A Sarcastic Overview Of McDonald's

I am starved. I missed breakfast this morning, and am relieved to finally get some lunch. First place that I see has those distinct mucus-coloured arches that invite in hungry passers-by. Inspired!

I walk in and am subject to the smell. The pleasant aroma and sound of a set of intestines being squeezed. And the appropriate level of gas to play gently with anyone’s mind. It’s bliss. Like a psychological therapy, designed to pull everyone into a deep sleep, where you don’t feel the urge to control your thoughts. I walk past a possible medical student, with antibacterial masks and such, to prove that the smartest and most highly qualified of people come here regularly. She recommends that I use an antibacterial mask as well. My pleasure. It must be a tradition in this restaurant.

I go up to the girl with the distinctive pharmacist-postgirl uniform and ask for a Big Mac. Despite myself being tall and needing a jacket my size in the early March London weather, I am able to compromise with something made from a similar fabric. Only moist enough on the inside to put me in mind of a monsoon. And apparently edible. Maybe it’s not just a used one that’s inside-out. Oh, and don’t forget those fries. With enough salt upon them to feed the hungry. So I could never finish!

I take a bite of this thing, waiting the flavour to kick in. Waiting… waiting… waiting… and while I wait, I open my “Learn to Speak Elvish” book, and with the first bite still churning across my taste buds, I confidently ask the pointy-eared waitress carrying a bow to help the dwarves take back their kingdom. She says no, in such a way that suggests that I’m insane. Funny. And as I swallow some fluid that was packed into the fabric, I think I see the guy on the adjacent table appear to morph into another elf. This stuff is magic!

The flavour is here! Ever wondered what it’s like to funnel water through an elephant’s toilet through a carbon nanotube into your throat? Well, this is how it feels. The sudden explosion of taste unlike any other food, which is a whole new experience to your taste buds in full. Normally it’s the food which melts in your mouth, but it’s now your mouth that melts around the food. And having had this experience, the epiphany that this is what food HAS to be like for the less fortunate, I know I cannot eat any more, and so, doing the right thing, I save the rest to make the world fairer. My life-savings in cash were well spent here this day.

After this, I wave the squawky-voiced child petrifier at the door goodbye, before I feel an experience in my stomach unlike anything else. My gut is telling me what I must do now. Get this magical stuff to those who deserve it. I boldly find the nearest public lavatory, before acting out a remake of the entire Pirates of the Caribbean franchise underneath the toilet seat. When I’ve had these hours of adventure with many giant krakens and pieces of what I ate, without even leaving the cubicle, I see an exact replica of what I was served for lunch today, in exponential quantities. This magical package of matter must be distributed to the world, and so I flush, in the hope that its gets to the world around me. But considering its density, once I do this, a black hole appears at the base of the toilet bowl. I just manage to get away before my buttocks can cross the event horizon.

But as I leave, I know that my work isn’t done. My gut is at it again, pounding against my body for relief of what my digestive system combined with gut feeling had set out to do. Knowing that my intestines were lost to the Caribbean Pirates, I have to take different measures in order to get this substance out to the world. I feel it accumulating within me, and so, I pay a surgeon good money to get it out. As soon as he cuts me open, an explosion of this amazing matter blows a hole through the wall of the hospital, and he sees a projectile for every person on Earth fly away, before being collected by people in the distinctive uniforms, ready to restart the cycle, and hopefully, to feed every head within their vicinity.

And I thank this wonderful firm for playing their part in a sophisticated solution to the basic economic problem; scarcity of resources. I am convinced that they could not do a better job in providing astonishingly unique food internationally, in order to make living in this world much more pleasant. And the next thing I will do is save lives by programming every vehicle in the world to self-destruct before they hit people, knowing that the righteousness in both of our roles is clear.

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