Alien Theories #1: Pencil

CityGuru Alien Zorg in for report #1: Calling Alien Overlord Horg
Do not read unless instructed telepathically by Horg or you will be incinerated

The first observation we made when undergoing the experiments was that people are weird. Amusingly, they tie themselves to their dogs and walk about. They hit their hands together to signify appreciation. And strangely, most of all, they remove boogers from their nose.
My particular assignment was to figure out the uses of the strange object Earthoids call "a pencil". It is a hexagonal elongated crystal with an aluminum bottom and a carbon based tip. It tastes horrible and it does not combine with ectoplasmic acid well. Our late researchers found it out the hard way.
To further explore the mystery, we deployed several surveillance saucers around the globe to observe the Earthoids in their natural habitat. We also took in a bearer of a orange pencil for experiments. The details of the operation are found below. The Earth language is yet to be translated, but we will place the approximate language of what we heard below.
Setting: Rural suburbs of town Earthoids call "Fargo".
Subject 2 is using Subject 1 as a beast of burden to carry a bag worn on the back. Subject 2 is cooing in a strange matter. Subject 1 is crying. Undoubtedly it is because of the cruel punishment inflicted on it.
Subject 2: Aren't you excited for your first day of kindergarten!
Subject 1: Won't go!
Subject 2: Oh, don't be nervous. It'll be scary at first, but after you make new frie...Bobby? Bobby? Where did that rascal get himself to now?

Subject 1 is then placed in electrostatic chamber. Bag is taken off back and found to contain pencils and rectangular extrasomatic information storage devices, as well as a box found to contain edible matter.
We were then able to release the few million others we abducted to take their pencils, but as it turns out, Earthoid bodies are not compatible with electrostatic chambers. We were forced to jettison them into space.

As we surveilled the street, Subject 1 began to shake. A salt water compound was released from her eyes. She sat down on the street. Soon, a red vehicle drove up. Many more came. A man sitting on a bench reading a folded paper information device was taken away in strange metal rings. Then, we flew off.

Soon, we were able to surveil the humans to find what they were used for. We took great care to ensure that we were not detected by humans.

Subject 3: Setting: Fargo

Subject 3 is sitting on wooden platform moving rod with hairs in oscillating fashion, occasionally dipping rod into pigment jar. Suddenly, he stands up. A complete audio message (without translation) can be found below.

Subject 3: Wow! An UFO! My buddies are never going to believe this!
Tosses pencil aside into platform. Runs into domicile and brings out black cube. Presses button, flash and sound observed.

Subject 4: Setting, London

Subject 4 is peering throughout domicile. Opens rectangular prism. Prism is emitting color radiation. Says word in angry tone and begins to look through series of wooden boxes placed high up. Eyes glaze over. Finding nothing, begins to look under sleeping place. Finds wrappers bearing Earthoid word Snickers on them. Licks them with tongue until they are dissolved. Then, puts wrapper in mouth and swallows. Rubs stomach and runs back to cardboard boxes. Says "A ha!" then picks up pencil. Crazed look in eyes. Puts pencil onto oral cavity and begins moving jaw up and down. Distinct cracking noise observed. Swallows, then
returns to house. Resumes search.

Subject 5: Setting, Washington DC
Congregation of younglings observed. Alpha male is trying to teach them, but ringing sound is heard. While the male is talking, younglings stand up and run out passage to room. Ringing sound observed again. After ringing is done, Subject 5 runs into room. Puts bag on ground. Male drones on. Eventually, Subject 5 takes pencil, puts in middle of pelvis so it sticks out. Makes grunting noises and causes pencil to vibrate. Eyes roll back, tongue lolls out, and moan ensues. Younglings begin to use high pitched oscillating repeating he-he sound. Alpha male raises voice and sound stops.

After review, we have concluded that the pencil is used as a weapon. (See: pencil is mightier than sword). Keep for future reference.

P.S. How about that promotion?
Sincerely,
Zorg Zorgborg, Chief Pencil Executive of Planet Epsilon

Comments

This is a-maz-ING! What a great way to spend 15 minutes! :D - Britgirl

Wow really clever - bobbythebrony