Top Ten Best Lawyer Jokes

Lawyers, well everybody knows who they are and how they behave.

The Top Ten

1 "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

I think I'll use this one as an insult. It's genius. Only he'd have to be in court.

2 "How can I ever thank you? " gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question. "

3 "You are a cheat! " shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar! " bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case. "

4 A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep? " asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question? "

I love this! Funny and oh so true...

5 How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

I imagine that one would be Britgirl

6 At night court,a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said,"State your name, occupation, and the charge.The defendant said,"I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician,charged with battery.The judge winced and said,"Bailiff! Put this man in dry cell"

7 Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident? "Witness: "Approximately milepost 499. "Attorney: "And where is milepost 499? "Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500. "

8 Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence? "Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left. "

9 Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car? "Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't. "

This is the ONLY one that made me laugh.

10 A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere. "

The Contenders

11 A man was walking through a cemetery when he found this one grave stone which read. "Here lies a lawyer and a good man." "Wow!" He said to himself. "I never knew they could bury 2 people in the same grave!"

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