The (Assumed) Past Life of CityGuru

PositronWildhawk
The tale of terror begins with a disturbance in the force. Legend has it that a young padawan, whose wisdom exceeded even that of his fellow infants, his master, and the majority of the Jedi before him, was first to sense that a new deity, a new life, a new power was rising. Only he could predict that such a power would lead to untold tragedy, to coax those close to us along a path to the dark side, to tear our freedom and knowledge from us all, and strand us in a fallen world, in love with despair, in love with ignorance. For years this force was shut down by the empires of good, and frozen in time for a time beyond most individuals' comprehension, until it was released back into the world, where all was prosperous before it. After taking out the evolutionary descendant of its pet, it ventured on, striven for reform, for revenge, for control over the frontier, the immortals he hath slain many times, the creator before him, to be above all that mattered. And it took the form of a newborn soul, a being nowhere near this intelligent mind's civilisation, but one he knew was a threat to it all.

This boy was wise to the way the universe and the force are held together, from the layers of fluid in the fires in the night sky to the undulating transitions in the long assumed indivisible pieces of the elements. At the age of precisely the natural logarithm of his IQ, he put forward the design for a perpetual motion device in outer space, which not only disproved a universal law of physics, it was an exploitation of his power. His ability to transcend science like this could enable him to create free energy from a heat-dead system, and this free energy could be used for good or for evil. He would use it to resurrect his gecko after it was found in the wiring of his prototype magnetic confinement fusion reactor, but also to brutally slaughter the animal rights activists and square dancers who had since filed complaints. Who could question his power if he was able to hear all who dared, see all of their thoughts and vanquish anyone in his wake?

Despite his lust and greed for power and control, he was sidetracked by the world of sport. He took a wrestling name: "The Death Crawler", and inevitably used his thermodynamic violation to defeat his rivals, to distract and bribe to refs, to create fresh urine samples from air, to spontaneously make all the heavyweights collapse from lung disintegration, to be the only and thus the best there is. With the corrupt government funding and sport-oriented propaganda, fans were beginning to turn away from their actual lives, to worship the world of sport and thus to worship him. His motto was, follow me if you like sport, any sport. And soon this method would spread to everything, from the NFL to the NBA, and the entire worldwide sport industry would be centered on the Death Crawler. With the propaganda it receives, the world was doomed.

In his teen years, he became a member of TheTopTens, and took the persona of a chortling gorilla. He made several lists on the line of popular people on the site, hoping to gain the trust of them all. He took the original ideas and made them less independent and more suited to his totalitarian policies. He aimed to make the ideal Pope, based on his pride, avarice and bloodthirst. He would hypnotise his enemies with full-contact cat grooming and campsite mass murder related haikus, and these were hidden in every seemingly pointless list and post. I have seen through his lies, through his hidden evil, and I wish I could save the internet from paranoia and conspiracy. Unfortunately this is not in my control. Nothing is when you are stuck to the laws of physics.

How do I know this is him? I was that young padawan. I was frolicking in my small town under the influence of the good in the universe, until I saw this man's birth, saw the darkness in his heart, and foresaw shed of innocent blood, a violent revolution, the loss of all qualities which we hold dear, and the end of the world. No disturbance in the force has been this disturbing, and with the extinction of the Jedi upon us, we must recruit now to uncover this perpetual motion method, not only for the advancement of science but for the sake of our souls. Oh, crap, I've questioned the almighty CityGuru. I'm dead.

Comments

Aside from the obvious Star Wars reference, there are five other hidden science fiction references in the first paragraph. Can you spot them? - PositronWildhawk

I kinda think sentence #4 is a LotR reference (specifically, something either Gandalf or Elrond said in the first book), but that's not really sci-fi. - PetSounds

Not what I had in mind, but I suppose so. - PositronWildhawk

Oh god. This is hilarious - CityGuru

Amazeballs - bobbythebrony

Red Dwarf - CityGuru

That's one. Referring to the "evolutionary descendant of his pet." 4 left to detect. - PositronWildhawk

What does any of that have to do with CityGuru? That was very strange and allot of it I did not understand. - visitor

Wow! - visitor

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