A Sarcastic Overview Of Sports Fanaticism

"I don't know. I've never smoked AstroTurf." - Tug McGraw, when asked whether he preferred grass or AstroTurf.

We live in a world of peace and interdependence. From the Russians giving the west free spy cameras to the Northern Africans exporting the adorable microscopic pets in the Ebola river, there's a lot going on to make our world diverse and exciting. The only noticeable changes that happen in the news are how many goals are scored per day, so why not make that the centrepiece of today's news? And of course, let's let millions of open-minded citizens take bets, because support of the general election is pointless, am I right?

Let's see what this sophisticated phenomenon has to offer, shall we? The equally completely incorrupt governments of every country in the world are spending a reasonable quarter of their GDP on sports material. They expect everyone to see it all, and damn right they should! What monumental moron, parliamentary or otherwise, would throw out cash pointlessly like that? Like taxes, debt and underpaying people who talk funny, everyone should be happy to put government intelligence to use. And maybe we can assume that the debt will pass, knowing that no country really cares. No questioning.

The typical supporter of this political circus is a very refined species. Studies have shown that the ancestors of today's supporters must have come down from the trees far in advance of others, specifically to land on their heads. As a philosopher myself, this must be linked to the people of today who are truly ahead of their time, with the confidence that they may bend the old and inferior laws of physics, ready for a viral YouTube audience. Truly, these guys have a lot to contribute to the world. This is why they don't spend their time writing books, knowing that we have billions already, and why they don't fund the hungry, letting them inevitably find new flavours in the soil. They need only shout for their political territories in the form of a flawless corporate fiasco. Isn't it amazing how easy life is?

A typical fanatic of this practice will continuously buy football cards, most likely until the age of ninety-seven. These thoughtful citizens bring us all to a social level in which avoiding the daily game is very righteously considered barbaric. Life's purpose, is of course, to sit on one's arse either at a TV or in a billion-Pound stadium and scream in desperate frustration at the random weirdos who do the same diversion-free thing every day. So why not spread this? Thanks to this, grown men can wear numbered shirts with someone else's name on it and be seen as a 6'0" ten-year-old and not an identity thief. Everyone's lives are built around the outcome of the game, as much as we can have sex at night so the sperm is asleep and won't impregnate anyone. We shove this down every throat in our vicinity but nobody minds, because everyone understands that we should all conform to the intelligence of this propaganda.

That game was awesome last night wasn't it? Sorry to go off topic for a moment, but I can assume that you don't give a damn. A much more interesting thing to talk about is just the same old thing, am I right? That guy kicked a ball, that hot girl in tennis lost to the gorgon, that other guy kicked a ball, and now we hear that the first guy's just bought a house in Barcelona. Fascinating! Hold on, hot air heads, and I'll put down my various notes on the many applications of dark energy and quintessence to our model of the universe, and we'll go see the same thing happen in the same place! We'll do the same thing too, we'll roar every time someone kicks something, we'll fill our throats with pizza and beer, and we'll objectify anyone who is disinterested in this incredibly important practice. I admire these fellows, those whose IQs are similar to their blood alcohol percentage.

Where would we be without sports fans, then? Our world wouldn't be the same at all, it would be more boringly productive and charitable, and we wouldn't have the meaningful and mature screaming serenade which is comparable to Justin Bieber's meaningful and mature music. This government funded fanaticism is a crucial part in the lives of us all. In a similar ideology, I shall scream in frustration every time someone runs to a mailbox or a house, and cheer every time someone posts a letter or unlocks their door, knowing that it is a social complement to the spectators and to them. Why don't we watch random people do that every day?

Comments