Funniest Quotes/Lines of Dialogue from 'History of the World, Part I'

Metal_Treasure
'History of the World, Part I' is a comedy film of 1981 directed by Mel Brooks.
It is set in the Stone Age, the Roman Empire, the Spanish Inquisition, and the French Revolution.
By the way, there's no Part II.
I sometimes think this comedy is much funnier than some more praised comedies.
These quotes are even funnier in the context of the corresponding scenes.

The Top Ten

1 Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... [drops one of the three tablets] ... Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey! Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... [drops one of the three tablets] ... Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
2 Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic
3 Roman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave that strikes a Roman citizen? Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your a**! Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative.
4 Comicus: The Christians are so poor... that they only have one God.
5 Dole Office Clerk: I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.
6 Unemployment Office Clerk (to a Roman Empire gladiator): This is your last week of unemployment insurance, either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status.

This is a great parody of modern unemployment laws (though laws vary from country to country) - to be eligible for some unemployment benefits a person must try to find a job, or at least to convince the clerk that tried. The modern version of that dialogue would be:
Clerk : Did you work last week?
Unemployed : No.
Clerk : Did you try to find a job last week?
Unemployed : Yeah.
Clerk : Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you find a job next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it? - Metal_Treasure

This is the entire dialogue:

Dole Office Clerk : Occupation?
Gladiator : Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk : Did you kill last week?
Gladiator : No.
Dole Office Clerk : Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator : Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk : Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it? - Metal_Treasure

7 Jacques last request before his execution: Novocaine. Executioner: There's no such thing known to medical science! Jacques: I'll wait!
8 Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men! You go northward! You go southward! I'm gonna walk around here in a circle...
9 Comicus: Jesus! / Jesus: Yes? Comicus: Jesus! / Jesus: Yes?
10 Comicus: We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.

The Contenders

11 Unemployment Office clerk to the stand-up philosopher: Did you try to bull**** last week?
12 Marcus Vindictus to Empress Nympho: What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant. Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.
13 I'm Miriam, I'm a vestal virgin. Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that.
14 Comicus: [I'm a] Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.

This is part of another great dialogue at the Unemployment Office.
Dole Office Clerk : Occupation?
Comicus : Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk : What?
Comicus : Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk : Oh, a *bull***** artist!
Comicus : Hmmm...
Dole Office Clerk : Did you bull**** last week?
Comicus : No.
Dole Office Clerk : Did you try to bull**** last week?
Comicus : Yes! - Metal_Treasure

15 King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
16 Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
17 (sign on a building): Mdme. DE FARGE'S Inn. Serving the scum of Paris for over 300 years
18 Comicus: The Roman Senate is the best legislature that money can buy - corruption starts in the streets
19 Comicus: Everybody in Rome is either in a steam room or a vomitarium. Half of Rome is either cooking or puking.
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Top Remixes

1. Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... [drops one of the three tablets] ... Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
2. Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic
3. Roman Officer: Do you know the penalty for a slave that strikes a Roman citizen? Man in crowd: They shove a living snake up your a**! Roman Officer: Ah, no... but that's very creative.
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