Top Ten List of Things I Don't Care About

Oliver Jr. just got a B+ on his math exam? He does get his ability to crunch numbers from his father. Smart cookie, indeed.

Real barn burner of a story there Karen.

I really did enjoy all 127 photos of your trip to Colorado. You posted it on Facebook? Can't wait to bring it up next time I see you and have a long conversation about a weird gas station you went to.

I am just picturing the sheer bliss you must get as you slowly bob your head to the music with a soft smile, eyebrows raised, looking me dead in the eyes while saying "it's good, right? ".

Staring at the air like I've never heard music before, I give pregnant pause as if still listening. Then a stiff, surprised frown creeps across my face and I utter - "it's pretty good".

But I lied.

Why yes, I do enjoy coming over and listening to that weird voice you do when speaking to your fur baby. What did you name it again? Doctor Beanfeet McSmelly is a great name for your dog, yes it is. I can't wait to tell the guys at work about your Instagram. We will have a great big laugh over your online adventures of being a dog-mom.

Would you look at that. Beanfeet is wearing a sweater in this one.

Wait a second, you got literally no sleep last night AND you have to be at work?! Holy crow. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that the carnage of Omaha Beach during D-Day pales in comparison to the horrors of your neighbor mowing his grass at 9:30 PM every Sunday night.

Flavorless and poorly marketed, the Chinese water chestnut is so disgusting that pests known for destroying crops won't even touch them. People insist on growing these abhorrent mud tulips anyway in the Pacific Rim countries, single-handedly mutilating the mouths of those unfortunate enough to come in contact with it.

New Hip Restaurant down the street is serving great food at a reasonable price? You said it! $25 is actually pretty cheap for almond encrusted bison sliders. I eat those all the time! Can't wait to read your "Survival Guide to Upcoming Event". Sounds like a real page turner. Hope it reads like the unbelievable blockbuster success of your last post "12 Bistros in Canada Worth Checking Out". I almost based my entire vacation to Vancouver around it!

Also: where do you get the cash to do all of this.

Boy, it's a hot one! If it gets any hotter I guess I'll have to strap a box fan to my chest! So, what do you do? Insurance adjuster, eh? Sounds like a white knuckle thrill ride of math and arbitration. What do I do? What don't I do! This week has sure been busy. I sell beaded jewelry on Etsy. Let me tell you about my website that you won't check out.

So, are you from around here? You're from Muncie, Indiana? That's fun. What a fun city for me to hear about. It is different from this city you are now living in. Please explain it to me in a short burst of time.

Well, nice meeting you. Hope I never see you again because you have a weird smell.

I didn't know paper towel tubes could be used this way. This makes me rethink my life as I know it. And the print out of your face plastered on a toilet? You are a genius of the highest caliber.

You're work with a single yellow balloon taped to some old shirts you wore for a month makes me want to go down to the Lourve and smash that Venus de Milo trash with a G.D. sledgehammer.