Literature as told by a TopTenner: The Catcher in the Rye

Nonpointed Obvious parody summary as follows:

Holden: Hi, my name is Holden Caulfield. What are you looking at? Of course I have a weird name. Of course I'm an edgy teenager. But this is my crib. This is also my life story so far. I live in California, near the lovely place known as Hollywood, anyways, I am waiting for a man by the name of D.B. I don't know why he's named that and I think it's stupid too, but he's my brother, a World War II vet, an author, and for some dumb reason a screenwriter. Seriously, who gets paid to screenwrite in this day and age?

Holden: At Pencey Academy, I was expelled for being dumb and can't go back until after the Christmas holidays. But you know what? There's greatness in dumbness, and I'm not letting a stuck-up teacher tell me otherwise. Football season's in, but it's lame stuff. Who cares about sports in this day and age? Well, other than fencing. But I forgot my equipment, so I had to forfeit the match. Also I want to be home so that my devilish parents don't find out about my expulsion right away. Or something like that. I'm dumb and forget things sometimes. Hey, what's this?

Holden: Oh hi Mr. Spencer.
Mr. Spencer: Kid, I know I'm your teacher, but eh, I'll give you some advice. Blah blah blah learn some things listen to things, also do better.
Holden: (what the hell, offer me advice, don't be so rude).

Holden: So I went back to my dorm and found I missed the rest of the game. Big deal. Also my dorm neighbor is here.
Robert Ackley: Why are you here? Why is your name still Holden? Do you have parents?
Holden: I can tolerate you.
Ward Stratlater: Hey I'm going on a date, do my homework since I'm lazier than you are.
Holden: Cool, her name?
Ward: Jane Gallagher
Holden: What the heck dude, I used to date her.
Ward: Too bad so sad.
Robert: Hey Holden, let's go see a Cary Grant comedy sketch tonight. We can bring Mal Brossard with us.
Holden: Fine, you want a go at the pinball machine? Pretty sure this sketch we've seen.
Robert: Yeah.

*They do that and come home, Ward later comes in*
Holden: So here's your writing work
Ward: Uh, eh.
Holden: Dude, it's DEEP. It's about my brother Allie and an awesome baseball glove.
Ward: So?
Holden: So did you sleep with her?
Ward: Not bothering to answer that.
Holden: You...
*Holden punches Ward, and then Ward overpowers him*
Holden: You are a shrimpy p****
*Holden gets knocked unconscious with a bleeding nose, after waking up, he sees Robert*
Robert: Wow dude, you suck.
Holden: That's it, I'm outta here. ANGST!

Holden: So I spent some time away from those "phonies", sold a typewriter, and caught a train. Also I talked to the mother of a student named Ernest Morrow and told how we are both gonna be successful or something. I also talk with a cab driver about the famous Central Park, because I like birds. But he doesn't listen. Eventually, I reach a hotel, dance with three lovely women (SCORE) but they don't talk much. Eh, I visit a nightclub with the intention to bang the prostitute, but I chicken out. I want to just talk about my life, but she gets bored despite me paying for her. Unfortunately, her pimp daddy isn't happy.
Maurice: Give Sunneh moar munneh.
Holden: How about you go shove your cane and your ugly zoot suit down your own throat.
*Maurice takes money from Holden's wallet and punches Holden and leaves with the prostitute, Sunny*

Holden: Gah, felt like I was shot. I seriously want to imagine, like the dumb teenager I am, to shoot that guy, preferably with a semi-automatic. ANGST! I need to find Sally Hayes, an old flame, despite her being nothing but a big "phony". Also I will buy this record for Phoebe, my sister. Hey guess what, my angsty self has a sister.
Boy: If a body catch a body coming through the rye
Holden: Cool
Sally: Yeah I like this play
George: Hi, I'm a friend of Sally's
Holden: F-f-f-f-f-FRIEND? ANGST!
Sally: Stop, let's go ice skating.
Holden: Okay.
*at the rink*
Holden: SOCIETY SUCKS! ANGST!
Sally: Okay I can't handle this
Holden: NO! YOU MUST! WE NEED TO LIVE ALONE IN THE WILDERNESS! ANGST!
Sally: I think you could use a drink to calm your suspensefully sour mood. *she leaves*
Holden: ANGST ANGST ANGST! REEEE!

Holden: Gotta find Carl Luce
Carl: Hey
Holden: Found any sexual stuff?
Carl: What? Don't say that.
Holden: AAAAH CAN'T TAKE IT *he goes and gets drunk and tries to find friends, also calling Sally and losing his money along the way. He goes to Central Park but breaks the record he bought, eventually coming back home to see only Phoebe*
Holden: Hey are you okay?
Phoebe: You got yourself expelled didn't you. Dude, you have some major problems. Do you care at all?
Holden: I want...to raise some kids. I want to be the catcher in the rye, to give a book a title, to save children from losing innocence. But ANGST! I am nothing but a failure in my own life.
Phoebe: Oh mommy's home.
Holden: Crap! *sneaks out*
Holden: I gotta find Mr. Antolini.

Mr. Antolini: My god, you are looking awful these days. You might be leading yourself to ruin if you keep your ways like this. Here, I'll give you a place to sleep.
Holden: Okay
*Next day*
Holden: Uh, what are you doing?
Mr. Antolini: Patting your head.
Holden: Dude don't, I'm not gay. *leaves and goes to Grand Central Station*
Holden: ...
Holden: ...
Holden: ...
Holden: WHY DID I DO THIS? ANGST?!

Holden: I walked Fifth Avenue for a bit, then decided to go west and actually get a job as a gas station attendant. Just what I totally needed, urgh. My life has been nothing but a TOTAL FAILURE. ANGST. Also I need to see Phoebe again, since I might not see my family again. Also I'll put the forged note soon. What is this weird graffiti? I'm afraid kids these days will say f**k all the time. Eventually, I find Phoebe at the Metropolitan Museum at Art.
Phoebe: I'm going with you!

Holden: Huh?
Phoebe: I was looking forward to playing Benedict Arnold in my school play! Except who wants to do that? He's a traitor. Also I'm a girl and I shouldn't play boy parts! Mini-angst!
Holden: No I have to go alone
Phoebe: PLEASE!
Holden: Hmm, you know what, I'm not leaving after all. I'll take you to the Central Park Zoo
Phoebe: *at the zoo* BORING
Holden: Try the carousel. I'll buy you a ticket
Phoebe: Yay!
Holden: Oh wow, I made her happy. I made myself happy. No more angst for today.

Holden: Well that's my story. I saw my parents, and faked tuberculosis or something to use as an excuse for my expulsion. Also because I want to attend a different school. I miss my former classmates, and my angst, therefore I don't want to say anymore. And anyone reading this, please don't give your personal information to others, you will miss those who will share them. And don't use my story to murder famous musicians either.

The end

Comments

If you are still doing this series, then I was wondering if you could do The Scarlet Letter next. - visitor

It's done - Nonpointed