said:
"Yeah" and he looked at me, scared. Then I thought, that's not good. So I just said:
"No, I was just kidding. By the way, what does that mean? I thought you meant the game system. "

Awesome! I have another.
Kid1: Do you want to be the Chairman Of the World?
Kid2: Yes, of course!
Kid1: That means you are a COW!
Kid2: Oh, Chairman Of the World! Yes! It's abbreviation is cow! Awesome!
Kid1: Yeah, and it's you.
Kid2: Aargh! - Animefan12

Laugh out loud Nice haha.. will definitely use this on one of my friendss...!

3DS is way better anyways!

The Contenders

11 What do you call a 70s cookie band? OREO Speedwagon.
12 What happens to a Rhinoceros during puberty? He gets horny.
13 What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine? Give me my quarterback/quarter back!
14 What did the digital clock say to its mom? Look Mom, no hands.
15 What doesn't get wet when it rains? The ocean.
16 I wub u.

Awkward?

17 Yo mama so stupid when she got fired she set herself on fire

Makes no sense at all but I just love it for that. The best on here in my opinion. There's something about it that just makes you laugh. I don't even know what it is but lol.

What did you say about my mama?

Yo mama yo mama sucks

18 What is the biggest crime in the sea? Grand Theft Otter.
19 A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells You should have been here at 8:30! he replies: Why? What happened at 8:30?

Haha nothing ever hapens at a job you hate

20 Defeating a sandwich only makes it tastier

You am no real super sand

You am no real super sand... Aahh

Don't get it���"

21 Why does Mr. McMahon have to go to heaven?

Vincent Kennedy McMahon is a legend.

Cos he has no chance in HELL - SmoothCriminal

22 Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 11. One to screw it in and 10 to take 200 photos of it for Facebook.

I know a better one.
How many monkeys does it take to screw a light bulb?
Ans. 3. 1 to hold the bulb and two to turn the wall around. - Animefan12

23 What's the difference between a mole and an eagle. They both live underground, except for the eagle.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a lion? One is heartless, roars angrily at everything, has stupid hair and eats the innocent... The other is a lion.

It said EXCEPT for the eagle - they were basically making fun of their own joke

How the hell would an eagle be underground? - Animefan12

What?

V 1 Comment
24 Your mama is so fat she couldn't fit on Earth

Yo mama so fat when she caught a magikarp, She was imprisoned.

If Yo mama splashed into North Pacific Ocean, Alaska Drowned, so what if her magikarp splashes? - Animefan12

Yo mama so fat when she splashed in North Pacific Ocean, Alaska drowned! - Animefan12

25 What did the crop say to the farmer? Why are you always picking on me?
26 What's green and dangerous? A frog with a gun

Man, this is even worse than "What's yellow and has a peel? A banana! " - Animefan12

What is black white and crazy? A constipated panda!

Is this an anti-joke?

What is black and white? I dunno, maybe a Leopard kind of...

V 3 Comments
27 How do spirits keep fit? They exorcise.
28 The only thing school is teaching me is texting without looking, hehehe

Yeah, teachers refer to daydreaming kids as "Physically present but mentally absent! " - Animefan12

And sleeping with my eyes open haha.

GG whoever did this. They have a sense of humor lol. All the other jokes some random junk they found in a joke book. This persons funny and you can tell

Lol I agree

29 Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side.

Why did the blonde get to the other side? Because she crossed the road. Yeah...

No matter how many times I hear that joke I still do not get it

Well, it's just the classic, isn't it?

How is this not number 1?

V 4 Comments
30 Why can't the comedian tell a dirty laundry joke? It always comes out clean!
31 Why did the chicken cross the road? You didn't cook it.

Ha ha! This is nice! - Animefan12

OH NO! WHY DID I NOT COOK THE CHICKEN? NOW IT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE!

32 Yo mama so stupid she she stuck a battery up her butt and said I got the power

My favourite yo mama joke. - DunnaNunnaBatman

33 My papa got stung from a bee and the bee said 'buzz kill' and my father thought he'd die from that bee sting.
34 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! To get away from the cook! To prove he's no chicken!
35 Why do maids have butts? Because they had lumbar lordosis just because their servant was Lumb R. Lordosis!
36 What do you call a baby with no arms, no legs and floating in the ocean? Answer: F****d!

Now this is funny. Was laughing until my face turned purple, then carried on laughing! It's cruel, but hilarious too!

I cried mysef to sleep when I read this joke. Absolutely hilarious. Some other jokes on this list are pretty good as well but this one is the best of the lot of them. Laugh out loud

This is offensive but nice. - Animefan12

37 What do keemstar and an onion have in common? They both make old men cry.
38 I know Victoria's secret and it ain't pretty.
39 Yo mama so fat she has her own website
40 How many babies does it take to make a wall red? Depends on how hard you throw 'em!

My classmates use this joke. So nice! - Animefan12

41 Why was the broom late? It overswept!
42 What is black and white and red? A sunburned zebra.
43 Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9!
44 Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Who cares, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

I hope you get hodgkins lymphoma

Who brought you into this world? A woman.

45 She wants the direct.
46 What's 9+10? uh 21

That is old, but is my favorite joke

This is my favorite joke 9+10=21.

No it is 23 because the plus is 2 1s and so is the equal sign

47 R2-D2 is the most obscene character in movie history, because everything he said was bleeped out.
48 Q. Whats red and smells of blue paint A. Red paint

Hey, wait, I don't get it. What does that mean? - Animefan12

It's an anti-joke, Animefan12. Most of these are. You're ruining it for all of us.

49 Q: Whats the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies? A: You cant unload a truck full of bowling balls using a pitchfork.

I don't like the baby jokes cause I have a 3 month baby sister and makes me feel bad, esp this one

What the heck? This is terrible! Who keeps putting these jokes on here? - mpgami

50 A horse walks into a bar. 5 men see the risk associated with this situation and quickly leave.
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List Stats

600 votes
102 listings
7 years, 292 days old

Top Remixes (8)

1. Come to the dark side, we have Loki, and cookies
2. Good women are found on every corner of the earth but sadly the earth is round!
3. Come to the nerd side... We have pi
LokiLaufeyson2000
1. Why did the chicken cross the road? You didn't cook it.
2. My papa got stung from a bee and the bee said 'buzz kill' and my father thought he'd die from that bee sting.
3. She wants the direct.
PrinceAntho
1. Good women are found on every corner of the earth but sadly the earth is round!
2. I know why the lights went out. Because they liked each other.
3. What do you call a 70s cookie band? OREO Speedwagon.
Metal_Treasure

WRemix
View All 8

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