Ranked!: Episode 8- The Top 25 Hits Of April 2017

ProPanda
So uh yeah. It's gonna be June tommorow. And I'm gonna rank the biggest hits of April. Except it's technically March since Billboard is 2-3 weeks ahead of the rest of the world. But uh yeah, 2017 for the charts is kinda HECKIN AWESOME!!!! Seriosuly, there's so much variety, movement, and best of all, QUALITY on the charts! There's so much I like, and we seem to be balancing out 2016's awfulness. In fact, there's probably only one song on this list of 25 that I genuinely despise. And here it is:

25. Issues by Julia Michaels
0/5

This...

So, you may not have known this, but Julia Michaels is actually on of the most successful artists in the music industry right now. She's penned many hits for the likes of Selena Gomez, Hailee Steinfield, etc. In addition to contributing to multiple top ten hits, she's also had a low key singing career. Similar to artists like Bebe Rexha and Jon Bellion, their biggest claim to fame before getting a hit singing was on an EDM track. Rexha was featured on a Cash Cash song, and Bellion was on a ZEDD song. While Michaels has worked with both of those artists in the past, her biggest claim to singing fame was being featured on a Kygo track, which was moderately successful and critically acclaimed. I like a majority of songs she's written so far, and I've liked all of her EDM collaborations thus far, so I was expecting a lot with this new song.

Er...
there's a reason this is at the bottom of the ranking. It sucks. The beat tries so hard to be minimalist, but it does not flow very well with her vocals which try so hard to be powerhouse like. She tries to make the verses sound sexy and seductive, but it comes more off as slutty and irritating. And they way she slurs random things is really annoying because it's clear she wants to be belting. Which makes the chorus even more insufferable, as it's holding in energy but releasing it in the most underwhelming way possible. I already mentioned the beat, but the minimalist thing isn't even my least favorite part about it. It's the bass. It's loud, random, and you hear it drop multiple times throughout the chorus. And, the songwriting isn't much better either. It's desperate, but in all the wrong ways. I mean, look at some of this:
"I'm jealous, I'm overzealous
When I'm down, I get real down
When I'm high, I don't come down
I get angry, baby, believe me"

Overrzealous? I get angry? Jeez, who are you?

"'Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems"

Yeah baby. Give me your issues. And I'll let you have some of mine...

Who talks like that? As a guy, telling someone to get rid of my own problems and dealing with someone else's is just infuriating. Seriously, screw this garbage, I hope it was just a fluke.

24. Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur
0.5/5

This song pisses me off. I don't even know why. It just does. I mean, there are worse WGWAG songs out there. Treat You Better and Thinking Out Loud are both examples of this. But neither of those songs infuriates me as much as this one (at least not anymore). With those songs, the production tried to go for something. They failed miserably, but there was an effort put in. This, on the other hand, is just the same simple guitar melody repeated over and over again. It's not even like there's any thing backing it up, it's literally that. At least Mendes takes the effort to incorporate energy in his material.

As for the lyrics... well, this guy is kind of a douche. Instead of trying to get the girl's feelings, he just bribes her with household chores. Lyrically, this song is structured:

"I saw you here. This is how I felt. I'll do this thing. I'll also do this thing. I'll also do this thing. Just say you won't let go. I'll love you forever". That's basically it. Think I'm joking? Look...

https://www.google.com/sea...me&ie=UTF-8

23. Body Like A Backroad by Sam Hunt
1/5

What I hate most about this song isn't the cheap instrumental. It isn't the offensive lyrics. It isn't the smug vocal perormance from Hunt. It isn't it's huge success. What I hate about this song is the sound. The way it's presented. It sounds so forced, and with no atmosphere to back it up. I genuinely feel tired after listening to it. Not even in a good way, it literally drains the energy out of me. And if most of your songs just make me tired and restless, then you shouldn't be a country singer. Or a singer in general.

22. Tunnel Vision by Kodak Black
1/5

Gotta be fully honest here, the music video is legendary. Kodak's choreography is basic, yet flows with the song perfectly. The scenery on the farmland is beautiful. The usage off KKK and the burning cross looks amazing. It does a perfect job of explaining racism in the United States. That being said, the song itself? Not that good.

I mean, the mumble-melody on the chorus actually sounds pretty good. It's nice to hum, easy to sing, and gets stuck in your head easily, which is sorta the point of a trap song. However, other than that, nothing works.The lyrics try to be political to disguise itself, but it just makes the song look desperate and cheap. Kodak, people aren't accusing you of rape because you're black, they're accusing you of rape because you raped someone! The production would have been decent, but it's just generic and un-creative at this point. It's pretty clear Kodak was desperate for a clean image, so he told his producers to put something together last second. Even the flutes, the best part of the beat, were done better in other songs (we'll get to that later). Overall, I've moved on from my days of "all trap is bad, go listen to real rap like J. Cole and Eminem", but to me, this song is pretty bad, and I doubt something will change that.

21. I Don't Wanna Live Forever by ZAYN
1/5

So, uh, this. Um... how do I say this? I'll try with this: ZAYN, you sound like cat repeatedly getting shanked. Quit making music for the better of all of us. If it weren't for Liam's atrocity of a debut, this would've easily been the worst of the 1D solo singles. The fact that it was released on the same day as Louis' far more superior EDM collab, but got more radio promo due to Swift's name as opposed to Aoki's, is just disgraceful. As for Taylor herself, there's not much to say. She's pretty much a non presence on here, sounding really bored. Overall, it sounds like a pop song trying to be tribal, and failing completely. It's beyond boring, and I hope we all just flush it down the irrelevancy lane, just like the movie it belongs to.

20. Shape Of You by Ed Sheeran
1.5/5

So Ed Sheeran's back huh? I'll admit, Divide had some great songs on it, but for the most part, it was not a good album. Most of the songs sounded the same, and instrumentals were generic, while the lyrics were corny. This song was among the worst on there. Of course it ended up debuting at #1. And staying there. For 12 weeks. While Castle On The Hill barely reached the top 10 and Galway Girl just flopped hard (for now at least, it could come back).

So why is Shape Of You putting me in a bad mood? Well, I'll bite, there's some things to like about this. Ed sounds perfectly fine, his singing style actually fits the production of the song. Also, the bridge sounds good, to say the least. However, it all ends there. The lyrics to this song are some of the most creepy and disturbing things I have encountered this year. For example:
"Say, boy, let's not talk too much
Grab on my waist and put that body on me"

And also...
"And last night you were in my room
And now my bedsheets smell like you
Every day discovering something brand new
I'm in love with your body"

The mmms that go in the background at the beginning certainly aren't helping either. Also, the production is so basic, it sounds like Sheeran produced it himself. A quick look at Wikipedia just informed me that is indeed what happened. However, what I hate most about this song is it's repetitiveness. It doesn't know when to end. It's the same tone, speed, and delivery throughout the whole thing, and gets annoying really fast. Biggest hit of the year so far people.

19. Bad And Boujee by Migos
1.5/5

2nd biggest hit of the year. Well, ok I kinda dig this. The production is dark, yet calm. I've always like the way the Migos members enunciate, and it sounds good here. The raindrop, droptop line isn't bad, and there are some clever memes to come out of it. However, this song has 1.5 points less than it deserves. And there's a reason for that:

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, my bitch she bad to the bone, ay
...
Saw your girl once now she choose me, yeah"

I'm gonna be honest: I don't hate lil Uzi. Kinda like the guy tbh, he's made solid EPs and has alot of good material. But he doesn't work well here. At all. This may honestly be the worst guest verse of the 2010s. And it brings the song down. XO Tour Llif3 is still cool too.

18. Closer by The Chainsmokers
1.5/5

So this is still here. It's not good. If I have to talk about it one more time, I may just go insane.

17. iSpy by KYLE
2/5

This one seems to be kinda popular. Er... I don't really like it. The production is fine, it's about time we had a more loose, relaxed rap song on the radio, and the song itself is the most adorable thing since Brocolli, but I can't get over the fact the Kyle is a douche...

Seriously, look at some of this:
"I spy with my little eye
A girlie I can get 'cause she don't get too many likes
A curly-headed cutie I can turn into my wife
Wait, that means forever, ever, hold up, never mind"

Obviously, Lil Yachty isn't helping either,
"She said she twenty-one, I might have to I.D. that
All my bitches come in pairs like balls in my nutsack"

All in all, this was wasted potential. Give this better lyrics, and get a better guest rapper, and this could have been top three material. But as of now, it's just mediocre.

16. Chained To The Rhythym by Katy Perry
2.5/5

I like this beat. I like these vocal effects. I do not like these lyrics.

This song is catchy as hell though. It seems to me that I'm the only one that doesn't hate this new style of Katy Perry. Just in case you were wondering:

CTTR: 2.5/5
BA: 4/5
Swish Swish: 3/5

I have no taste. Time to go to opinion jail!

15. Love On The Brain by Rihanna
3/5

This song is nice. The production is perfect. Literally. The guitars, the swell and buildup, the rhythm, everything is literally perfect. The lyrics, which are presumably about Chris Brown are actually alright, and Rihanna sounds perfect. It's kinda nice to see something like this on the charts, and even nicer to see it coming from Rihanna. Not to sure about those noises Rihanna is making in the background though... and those backing vocals... SCREW THOSE BACKING VOCALS!

14. Rockabye by Clean Bandit
3.5/5

I like the lyrics, I really do. They are nice, and it's nice to see a song like this one on the radio. Mothers do deserve alot of respect, and the whole rockabye baby thing is very nostalgic to singing nursery rhymes in preschool. I also really like the production. The classical instrumentation, over the electronica beat. There's so much texture to this, and it has the same captivating atmosphere Rather Be did. Anne Marie sounds really nice on this track too. Her voice has charisma and beauty, basically what Julia Michael wishes she had on Issues. However, why is Sean Paul here? His contributions to this song are pretty bad, and the bidi bang bang sounds really grating after a while. Still, nice to see they aren't one hit wonders anymore.

13. Mask Off by Future
4/5

Eh, this one's good. It has a really nice flute. I also like the rhythm and the flow is really good. Something about it really bothers me though and I have no idea what it is. Eh, besides Draco it's my favorite song on FUTURE. He's getting much better.

12. Cold by Maroon 5
4/5

An R&B Maroon 5 song that takes trap and vaporware influences and makes it pop radio friendly. This was literally meant for me. I'll be honest, I didn't really like this song at all the for the first month, but it's quite the grower. The production is really dark yet creates a calming atmosphere that allowed Adam to stand out. And man, he just kills it here. His falsetto is exactly how it should sound, and his tone shows the right amount of intensity, desperation, and confusion which conveys the message in the lyrics. The radio version is great, with the bridge sounding really dark. However, the real version instead possesses a Future verse. And it's not good. Which is a shame, cause I was starting to like the guy. Eh, whatever, I'll take it. Much better than Don't Wanna Know.

11. Congratulations by Post Malone
4/5

This was the best song on Stoney by a longshot. It was not a good album. Anyway, yeah, this is pretty good. Catchy hook, sorta alright message, excellent production, great Quavo verse. Good song, nothing more, nothing less.

10. That's What i Like by Bruno Mars
4.5/5

I'm so glad Bruno picked this to follow up the the mediocre 24k Magic because this is so much better, and easily the best track on their. And to be fair it's [the record] not bad - but in the range of 1-3/5 that laid all over that project this really stood out. And honestly that may be because it does exactly what Mars does best: making funk songs that sound cheesy af. I gotta admit, I smile whenever I hear this one. Just the tone, and sincerity of it all, it's just a nice song. The production isn't bad either with the thicker bass, trap snares and the synths over that catchy chorus, it's all nice. I'll take it! I'm glad this was as big as it was, and may even argue it deserved better.

9. Something Just Like This by Chainsmokers
4.5/5

Chris Martin sounds really good on this thing. The lower notes are abosultely killer and the doo doo doos are amazing. That mess of a drop actually grew on me, and the lyrics are earnest. And some of this:

"But she said, where'd you wanna go?
...
Somebody I can kiss"

See Charlie Puth? This is how you do cute superhero references right! And it tags along the great message of seeing someone for who they are, not what they look like. Despite that generic message, and The Chainsmokers credit, this sounds really original, and I really like it.

8. STAY by ZEDD
4.5/5

IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD.IloveZEDD

No but seriously, Alessia kills the vocals, and Zedd's production is great. Also, that prechorus is really nice. If the chorus wasn't as awkward as it was, this would've been in the top 5.

7. T Shirt by Migos
5/5

This is where it gets good. I've always liked the way they enunciate, and this is no exception. The lyrics actually have an interesting concept, taking their usual topics and presenting them differently. It has a nice atmosphere, combining good production with the catchy melodies. It's the type of thing Migos have been good at all year, and I'm glad it's big.

6. I Feel It Coming by The Weeknd
5/5

The Weeknd.
Daft Punk.
10x better than Starboy.
Pop Perfection.

5. Passionfruit by Drake
5/5

SCREW that intro. Other than that, it has a decent groove. I can get behind this. Not even the best on More Life though. Pretty awesome track though, I haven't enjoyed a Drake single this much since Hold On Were Going Home.

4. HUMBLE. by Kendrick Lamar
5/5

"MY LEFT STROKE JUST WENT VIRAL"

Best moment of music 2017.

Great production.
Great intro.
Great lyrics.
Great rapper.
Great song.

Seriously, how did I ever hate this?

3. Bounce Back by Big Sean
5/5

Best thing Sean has ever done, except for maybe that time he sampled Fall Out Boy. And yes, that's actually a thing. Check it out.

2. It Ain't Me by Kygo
5/5
I will say this: I did not expect to like this song as much as I did, despite being an apologist/fan for both of these people.

1. Paris by The Chainsmokers
5/5

I'll def. talk about this one more at the end of the year, but I'll just say this now: it's a lush, chill track, that's severely overhated on RYM.

Comments

A more comprehensive version of this list can be found on RYM. - ProPanda

When it comes to mainstream, it seems like our opinions are wayyy too different. But didn't 'I'm The One' debut at #1? How isn't that a hit?
And you're a Chainsmokers fanboi...
Just. Why?
(But you hopefully hate Closer, so I guess it's all fine, for now) - PhenomentalOne

I'm The One debuted at #1 in May. Besides, these were the 25 most successful songs in April, there were other hits as well.


Also, me considering a band to be a 6-7/10, doesn't make me a fanboy... - ProPanda

Okay... - PhenomentalOne

Am I the only one who thinks 2017 is worse than the last four years put together?

DIE TIER
25. Body Like A Barstool
24. OJ Simpson But It's Rape Instead of Murder

SCRUB TIER
23. HOWBADINEEDYA
22. Say You Won't Get Bored (or get Drinkin' Too Much flashbacks)
21. Paris and Ugly Parents
20. This Song Has Gotten So Much Older JUST GO AWAY ALREADY
19. My Bedsheets Smell Like Teen Spirit (ayyy that was actually clever)
18. Bad and Just Bad
17. I Don't Wanna Live
16. Turn It Up, It's Your Least Favorite Song
15. T-Shirt by Thomas Rhett Except A Lot Better And By Migos
14. Molly Percocet

BAD TIER
13. I Want You To Know That All You Have To Do Is Stay The Night
12. Bye
11. Nothing Just Like This
10. Selena Gomez can't sing. Also Kygo is Satan.

MEH TIER
9. Fruit

DECENT TIER
8. Be Humble, In A Brag Rap Song
7. Congratulations, I Have No Taste In Music!
6. I Feel Cold For Liking This
5. Last Night Took An L But Tonight I Took An L

GOOD TIER
4. That's Sorta What I Like
3. Love On The Mind
2. ispy with my tiny i

GREAT TIER
1. I Feel It Coming *lenny face*

TOTAL: 33/125. Absolutely HORRENDOUS. - WonkeyDude98

By the way, this score is roughly 28/100. 2016 was better. - WonkeyDude98

Move the whole BAD TIER except Stay into the SCRUB TIER. 30/125. 24%. Screw this. - WonkeyDude98

Oh yeah, I need a score. I'll just find the average out of 5, and then see what tier it resides in.


This list of 25 garnered an average of
3.26/5.


to be honest, I was expecting better with 7 5/5s and only 1 0/5, but hey, this is decent, I'll take it. - ProPanda

25. Body Like A Crack Toad
24. Tunnel Vision
23. Shape of Poo
22. Say You Won't Sing Again
21. Bad and Booker
20. OJ SIMPSON
19-6:...
5. Bounce Back
4. I Spy On People With Small Eyes
3. Love On the Bridge
2. I Feel It Coming
1. Tortoises Molly Tortoises

OVERALL: X_X/100 - AlphaQ

Redo, even if this is my best post to date
Awful
nothing
Bad
25. Say You Won't Let Go
24. Issues
23. Shape Of You
22. I Don't Wanna Live
21. Body Like A Backroad
20. Closer
Meh
19. Tunnel Vision
18. Bad And Boujee
17. iSpy
16. Wated Zom BEE!
Decent
15. Love On The Brain
14. Rockabye
Good
13. Mask Off
12. Something Just Like This
11. Stay
10. Cold
Great
9. Congratulations
8. I Feel It Coming
7. T-Shirt
6. HUMBLE.
5. Passionfruit
4. Bounce Back
3. Paris
2. It Ain't Me
1. That's What I Like - ProPanda

Hey this changed again haha


don't wanna spil my best list but expect surprises. - ProPanda

P