A Sarcastic Overview of Fashion


OMG, what are you wearing to that party tonight?!?! Is that a replica of what Taylor Swift had on in McDonald’s on the 300th anniversary of Sir Isaac Newton’s last hot tub party?!?! I care about it so much! And did your IQ improve after you were beaten up by those arrogant jerks who think they know better than Vogue do? No, just wondering. Who the hell are you, by the way?

I’m fascinated by fashion as much as I am by boilers. As I started writing this blog, I was wearing freshly zig-zag painted jeans and was considering getting plastic surgery to look like Ariana Grande. My dog’s face hair is being dyed green as you read this, my grandmother has a swear word shaved into the back of her hair, and there’s an awesome dude just outside who’s coming out of his pink chrome-tinted Yugo wearing a dildo-shaped onesie. I just had to stop what I was doing, to bask in my fascination of everyone’s unique sense of fashion. I’ll just have to copy what everyone else is wearing and doing, just because I do.

Advertising is a large part of our community, and their logic knows no bounds. What better reason to buy a certain brand of eraser if it’s made of Kim Kardashian’s skin? You have to buy a hat, undoubtedly, because one features in the “Happy” song video! With this entire craze for what tacky celebrities like doing, it’s probably worth buying everything from the “Judas” video too! Not just the replicas! The way everyone falls in line will mean we’ll all be wearing uniforms. They’ll think we’re some crazy pop star by some weirdos with IQs similar to the order of a temperature tensor. It’s fantastic, and it’s fascinating to read in to what these people who are famous just because they are will take with them to Pizza Hut this Tuesday. I won’t do anything unique with my life, because these people are running a beloved autocratic culture! No wonder people love North Korea, for its wonderful, and may I say very fashionable civilisation. With this kind of politics, why is Pyongyang not a world fashion centre?

Fashion, then, contributes a lot to human society. Our governments gaining unbiased propaganda for being fashion centres, allows American tourist mugs to buy British mugs with flags on them for 80 quid.* People who support this action are very cultivated. Like a zombie, a creature with a primitive but thoroughly processed brain, they follow the crowd, they look only in the mindset that only a fool who deserves eating would question, and need only continue the same ritual for ever and ever, to enslave those who do not comply. It seems that the zombie is a misjudged creature, and all this time it was a cultural icon, so stop playing those offensive games with plants and zombies, and help the undead make the world better. Makes you think.

With our world of fashion, people are becoming more and more alike, and this shall lead to agreement on everything, and perhaps world peace, which is easier than spending time developing a referendum. It’s crucial for survival that we are identically crazy, so next time I see a random chump, or even a celebrity, having sex with a goose, or grinding sandpaper into their testes; I might as well comply with their ideologies. For the greater good, brothers and sisters, the greater good.

*Which, in their world, is only 2 bucks, I promise.


America's Next Top Models in a nutshell - visitor

First to read it.

You should do JB. We all know you hate him - visitor

He's on my to-do list. Not the same to-do list as that chick at 2 o' clock. - PositronWildhawk

I made it for him. - visitor

I've never cared about what I looked like to any extent. Not even through my dreaded growth spurt years. I've always just woke up and decided "well, this is what I'm going to look like today." It's never been a problem and it's probably the reason I've never stood out in a crowd either fashion-wise (I say fashion-wise because I'm really damn tall, so I'm not completely incognito). - visitor

I don't understand this… - BlueTopazIceVanilla