Top Ten Most Embarrassing Characters in the Marvel Universe

DanielMingi

The Top Ten

1 Bird-Brain
2 3-D Man

Okay, I’ve read 3-D Man’s entry at least a dozen times, and I’m still not clear on what, exactly, his deal is. Whomever invented 3-D Man clearly had no idea either. 3-D Man was clearly invented by a guy who blew off his new comic character deadline to go see one of those newfangled three-dee movies. You know, the kind where you have to wear the crazy glasses? It was so lifelike when that guy threw a punch and it was like all in your face! Whoa, can you imagine what a superhero who could do that would be like? Amazing!
Unfortunately, the next day our moviegoing artist had sobered up and realized that every single superhero and supervillain ever created already tentatively existed in three dimensions, but by that time he had already drawn a guy in Christmas colors with a triangle on his chest and had to do something with him. So 3-D Man’s powers? He’s three times stronger and faster than a normal man! Whom I’m guessing would be 1-D Man.
3-D Man’s origin story kept ...more - DanielMingi

3 Snowbird

My criteria for choosing the most humiliating Marvel characters started by picking the people with the worst costumes. By that criteria alone I would have blown right past Snowbird, whose getup is ridiculous but not any moreso than your typical X-Man. I did try to fill the ridiculousness quota by picking a picture of her where she’s making a funny face, though. No, what made me stop on Snowbird’s entry was her name. The term “snowbird” as used by Floridians refers to old people who live here for half the year and drive really, really slow and awkwardly.
Snowbird didn’t make the list because of her name, though; she made the list because of her super power. She can assume the form of any animal native to the Canadian Arctic. This ultra-specific power description strikes me as the same kind of schlock as “a surfboard, but in space “. This time, though, our intrepid comic book writer was told to fill some Canadian super-hero quota. “I don’t care what powers you give ...more - DanielMingi

4 Leap-Frog

True story: I was going to include the exceedingly humiliating Frog-Man in this list, but then I found someone even worse: the guy who wants to be Frog-Man. Here’s a guy whose claim to fame is jumping really high.
At least, that was my initial thought. Further research reveals I had it backwards: Leap-Frog came first and then Leap-Frog’s son decided to be Frog-Man. The point is this: you can’t dress up like a frog and then beat up Daredevil and/or Spider-Man. This is combat, not a Most Ridiculous Costume contest. Even if it were a Most Ridiculous Costume contest, the likes of Daredevil and Spider-Man are still probably primed to beat the guy in the frog suit.
I simply cannot imagine how jumping high is at all helpful for a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t get you into the bank vault. It doesn’t get you any credit card numbers. Neither Leap-Frog nor Frog-Man even have a long sticky tongue! How can you call yourself a frog man if you don’t bother giving yourself a ...more - DanielMingi

5 Hawkeye

I do indeed have both the Marvel and DC encyclopedias, and I do in fact plan to do a DC version of this post at some point in the future. (I flipped a coin to see which I would do first.) When I get around to that post, rest assured Green Arrow is going to be on it, because try as I might I simply cannot fathom how a universe where people can throw fireballs, lift buildings and rearrange reality could possibly consider a guy with a bow and arrows as being on equal footing.
Now, Robin Hood was a badass. That thing where he shoots an arrow into a tree and then shoots a second arrow which splits the first down the middle? Totally boss. Let’s keep in mind though that Robin Hood existed (well, not really, but you know) during the Middle Ages when the longbow was the pinnacle of military technology. We’ve kind of moved on since then. I tend to think the Punisher is a pretty lame superhero since his only power is “has lots of guns”, but let’s give the guy his due: he dresses in ...more - DanielMingi

6 Flag-Smasher

You have to be careful when you start defining your super villains by the heroes they fight, because if you’re not paying attention you end up with ideas like Flag-Smasher. This completely uninspired Captain America villain was obviously the result of someone deciding, hey, Captain America is basically just a walking American flag. What’s a natural counter to an American flag? Why, a flag smasher of course! Durr!

Why not Flag- Burner? I mean, sure, that way you just end up with an un-creative villain with a gas tank and a flamethrower strapped on his back, but you’d still have a better product than Flag-Smasher. For one thing, you can’t smash a flag. Flags are typically made of cloth; apply as much pressure as you like, but you’re just going to end up with a well-creased flag at worst. For another, you’d have a villain your readership is already rallied against. What does every American citizen hate? The idea of someone burning his flag. A comic book about Captain ...more - DanielMingi

7 Silver Surfer

The first question I posed myself when I decided to make this list was: should I stick to the lameass obscure characters nobody has ever heard of? Or are popular characters fair game too? I decided they were because, heck, if not I couldn’t rant about how excruciatingly lame Silver Surfer is.
First of all, Surfer doesn’t have any genitals. Sometimes he’s drawn wearing a silver speedo, and sometimes he’s just smooth like a Ken doll, but in either case it’s completely obvious that the dude simply isn’t packing. I don’t want to hear “well, he’s an alien” either because alien though he may be he is very clearly modeled after a human. He’s got facial features, muscles, appendiges… but no bit and tackle. The encyclopedia has an entire blurb dedicated to Surfer’s timultuous love life. Gee, I can’t for the life of me imagine why none of those relationships worked out for him.
Secondly, he rides a surfboard through space. This is not a logical or even useful ...more - DanielMingi

8 Rocket Racer

I went back and forth over whether or not to include Rocket Racer on this list. On one hand, he rides a rocket skateboard which is controlled with a walkman. On the other hand, he rides a rocket skateboard which is controlled with a walkman.
See, I really have no problem with rocket skateboards. I wholeheartedly believe rocket skateboarding should be an Olympic sport, and I’m certain that the YouTube in the Marvel universe is full of videos of dumbass teenagers cracking their nuts open in freak rocket skateboarding accidents. However, I am not convinced owning a rocket skateboard qualifies you to be a second-rate criminal, let alone a supervillain capable of taking on Spider-Man. Let’s face facts here: Spider-Man’s arch nemesis is the Green Goblin, who is basically just Rocket Racer with a flying skateboard and a sack full of magic bombs.
Apparently Rocket Racer had the same idea I did, since after being clobbered enough times he decided to hang up the skateboard and go to ...more - DanielMingi

9 Awesome Android
10 Mandarin

The Contenders

11 Taserface

What was your second choice, Scrotumhat? - SpectralOwl

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