Top Ten Stig Introductions on Top Gear UK

The Stig is the "tamed race car driver" used on the BBC television show Top Gear. He is an anonymous driver used to both provide consistent lap times in various cars around the Top Gear track, and to coach celebrities around that same track in the show's "stars in a reasonably priced car" segment. There have been numerous drivers acting as The Stig throughout the show's broadcasts though generally 3 drivers have driven the bulk of the segments.
To maintain his anonymity, he is introduced with a variety of humorous anecdotes and descriptions often tied to a particular pop-culture item or current news story.
The Top Ten
1 If you hold him in the wrong way, he doesn't work properly

Same with most people.

2 As a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has seventeen children
3 He contains 47% horse
4 While we were off air, his iCloud was hacked and now everyone in the world has seen his helmet
5 He regrets buying his new holiday home in down-town Cairo
6 If you give him a really important job, he'll skive off and play croquet
7 There are fifteen different reasons why he is banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef
8 The drinks in his cabinet contain 14 different types of custard
9 His favourite T-shirt has a picture of a T-shirt

Haha! This is genuinely funny.

10 He recently issued a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel
The Contenders
11 He doesn't know what dogs are for
12 He sucks the moisture from ducks
13 He wears a helmet because somebody recently smashed his face with a model of Salisbury Cathedral
14 He is confused by stairs
15 He naturally faces magnetic north
16 He thinks Castrol GTX is coffee
17 His sweat can be used to polish precious metals
18 He has terrible plans involving the moon
19 He has to take his shoes off with an allen key
20 If he could be bothered, he could solve the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds
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