Literature as told by a Toptenner: The Great Gatsby

Nonpointed Obvious parody summary as follows:

Nick: YES! All my military service and hard life at college has finally paid off. I will now fulfill my dream...as a bond salesman!
*He rents a house, next to the extravagant Jay Gatsby's mansion*
Nick: That's a lot of parties. Eh, I need to focus on my new job first.
Nick: No screw it, NEW LIFE AT NEW YORK BOIS, IMMA VISIT MY COUSIN.
*He visits Daisy Fay Buchanan as well as her new husband, Tom, who Nick knew from college.
Tom: Long time no see dude.
Daisy: Wow, so you two know each other too?
Tom: Huh?
Nick: I'm her cousin.
Tom: Well, cripes.
Jordan: Hi, I'm Jordan Baker, why don't we go out on a date Nick, then it will be TWO couples! I also like to play golf!
Nick: Boring.
Tom: Hey have some respect for her man. She's like really lonely and stuff.
Jordan: Also Tom was previously married to this weirdo named Myrtle.
Tom: Why must you always embarass me?

*Nick goes to NYC*
Nick: SUMMER BREAK WOO
Tom: Nick I know you're fresh out of college and the military but act your age man.
Myrtle: Ye
Tom: You too Myrtle.
Tom: Anyways this is my privately owned hotel room.
Nick: That doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Tom: This is where I get laid by numerous women.
Nick: You sleep with a lot of women yet you're committed? Geez, you're a lot like Quagmire. And you thought I was weird.
Tom: Anyways, THIS is where we'll be having our SUMMER BREAK PARTAY!
Nick: Hey that's my line!
*at the party*
Myrtle: Daisy this, Daisy that, Daisy is a daisy among daisies.
Tom: What did I tell you about mentioning her name! *he hits Myrtle and breaks her nose*.
Nick: This party sucks, I'm gonna go home and see if that Gatsby guy has better ones.

*at Gatsby's*
Jordan: HAAAAAYYYY
Nick: Oh come on, you're here too?
Jay: Uh, hi I'm Gatsby, welcome to my crib.
Nick: Well now, you're interesting, always having these parties, yet you seem to never show up in person.
Jay: I'm showing up now because I recognize you Nick.
Nick: Huh?
Jay: You don't remember? We fought in the war together, same platoon, we even shared each other's sandwiches.
Nick: Look, I'm trying to stave off my PTSD from the damn war, don't give me memories. It's nice that we actually know each other, I just wanted to say hi and...
Jay: You know Daisy right?
Nick: She's my cousin, and do you know all of us around here.
Jordan: Actually it seems that Gatsby is still in love with her.
Nick: She's already married to Tom though.
Jordan: Yeah but all these parties that Gatsby throws are because he wants to attract her to them, possibly if or when she decides to get drunk or something.
Nick: You poor rich bastard.
Jay: I am a man of wealth and position. She deserves better than that womanizer. And you are gonna be the chauffeur.
Nick: Uh.
Jay: Thank you for accepting the position.
Nick: (these people are really gonna make me uncomfortable)

*Nick invites Daisy*
Daisy: So you live here?
Nick: Heavens no, I live across from here. Except you don't want to see my ugly new house.
Daisy: Then who does? I appreciate the tea by the way.
Nick: It's not mine, it's...
Jay: Uh...
Daisy: Oh my god, is that you Gatsby? It's you? How ya been?
Jay: Uh...
Nick: Hah, what being lovestruck does to this man's poor soul.
Daisy: You know what? Let's go to my house and talk, Gatsby!
Nick: Might not be a good idea.

*Buchanan's house*
Tom: Am I looking at what I think I'm looking at here?
Nick: Yep
Daisy: Ican'tbelieveyouarehereGatsbyIrememberyouohsoverymuchandI'mgladyou'reatmyhouseandeverythingand...
Tom: I cannot BELIEVE THIS!
Nick: Dude, you sleep with like a dozen women before you get married, next thing you know an affair from your own wife takes place and you're furious about it. Talk about karma.
Tom: Shut the hell up, Nick. We're going to the Plaza Hotel. ALL OF YOU!

*Plaza Hotel*
Tom: So in short, Gatsby is an alcoholic, a bootlegger, and does a whole lot of illegal activities.
Jay: You would say this all to her while I'm standing right here?
Tom: Dude, me and Daisy have a history you won't ever understand.
Jay: Uh...
Daisy: Okay I'll stay with you Tom.
Tom: Actually I'm gonna make a stupid decision and have you stay with Gatsby, for your own good.
Daisy: Wha?
Tom: I need to prove that despite all I've said about him, Gatsby cannot actually hurt you.

*Daisy drives Gatsby's car, which actually runs over and kills Myrtle*
George: The driver of the yellow car, HE MUST PERISH! He must be the one who is my wife's secret lover! My logic is insurmountable! If my name isn't GEORGE B. WILSON!!!
*He finds the yellow car at Gatsby's, and at the pool deck, he shoots Gatsby who falls into the pool, and then commits suicide*.
Nick: Oh what the heck.
*Nick makes a funeral for Gatsby, but barely anyone he cares about shows up, Nick then goes to Tom*
Nick: Hello.
Tom: Yeah about the car, I told George it was Gatsby's and I also gave the address. Don't remember if it was him who drove it and ended up running over Myrtle, but eh. Also George was a drunkard, doesn't even know he's alive, and everyone hates him anyways. At least he's dead too
Nick: Dude I actually hate you.
*Nick then decides to move out of the New York area*

The End.

Comments

Not a single mention of nonces? - TwilightKitsune

No some of these r expected 2 b just as boring as the books themselves - Nonpointed