WonkeyDude98's Formal Rage: 7 Years

WonkeyDude98
Hello everyone, WonkeyDude98 here. And....I did not think I'd end up doing this. I remember back in January first listening to this song and I loved it. After seeing the reviews of TheDoubleAgent, MalaCritico, and Mr. 96, it became mediocre. After some of the users turned their backs on it, I found it mediocre. The Todd In The Shadows review was the final push for this song, and now....well....

The charts have been pretty stagnated lately. It seems like the worst parts of summer Billboard have come early, and we don't have a single summer song. Almsot everything in the top 20 feels unfinished. Panda, Work, Work From Home, ME TOO (kill that song), For Free, Don't Mind, One Dance, Can't Stop The Feeling, even the songs I liked barely feel like songs. PILLOWTALK, Cheap Thrills, it goes on. Only three songs in the top 20 feel like actual songs. Ride (awesome), Don't Let Me Down (great), and our subject, 7 Years.

Okay, so for a little background, Lukas Graham is a band. The frontman is Lukas Graham Forchammer (pronounced FOR-kammer). They have two albums: Lukas Graham and Lukas Graham.

YOU NARCISSIST.

They've had some hits in the past, with their most notable being the absolutely disgusting Strip No More, where Forchammer is whining that his favorite stripper quit. The also have some other hits, including the self-explanatory Drunk In The Morning and the awkwardly sampling Mama Said. So, essentially, this band is complete and utter garbage. But what did their latest and biggest hit 7 Years prove? Well, with songs like Strip No More and Drunk In The Morning, you'd think this band would have no chance of topping their own awfulness, right?

THEY DID IT.


One might ask, how did this happen? Well, I'm going to break what I said and go section-by-section, starting with the intro. It opens up with a pretty decent piano whisper before subtly exploding into those gleamy keys, then that petulant brat Forchammer opens his mouth: "Once I was seven years old, my momma told me go get yourself some friends or you'll be lonely". Okay, I don't really have an issue with what place the line came from, but the line itself is weird. If you're seven, shouldn't you have friends already? Unless you're that one ugly kid who no one likes.

But all jokes aside, let's move on. "It was a big big world but we thought we were bigger, pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker" Alright, that's fine eno-- "By eleven smoking herb and drinking, burning liquor"

WHAT?! THAT IS BS!! COMPLETE. AND UTTER. BS.

I do not believe you would be getting high and drinking at age eleven. I'm TWELVE, and I've never TOUCHED a beer bottle. Unless that's how they do things in Denmark, in which case SCREW YOU DENMARK. "Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure" So...you're a smuggler then? You steal booze and pot from people without them knowing? Mmm....k.

"Once I was eleven years old, my daddy told me 'go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely'"

WHO IS THIS KID?!???!??!!!

By eleven, he's already smoking, drinking, and getting a wife. What is this, the 1500s?! I mean, yeah, I jave a crush on someone at age 12, but I don't plan on going in (*wink wink*) or even dating anytime soon! What, did you do slam dunks and get elected president at age 0? Ugh, MOVING ON.

This is the point of the song where the instrumentation (hands down the best part) starts to get some real kick, still maintaining the piano and keys, but gaining some drums and even some strings later on. But enough positivity. "I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure 'cause I know the smallest voices they can make it major" Okay, seriously. First you exaggerate your past, now you're just giving yourself an unprotected blowjob before you're legal. "I got my boys with me -- at least, those in favor. And if we don't meet before I leave, I hope I'll see you later!" Nothing to say.

"Once I was twenty years old, mah story got told, ah was writin' 'bout everything I saw before me" BS. You didn't have any success outside Denmark, and even the little success you had there was outmatched by more humble acts. And yes, you probably did write about everything you saw before you, and that's how Drunk In The Morning (age 11) and Strip No More (age 14) came to be, you moron. And also, is it just me is is his voice absolutely insufferable at this point? Surely it gets bette--

"LUKAS GRAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM"

KISS MY A**, EAT MY MIDPUBESCENT GENITALS, AND KILL YOURSELF.

Okay, that's harsh, but it's deserved, and you'll see why.

"I'm still learning about life, my woman brought children for me so I could sing them all my songs and I could tell them stories. Most of my boys are with me, some are still out seeking glory and some I had to leave behind: my brother, I'M STILL SORRY!" The line about his brother I can kinda get, but it's not like you never leave anyone you know behind to leave their own life while you live yours. And the line about your children: YOU HURTFUL EGOMANIAC. News flash: almost all adults at age 27 have kids at some point. And just so you can sing them songs and stories about your pot and liquor, and your wife who quit stripping by the time you were 14, at your third anniversary.

"Soon I'll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61 remember life and then your life becomes a better one, I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once, I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month" YES. THE ONE LINE IN THE SONG THAT STAYS ON-TOPIC. See, this song was supposed to be dedicated to Forchammer's late father, but within it they misfired and only mentioned him three times, with this being the only time they talk about his passing. The letter you wrote to a fan? Congrats, you made a fan feel slightly more than completely worthless.

"Soon I'll be 60 years old, my daddy got 61 remember life and then your life becomes a better one, I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once, I hope my children come and visit once or twice a month" YES. THE ONE LINE IN THE SONG THAT STAYS ON-TOPIC. See, this song was supposed to be dedicated to Forchammer's late father, but within it they misfired and only mentioned him three times, with this being the only time they talk about his passing. The letter you wrote to a fan? Congrats, you made a fan feel slightly more than completely worthless.

"SOON I'LL BE 60 YEARS OLD, WILL I THINK THE WORLD IS COLD OR WILL I HAVE A LOT OF CHILDREN WHO CAN BORE ME?!" Dude, your voice....this guy is a terrible singer, and at this point it's most apparent. And are you seriously wondering if you're gonna say "this world sucks" on your deathbed? Really?! Really?!

If there's one issue I have with this song as a whole, it's Forchammer's ego. He frames it like a meaningful song about life, but ends up exaggerating every little thing and it becomes a session of Lukas bending back and kissing his own a**. And the progression is way too fast. 7, then 11, then 20, then 30, then 60. Why...yeah despite the decent instrumentation, that only ends up highlighting just how awful everything else is, how the song uses its sound to mask its meaninglessness, and tries to make everyone shed a tear without actually emotionally connecting to them. In short, THIS IS GARBAGE.

Comments

Commenting this since the post is too stubborn to let me:

"I'm thinking a fat 0/5. This is WonkeyDude98, and wow it feels good to rant again." - WonkeyDude98

The singer has confirmed that he did drink at that age.
Good post - Martinglez

Like I suspected. SCREW YOU DENMARK - WonkeyDude98

This song is basically the birth child of what happened when My Immortal and Mad World didn't tug your existent heartstrings but rather the non-existent. - Swellow

And that's why it's a 0 for me. It masks how petty and egotistical it is with an alright beat. - WonkeyDude98

Yeah this has shrunk on me. We had to sing this for a school concert, so it was twice the overplay as well.

I do like their song Mama Said though. It's so stupid it's actually good. - ProPanda

I don't. It's probably the hundred billionth song to sample Hardknock Life. - WonkeyDude98

It's only the 2nd... I think - ProPanda

This is easily one of the most overplayed songs in recent memory. Why, it honestly could contend with Happy. - SwagFlicks

Even without the overplay, it's still a horrendous song. - WonkeyDude98

Why should a kid drink? BTDR explained this ffs. - Therandom

I think you meant "why shouldn't". I will answer both. For should, no reason.

For should not, the last thing you need while your body is still developing is something that will halt that mental growth. Yes, alcohol technically only disables your judgement, but still. And the way Forchammer goes out on it, even if it's just two lines, it seems like he's proud of himself for it. - WonkeyDude98

No, trust me, he said why should a kid drink - ProPanda

Your review is great. But you're TWELVE? I'm a year older than you, and I can't write as good as you do! You must be very advanced. Props to you, Wonkey Dude. - yaygiants16

Why thanks! - WonkeyDude98

"Son you are 11 years old now. You can't be out here f-ing with all these random bar hoes. You need to settle down and get a wife." - visitor

HAHAAHA - WonkeyDude98

LOL - Martinglez

This is my version:
Son you are 11 years old now. You can't be f**king with giant beer bottles and weed and hot chicks. You need to settle down and get a life. - AlphaQ

I made the awful mistake of listening to Strip No More today. I don't want to do so ever again. - Swellow

Not as bad as 7 Years. - WonkeyDude98

Or Sweatshirt. So WonkeyDude98 do hate 7 Years or Sweatshirt more? - AlphaQ

I need to correct myself on a few points I made, which is basically identical to TheDoubleAgent's correction, and it actually affects my opinion of the song.

Graham is actually not Lukas' middle name, it's the surname of his father, which would make 7 Years inarguably a tribute to his father because the whole band is. And this isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, because they've actually been HUGE in Denmark since they debuted.

So I'm increasing my score to a 1/5. - WonkeyDude98

Soon I'll Be 69 Years Old, I'll Have Sex With A Goat, Soon I'll be 420 Years Old, Shrek Came By, Soon I'll Be 666 Years Old, Satan Had A Baby, Soon I'll Be 7 Centuries Old, KSI Came By and Bought a Car, Soon I'll Be 1283838848858868688488884 Seconds Minutes Old, Hey Now Your an All- star, Soon I'll Be 6 Hours and 9 Minutes Old, I Let It Grow, Let it Grow, Soon I'll Be Soon ILL BE 9000 YEARS OLD!, Vegeta Came By And Gave Me A Power Level, SOON ILL BE INFINTE YEARS OLD, I CAN GET MLG, (NOTE: This Comment Is Just A Joke, Don't Take It Seriously) - VideoGamefan5

Lul - AlphaQ

Soon I'll be 69 year old, I'll have sex with a goat and shet in a boat.
Soon I'll be 100 years old my mom told me to get a life or else I'm screwed.
Soon I'll be 420 years old, I smoked weed, ate the weed by accident and NOW I'm TURNING GREEN!
Soon I'll be 666 years old, I turned evil and Luke Skywalker chopped my f****g head off.
Soon I'll be 1000 years old, I bought a boat and when I got into it it broke because I'm too fat.
Soon I'll be 9000 years old, Vegeta came by and blasted my head off. - AlphaQ

There are some...lines being crossed here. - WonkeyDude98

The song is so boring now, I felt like I've listened to it a billion times although I know I haven't. -1/5. Oh well, at least Fake Love was alright... - AlphaQ

Denmark lol - ProPanda

This post is just another pointless piece of crap made by yet another hater. Yes, I do realize the faults in this song, but I love it anyways. - TheRedstoneWiz

He made an entire post with legitimate reasons to critique the song, and you think this is a hate post? - DCfnaf

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