Sarcasm Series Contest: Michigan

Turkeyasylum The state of Michigan is a terrible place nobody shall ever have the displeasure of visiting. You may be thinking, hey, at least we have the Great Lakes to visit! Wrong. They're frozen over year round, even Lake Ontario, which definitely touches Michigan since the merging of Michigan and New York under the name of Michigan. But we're covering the original part of Michigan. And trust me, we'll be going step by step, place by place to tell you what Michigan is like.

Starting with Detroit, Flint, and Saginaw. They're the most developed cities in America, with a zero percent unemployment rate since 1967. The Detroit riots of that year helped bring more jobs in because the riots destroyed much of Detroit, making it necessary for heaps of construction companies to saplvage the city in two years. They then built "Disneyland Detroit" which is a popular tourist destination in Detroit, being the second most popular following Detroit Lions football games, a team who has spontaneously won 15 Super Bowls since 1970. Their victory in 2015 was caused by the other team's coach deflating the ball, then telling Detroit's coach by accident and neglecting his own players about the news. That other team happened to be the Jacksonville Jaguars, who won in 2014. Flint and Saginaw are also developed cities, with Flint having a chocolate fountain, yes, a chocolate fountain. Chocolate comes from a fountain in downtown Flint, which is how they feed tourists, squatters, and diabetic children. The city has sold chocolate bars from that fountain and Flint is called Chocolate City, USA. Because of that, Hershey moved all their factories from Hershey, Pennsylvania to Flint, Michigan so they could put chocolate fountains in all their factories, From milk chocolate to cookies and crème chocolate, all the chocolate you could ask for is in Flint. Meanwhile, Saginaw is a thriving city dedicated to ice fishing. Its population is only 300, but despite that, they manage to catch over 200,000,000 pike from the Great Lakes all year. Saginaw is known for getting three feet of snow every week, even in the summer.

The center of the state (AKA every place in Michigan not 20 miles from a Great Lake) has TONS of mosquitoes. Not only that, but they are the size of elephants and many tourists have been caught riding them without renting a car, hurting the car industry in Michigan. Actually, everyone in Michigan owns pet mosquitoes from only Michigan, nowhere else. Cars and roads aren't needed, and the mosquitoes are even equipped with seatbelts and windows. But if you mistreat your mosquito, he can bite you and you'll itch for weeks, not on just one spot, but your entire body will itch. So be sure to take care of your mosquitoes. Lansing is in the central regions of Michigan. The popular belief is that Lansing is the capital, but you're wrong. The capital is Ontanogan (We'll get to Ontanogan later). Lansing is a city where you can get anything you want, as long as the color of the item is black. Lansing is so technilogically advanced, it has its own govermnent. The owner of Lansing, named Dick Snyder started a pretzel company in Hanover called Snyder's of Hanover in 1909. Today, he is still alive and hasn't aged a bit. He gives charcoal black pretzels to the citizens of Lansing on exchange for a stripping show, electricity, plumbing, heat, or manufacturing. Everyone living in Lansing's sole purpose is to either create black objects, provide services to the whole city, or to please the leader. The leader wakes up every day and thinks "Who on the streets of the People's Republic of Lansing looks the hottest today?". He then takes one of his 300 maids and asks her to go to bed with him. After he eats breakfast, she puts on an exotic show, then pleases him in the bed. Everyone is happy because Dick made a toxin which he outs in all his pretzels. This toxin keeps everyone in Lansing's walls.

The west side of Michigan is run by atheists. It's mostly full of blighting, deserted cities, such as Grand Rapids or Traverse City. However, there are some pristine cities, including Muskegon and Kalamazoo. Muskegon is known as the "Cherry, apple, mango, banana, lettuce, tomato, orange, blueberry, strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, coconut, onion, carrot, and fig capital of the world". This is because all of Muskegon, including Muskegon Heights, which thrives even more than Muskegon, has been placed in a dome which controls weather across the whole area. You can walk two blocks to go from a ski resort to a tropical beach getaway. It's the biggest tourist sestination in America. Additionally, it's the Coast Guard city of the USA. But why does it only have 30,000 people? They do a breath-a-lizer test to everyone who wants to move into Muskegon or Muskegon Heights. For the most part, everyone fails because everyone living everywhere else in America, especially Utah, are deep alcoholics. Despite this, Muskegon and Muskegon Heights relatie still drink frequenly. They call their process "population control" because if everyone wante to move into Muskegon, it would become too big and the dome would collapse, killing everyone inside. Also, they don't allow Christians into Muskegon or the Heights, just like most West Michigan cities. It's arbitrary of someone to say Muskegon is a wasteland because it's the polar opposite in reality. Now to Grand Rapids. Grand Rapids is just a rundown s***hole that creates crappy furniture. In the early 1900s, if you were unlucky enouh to sit in a Grand Rapids chair, it would do one of two things: You would either get cursed and die that day or the chair would fall apart upon impact (they don't like glue, adhesive, screws, or nails in their furniture) and you would be rushed to a hospital in Holland (because Grand Rapids has zero hospitals. ZERO). However, if you were rushed to Holland and were Dutch, you would get turned down. Holland is in the midst of a genocide against Dutch people, so if you're Dutch, STAY AWAY.

Now to an area we call the UP. The UP is the hottest place in Michigan. Lake Superior burns at 203 degrees Farenheit, so Superior's water is really only good for your morning tea. The land scorches at 150 degrees Farenheit every day. Mosquitoes cannot survive here, and the UP is the biggest desert in America. The UP is part of Michigan, of course, but this may change very soon since the Mackinac Bridge is melting very quickly on the UP's side due to prolonged exposure to the heat. You can clearly see the boundary between the UP and LP if you're in between it because the people in the LP wear parkas year round and the people in the UP wear tank tops and underwear, if anything. The capital of Michigan, Ontanogan, is located here. Ontanogan is the only part of Michigan (besides Muskegon) with normal temperatures. Ontanagon is a city which boasts 10,000,000 people more than Los Angeles to be exact. They make sure this stays the same by nakinf sex illegal in both cities. To add population, they take someone from the UP or northern California (depends on which city) and put them in the corresponding city. They put them in there with no money at all, so both cities are incredibly poor and full of washed-up actors and actresses. Ontanogan used to be home to a technological university, but that was destroyed to build the 14,000th anti-hunting billboard in Ontanogan. No, people don't hunt deer or geese in Ontanagon, they hunt people. People get hunted in such mass quantities, that Michigan made a hieght quota and made a limit to how many you could hunt for each year. You are only allowed to hunt males, not females because they were afraid you could kill a fetus of you were unlucky enough. The governer's name is A. Rich Mann. A. Rich Mann is very poor, however, as he donates all his money to the Yoopers (people in the UP) to either buy alcohol, a deck of playing cards to play euchre (they eat the cards when intoxicated), or guns and ammunition to hunt people. Ontanogan is indeed a very backward city, but it is very, very moderate and tolerable.

A few important notes about living in Michigan (That is, if you're imbecile enough to move here):

Never visit the western half of the LP of you're Christian.
If you walk into Ontanogan without a gun, you're gonna die (They're so drunk, they can't tell the difference between males and females).
Detroit and Flint, despite how cold they are, are very safe cities and great places to take the kids.
The Detroit Red Wings lose every hockey game, so everyone pusheps them aside to boast about the Lions' 15 Super Bowl wins.
If you hate sports, you're gonna have a bad time.
Michiganders always root for the Ohio State Buckeyes in college sports.

That's it! Remember, stay away from Mochigan. It's awful.

Comments

Not muchigan to enjoy about Michigan. Still bigger than Ireland doe - Puga (9/5/2015)

I was going to post a blog called "A Tour of Minnesota" but you beat me to it! Great job Turkey! - visitor (9/5/2015)

Keep in mind this is SARCASTIC! All the information above is not true at all in real life, and if anything, it's the polar opposite. This is what Michigan is actually like:
Saginaw is a rather large city. It's run-down, but not nearly as much as Detroit and Flint. Detroit and Flint are still run-down, but are slowly makig a comeback.
Muskegon is like a miniature version of Flint or Detroit, especially the Heights.
Holland still keeps many of its Dutch roots.
Grand Rapids is a large city that is succeeding. They have an area called "medical mile", which is stuffed with hospitals and research labs.
Ontanogan is just a VERY small town. VERY small.
Grand Haven is the real Coast Guard city, not Muskegon.
Traverse City is a thriving city.
We don't have flying mosquitoes. Though they would be better than the mosquiotes we have in abundance, we still don't have them. YET.
Lake Superior is always cold, but not frozen unless it's winter.
The other four lakes are smaller and warmer, though Ontario doesn't touch us.
Most Michiganders don't root for Ohio State and aren'r always drunk.
The Red Wings are actually pretty good, while the Lions have never been in a Super Bowl. - Turkeyasylum (9/5/2015)

Hey, if you don't like these parts of the US, go south. - PositronWildhawk (9/6/2015)

Good idea! - visitor (9/6/2015)

I actually enjoy living in Michigan. - Turkeyasylum (9/6/2015)

And again, that was sarcasm. - PositronWildhawk (9/8/2015)

I live in Michigan! - Danguy10 (9/6/2015)

I hear Detroit is nice this time of year. - bobbythebrony (9/8/2015)

Det roit. Sorry, pun haters. - PositronWildhawk (9/11/2015)

Some of my old class used to make fun of Michigan accents... I'll admit, I may have joined in once or twice, but then it got old. - visitor (9/23/2015)

I bet there were abaut a hunnerd of um making fun of Michigan ahccents. They all gaht phone calls from their mahms. - Turkeyasylum (9/24/2015)