1 "Essentially, student debt is like HPV. If you go to college, you're almost certainly going to get it, and if you do, it will follow you for the rest of your life."
2 "A girl whose had sex is NOT like a dirty shoe. A girl whose had sex is like... a shoe with laces. Completely f-ing normal."
On sex education (Kristen Shaal-aka Mabel from Gravity Falls in this LWT episode-I must say, it's weird to see Mabel swearing! ) - keycha1n
3 "Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective when they're there."
4 "One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns."
5 "The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can't have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, 'Wow, this is ethically wrong.'"
On the death penalty. - keycha1n
6 "If you're thinking, But hold on John, what if I'm an a-hole who couldn't give a s*** about America's hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this."
7 "Sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime."
8 "Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It's nobody's favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to s*** real quick."
9 "So Ukraine is inserting itself in matters that have nothing to do with it. They're taking the 'Kanye West' approach to international trade disputes."
On Ukraine's involvement in tobacco trade between it and Australia. Or lack thereof. The Tobacco bit is one of their funniest in my opinion. - keycha1n
10 "A hundred and thirteen is a LOT of tests! It's approaching the amount that you'd ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell."
11 "If you want to keep spouting this bulls***, that's fine, but don't call your show Dr. Oz. Call it Check his S*** Out with some Guy Named Mehmet."