How to Properly Jihad for Dummies (Satire)

Warning: This blog post is purely satire. Viewer discretion is advised (This is the terrorist point of view)

This book is on sale at eSlam for 20 Million Jihads. Buy it now or we'll cut your head off like those stinkin' journalists asking us retarded questions about the length of our beard & penis

Hello and welcome to the holy book of How to Jihad as spoken by the true words of Allah and written by our dear prophet Muhammad. This book convey peaceful messages like blowing up buildings and shoot people that don't agree with our believes and this book reflects the meanings of the true words of our cul- I mean religion of peace of Islam and it's Un-(Holy) guidance book of the Qur'an. This book is intended for young Islamists fighting for our dear cult and fairy tale character Muhammad & Allah and this book is not intended for filthy infidels like YOU and slutty women that don't cover their head till' feet (This book is written in Guantanamo Bay)

Jihad is no easy thing to do. Jihad is very expensive to do but that expense will pay you off once you're in heaven with the prize of 72 virgins and this book is child-friendly and appropriate for everyone except infidels. If you disagree with our ways then you're a Islamophobe and racist and the upcoming of Hitler. So once again, jihad is not easy and very expensive to do but there is a efficient way to perform Jihad through this holy book! We promise you that your hard work will be pay off by Allah with 72 virgins

These are the requirements to perform proper jihad against filthy infidels from US and Israel:

-Turban: Good to attract the ladies
-Beard: You need to blend in with the Satanic mind controlling garden gnomes that these infidels for some reason place them outside their houses
-AK-47: Important for jihad. You need to kill filthy communist infidels
-Stinger: Also important. You need to shoot down the infidel's devil witch-craft flying contraption and DRONES! I hate drones! They spill my camel milk and blow up mh Camelmobile!
-Amazon Drone: Good to record the battlefield for the upcoming battle scene of Saving Jihadi Obama movie in 2016. Can't wait for the movie
-Aviation Skillz: You obviously need to learn the infidels contraption flying thingy to shoot down their own flying contraption and to crash into buildings. It's just jihad, American infidels
-Qur'an: You need to keep it so that God can guide you to victory. If you're feeling wanna poop then the Qur'an is there for you!
-Good Knowledge About Western Politics: To destroy the enemy is to destroy them inside. Left-wingers are easy to win the hearts from, they'll tell the public that our tradition is peaceful and allow us to have the rights to bomb buildings and convert weak minded kids to true Islam.
A Small Loan of a Million Dollars: Sometimes, western pigs also finance us so that we could overthrow stable regimes in Middle East. We don't know what kind of drugs they're smoking
Suicide Vest: While suicide is not okay according to the Qur'an but it's okay if you do it to blow up infidels

Now let's get right into informative and fun part of this book...

Step 1: Go to Europe
-Thanks to left-wingers, we Jihadist can go to Europe through our raft with ease!
Step 2: Become a goodie goodie immigrant
-You need to do this if you want to win the trust of the weak minded left-wingers
Step 3: Get weapons
-This is the hard part. You need weapons to properly pull out jihad but you need to find and join a fanatical Muslim community
Step 4: Join ISIS
-As you swear in to ISIS that means you can do jihad with their backing
Step 5: Pull out a grand plan
-With your weapons ready, you need a plan to pull out sucessful jihad but that's for later because we have a converting to do
Step 6: Find European women
-In Europe, there are many women dressing in slutty clothes and don't have real mens like us so they're an easy target
Step 7: Approach them
-Self explanatory
Step 8: R.A.P.E
-The important step for converting them
Step 9: Demand them to convert to true Islam
-Demand them to convert to Islam but if they refuse then you need to shoot her and put a drawing of Muhammad to make the incident as a misunderstanding between our community and them
Step 10: Wait for the left-wing media
-Have the media potray it as a result of lack of understanding of our culture and lack of diversity

The Grand Plan (This is where the fun begins):
Now this is where the Grand Plan starts

Step 1: Hijack plane
-This is quite hard but it'll suceed if you pray in Allah. Preferably, get a plane from an airport
Step 2: Fly plane
-You need to learn aviation to control this witch-craft flying contraption and use it against infidels
Step 3: Fly into destination
-Don't end up like in Final Destination where the plane suddenly blows up before you reach to your god damn destination
Step 4: Put your seatbelt on and wear your kamikaze pilot helmet
-Duh. You need it before you're gonna die, have you learn it during aviation and kamikaze school?
Step 5: Pray
-You need it to make sure you're gonna go to heaven
Step 6: Crash to building
-Preferably knock two buildings like a bowling game
Step 7: Go to heaven and receive 72 virgins
Step 8: Go to hell
-Your work has definetely pay off for your dreams of 72 virgins, eh? Enjoy hell with your buddy the devil


My hardwork has definitely pay off with 72 virgins also buy it on eSlam for 200£! - RedAce66

This is actually pretty funny... - DieGedankenSindFrei