A Sarcastic Overview of My Life

December the 18th, 1996. A bloody awful day, wasn't it? Nothing more happened following that tedious tick on yet another miserable, woeful Wednesday that wasn't Christmas, than a thirty-year-old woman the size of a doughnut-diet walrus being fed some toast in a hospital in Hammersmith, which would eventually be depressingly demolished anyway. And there certainly wasn't anything as mortifying as a few pounds of alien matter living inside of her was hauled aside from her uterus, while her family were merely standing adjacent to her, forcefully telling her to provide the momentum. At eight minutes past 10pm, the creature was out. This smaller being was clearly extraterrestrial, and must've begun as a zygotic parasite.

But how do I know of this highly specific turn of events? I remember the celebratory cheering: "It's a boy!", which was the first sign of sexism in this inferior species. That's right, I was this runt of a Romulan, and having been involuntarily exposed to this menial civilisation, abundantly racked with old folk who can't use computers, the collapsing UK government that was also going into Labour, the terror of Toni Braxton at #1, my newfound being was coming into action, and it was already wild and primitive. I was to be an undercover ambassador of my kin, for the next century or so. Yay.

Year One of my cross-species diplomacy. The underevolved varmints in my vicinity presented me with their own barely charming "goo goo gaa gaa" mating calls, and jingling their keys above me, possibly in the hope that I would take them and open their tightly sealed pickle jar with them. This is clearly sophisticated, as was ever a superior mind without an easily invoked sense of humour? Was ever a superior mind non-responsive to the stimuli of the petty behaviours of its own neuroscience studies? I would not give these impudent beings the cold shoulder; they did not know who, or what, I was, or going to be. It was in the early days of my assignment that I began to contemplate over the attributes of the uniquely enlightened society surrounding me, and I had learned the ability to tolerate idiots, or so I thought.

Three years into my mission and I was back where I started, geographically, to see the most egregious deformity of the species emerge. What pained me most is knowing that this barely human organism was shot from the same barrel as I, and thus qualified as my brother. This would be a permanent weight on my reputation as an ambassador, and was to challenge my calm dramatically. If it was to be believed that I was a newfangled intellectual, it would have to believed that we were related. The weaning of this infant onto intellectual stimuli was demanding of my time, and was met with null results.

A book, despite its informative content, and despite my indications of such, passed as food. Of course, paper comes from trees, and trees are organic, so the idea of trees being nutritious is a fair and instinctive assumption to make, what, with the base pairs in his sample motivating construction of the next dam. He'd clearly have the engineering abilities as well, with the attention he had towards mathematics. Having preached upon the simplistic premise of dividing large numbers, he marveled over the result of 5. Yes, five is an interesting number, it being the first Wilson Prime, but his inspiring insight was that it looked nice. The first sign that something would appeal more to him than my academic focus of Physics; his excitement over boring details could put him behind the Lidl Counter! I was to enjoy my time with my sibling of convenience, to provide the feeble comedy to keep my cognitive clout from getting me punched.

It was promptly following this ordeal that I would analyse how the common people of this planet are educated. This was another undercover study, and it was the next most arduous. Beginning with the Personal Excrutiation of P.E., along with the eclectic athletics of the large individuals who, in their cultivated world would qualify as the alpha males; I was entered into a crude game of survival, detracting from my culture altogether. In the philosophical crisis of committing so much to kicking a ball past my nemeses, I raised the issue with the centre co-coordinator, so basically, the bloke with a c*** the size of his whistle. The objective, I quote direct, was to get the f****** ball in the f****** net. Questioning this notion resulted in no dignified counter-doctrine, and I retracted from my offense to this tyrant. I forget sometimes that I am in a philistine civilisation, where sport is a dynasty of its own. I may not subscribe to the beliefs that the Earth was slam-dunked into the centre of the universe, or that our traditional drive to run is necessary for one to obtain a state of enlightenment, but I admire this civilisation for imposing it on their youth, for making spiritual government spending a huge proportion of their resourcefulness, as these beings thrive as they differentiate from their prevailing prodigies. Their ape-like ancestors would indeed be overcome with pride.

As this investigation devolved from the confusing religion of athleticism every once in a while, I would consider the scholary orientation of the more mentally challenging areas of professionalism, at least from their pedestrian perspective. Already an avid researcher of physics and mathematics, passing off as a student reading physics would not be difficult, or so it would appear. Continuing into the more advanced years in my past, I recall remaining surrounded by underdeveloped monkeys whose practicality for the investigations of science were yet comparably subnormal. A frequent colleague of mine, an aspiring engineer, once successfully converted a circuit from series to parallel in his personal record time of twenty minutes, and celebrated by placing the entire circuit, and not just the thermal resistor, into a tub of boiling water. To experiment with the circuit's tendency to polarise the motion of water waves by electricity, this was clearly a mindful specimen, who differed from the crowd like an M&M from a Skittle; occasionally containing a nut. It was from here that I believed that I had a sufficient account of the truly refined education system of this culture, understanding now why they have accomplished what they have accomplished, and I could toast this ethnology by crying myself to sleep every night, with the profound and mind-intoxicating thoughts of where this civilisation could potentially end up.

In the time off work I took to procrastinate, I was intrigued to look into this society's own arts and entertainment. I explored their Earthbound internet and libraries, enhancing my passion for film, music and literature. I explored their science fiction and fantasies, and saw the widespread extraterrestrial stereotypes in this world. I think they made legitimate interpretations. Eventually, I will have to probe someone. And not to mention teleporting a sample of specimens to a laboratory 5000 lightyears away, especially since my race can't use quantum encryption or wormholes yet. As an interstellar ambassador, however, I would not criticise these writers for their creativity, I will simply refer to Paul as one of the most relatable comedies ever made. I'm sure most intergalactic authorities will have the same sense of humour regarding this planet as I do, and will compromise their land much more thoughtfully.

Their music, for the most part, was progressively cultivated. Again, setting their evolution in reverse to the graceful state of the primordial chimpanzees, as music changed over time, the transmissions to every home featured these repetitive computer-sung jingles which sounded more and more like choking, and whose poetic content became more and more similar to the thought-provoking ode to a prostate exam given by an anaconda who don't want none one midsummer morning. I admired these divas for their devolution-supportive pieces, however, I would turn to the electronic melodies from underground that would make me stand out from the mainstream crowd, to revert to being unique. With progressive house, downtempo and trance dubs reminding me of that noise the mothership makes, I knew I had found my taste.

Out of the blue, sixteen and a half years into my mission, I came across something else altogether: a page upon their Earthbound web known as TheTopTens.com. Here I could express my speculations over humanity anonymously, and began to connect with members of this species at last. It was here that I got to know a quirky, bright-lived British patriot, an intellectual equal with a liking for eastern animation, a teenage hippy who must've time traveled from 1969, a little internet freak with a head like a ginger root, the girl who drew that, and many more wackos who give me hope, that this program which I started in pessimism may give worthwhile results. This planet is worth our judgement, methinks.

Oh, crap, where's my bloody neuralyser?


Five doesn't sacrifice looks for being a good number! =) but here, we have definitive proof you are an alien, stick around, we could learn a thing or two from your interstellar perspective! Haha! - keycha1n

Haven't you picked up enough of that from the twenty-one months I've been here? - PositronWildhawk

Haven't you picked up that I'm a slow learner? I still don't know what that spin thing was that you tried to teach me... - keycha1n

To be honest, it was complicated. - PositronWildhawk

I guess you could say that I've 'rooted' for you. - visitor

You'll just lose your appeel. - PositronWildhawk

"A teenage hippy who must've time travelled from 1969"… wonder who that could be. - PetSounds

Welcome back to the future. - PositronWildhawk

I guess it's my density. - PetSounds

Average density for your height. - PositronWildhawk

No, I mean it was density that brought us both here. - PetSounds

How did I not get that reference? - PositronWildhawk

Well that was... Somethin... - letdot52

The fact that an advanced extraterrestrial being considers this eastern animation loving idiot as his intellectual equal is an honor. - Kiteretsunu

Aww, shucks! - PositronWildhawk

Wow... You just did that so great and so... sarcastically - JaysTop10List

Don't' forget Positron's other friends:
The dog that confirmed him part of the Illuminati.
That user who's also in the Illuminati.
And, the metal fan who likes to watch Big Brother.

Anyway, it was a great post. - Turkeyasylum

That user who's also in the Illuminati? You'll have to dramatically narrow that down. - PositronWildhawk

I'd also like to point out that I've been calling you Ziggy Stardust for some time now. Long before the alien rumours even began. I knew something wasn't right. - PetSounds

Freak out in a moonage daydream, oh yeah! - PositronWildhawk

"A teenage hippy who must've time traveled from 1969"

I guess I'm not the only one who time traveled from 20th century. - Delgia2k

This post was quite entertaining. - RockFashionista

So what religion are you - 2storm

Atheist. But one who does not like to cause religious arguments. - PositronWildhawk

Are you gonna do a Q&A? - visitor

I have done! - PositronWildhawk

Gotta love the ending. - CasinLetsGoBowling

The perfect plot for a Disney movie - TwilightKitsune

Well, I always wished I was a Disney Princess. - PositronWildhawk

I think I’d make a good Disney Princess. - AlphaQ