Dumb and Hilarious Scenes from the Movie The VelocipastorWell, I just did a list about an atrocious low budget movie that I saw not too long ago. Thought I would add another.
The Velocipastor is the story of Father Doug Jones, a priest who travels to China to get over the loss of his parents, only to obtain a magical power which enables him to transform into a dinosaur. After he saves Carol the prostitute's life in his dinosaur state, the two work together to help him use this power for good. He eventually takes down a syndicate of ninjas threatening to wreak havoc on the world with their supply of exceptionally addictive cocaine.
This movie was made in 2018 on a budget of $35,000. And yet, it's astounding that it's not in the Oscars.
The Top Ten
The final confrontation ends when Wie Chan shoots Doug with an arrow containing an antidote to his dinosaur power. As he approaches Doug, he asks if he has any last words, to which Doug replies, "only six: I think my hand is immune". He then rips off Wie Chan's head with his dinosaur hands. We then see Doug lifting a blood-stained mannequin head and roaring like a dinosaur. The screen freezes and is annotated with the Gandhi quote: "Only through the elimination of violence, will we finally be able to achieve world peace."
After Carol gets hurt, Doug takes out his anger on the ninjas.
This is given a very long build-up, where Doug slowly says, "I believe in a higher power, but no amount of prayer will save... YOUR LIVES!"
While we're waiting for those final two words, they are all just standing there, and one ninja casually checks his watch. But as soon as the wait is over, we see a man in a dinosaur suit charging at the ninjas, knocking each one of them over in a fashion that would put any toddler's choreography to shame.
A flashback occurs which has nothing to do with the plot, other than it made the old and cynical Father Stewart the man he is today.
When Father Stewart was younger, and served in the armed forces, there comes a scene where the girl he was fighting for spontaneously appears in front of him.
She runs to him, and is only a few feet away from him when she steps on a landmine. Rather than exploding, she bursts like a water balloon, splattering blood all over Father Stewart, who is now stood there, completely red except for where his glasses were.
At the beginning of the film, Doug's parents die in a car fire right in front of him. We don't see this happening though, we only see an empty street with the words "VFX: Car On Fire" in the foreground.
After Doug and Carol spent the night together, the following morning a posse of ninjas burst into the bedroom through an open window.
The two simply leap out of bed and beat the ninjas up. When done, Doug recalls that there were ninjas following him the previous night.
One ninja, now dying on the floor, tells them he has no idea who they're dealing with, and conveniently tells them where the hideout is before he dies.
As Doug is walking home, a trio of ninjas, the lead ninja somehow having an Australian accent, identifies Doug as the man they are after and prepare to attack him.
One of the other ninjas has a sudden flashback to his training, remembering that confronting a dinosaur man was exactly how it was foretold that he would die.
And sure enough, Doug transforms and kills them all.
A Chinese villager, running from the ninjas with the source of the dinosaur power, is shot in the back with an arrow. She then rolls down the hill and lands right in front of Doug, now with the arrow protruding from her chest rather than her back.
Doug immediately runs to her, saying, "Are you hurt?", when there is very clearly an arrow in her chest.
After Doug reveals to Father Stewart that he has this bizarre power on his hands, Stewart takes him to an exorcist to rid him of it. The enchantment which ensues only backfires and causes Doug's hands to morph into dinosaur claws (literally just a pair of gloves), and kill the exorcist.
Doug wakes up one morning, having had "a strange dream" in which he felt nothing but hunger and malice. He then notices the hooker at the end of his bed, saying that "last night was amazing". Doug, ashamed, tells her that he's a priest and this couldn't happen again, but as the conversation continues it appears that she is talking about him having transformed into a dinosaur and decapitated the armed robber threatening to kill her.
The gangster Frankie Mermaid goes into a confessional booth and shamelessly admits to having orchestrated a series of murders, including the car fire which killed Doug's parents. Doug bursts through the wall and slices Frankie's throat with his dinosaur claws, leaving him screaming and bleeding all over the booth.