Stupidest Sentences in Allmusic Reviews

Martin_Canine
After I made the list about AllMusic's worst ratings, I figured that sometimes it is the review that upsets me more. Even though I still like AllMusic, especially because they give the same chance to each genre and don't often rate extremely negatively. But sometimes it's just weird, factually wrong or plain stupid what they write.

The Top Ten

1 "For example, the Top Ten lead single, "Augen Auf" [...] plays upon Sido's reputation as a bad influence upon the youth of Germany; most amusingly, the song features a choir of children on the singalong chorus." (Ich und meine Maske - Sido)

Simply put: No. This is a serious song about the neglect of children, which results in self-destructive behavior by them, like doing hard drugs. The chorus sung by children translates to: "Mommy, open your eyes / Get rid of my dangerous behavior / I want to be able to grow up / and not die at the age of 18 / Daddy, open your eyes / I'm not out of the house yet [meaning the child is not adult yet and responsible for themselves, but still living with their parents] / Even though all the difficulties / You have to show affection and love"
Very amusing, right? I wish when reviewing foreign language albums, they would hire someone to translate the lyrics first. Obviously they think half of Germany's biggest stars are all silly and funny. - Martin_Canine

2 "Jeanny is also of note, as it was ridiculously banned from radio play for its theme of prostitution. A classic, synth pop piece of 1980s guilty pleasure." (Falco 3 - Falco)

This is bull. The song "Jeanny" does not even mention prostitution. It is about the kidnapping and implied murder of a young woman by an obsessive psychopath, told from his point of view. Talk about guilty pleasure again. Also, it was not banned from radio, but a few radio stations refused to play it in its initial release. And actually I can see why.

PS: The video, which includes images of Falco in a straight jacket, while imagining Jeanny caressing him, while in an earlier scene carrying her lifeless body while re-enacting scenes from the classic 1931 movie "M", might hint at the nature of the song. - Martin_Canine

3 "To date, Rammstein haven't been able to equal the excitement and power of their breakthrough 1998 album, SEHNSUCHT." (Rosenrot - Rammstein)

Sure. Because obviously, not all of their album since topped the charts in both Germany and Austria, and obviously they are not generally considered the best band of their country (sarcasm off).
Okay, let's be serious. None of their albums had bad reviews and all of them were hugely successful in their home country and reached the number 1 spot. Next to Die Ärzte, they are the most acclaimed German language band in Germany and Austria. Only because AllMusic is bored by them, doesn't mean everyone else is. - Martin_Canine

4 "Dark Horse seethes with ugly misogyny, as Kroeger trots out a parade of dirty little ladies in pretty pink thongs, porn stars, strippers, and sluts, all of whom are desired and despised for showing too much skin." (Dark Horse - Nickelback)

Tell me one instance on this album where there is hatred towards women. - Martin_Canine

This is proof that Nickelback gets the most stupid hate they get called Mysogists when they aren't - christangrant

5 "[...] the sound is that of an artist who's given too much freedom too early and hasn't yet figured out what to do with it." (Stripped - Christina Aguilera)

It's never too early to give an artist creative freedom. In fact, that is what should happen all the time (I know it doesn't). Also, it's her best album, but the one with the most negative review. - Martin_Canine

6 "Yes, there are slight differences, chief of which is the cleaner production, which streamlines everything so the guitars don't seem as heavy, the songs not as epic, and the whole enterprise not as ridiculous." (Mutter - Rammstein)

Sure. Poetry of Shakespearian quality bout tragic child death, the lack of motherly love, the fears of angels, murder out of jealousy and running amok - to sum up a few topics of their first three album - is ridiculous. Also, they are without a doubt the band that speaks the most advanced German in the tradition of classic poetry of the 18th century. - Martin_Canine

For anybody still not convinced about the non-rodiculousness of Rammstein, I translated one of their songs from "Mutter":

SPIELUHR (Music box)

(Spoken poem)
“A little human dies. Only seemingly.
Wanted to be all alone.
The little heart stood still for hours.
So it was found dead.
It gets buried in the wet sand.
With a music box in its hand.”

The first snow covering the grave
Softly woke up the child
In a cold winter night
The little heart woke up
When the coldness moved into the child
It wound up the music box
A melody in the wind
And from the earth the child sings

CHORUS:
“Hoppe, hoppe, Reiter”*
And no angel comes down
“My heart doesn’t beat anymore”
Only the rain cries at the grave
“Hoppe, hoppe, Reiter”
A melody in the wind
“My heart does not beat anymore”
And from the earth the child sings

The cold moon in full grace
Hears the screams/cries in the ...more - Martin_Canine

7 "These guys, who produced all three Silbermond albums to date, are so integral to the band that they should be honorary members." (Nichts Passiert - Silbermond)

The overall review is fine and I can live with the 3.5 rating. This album was when they went commercial but still sounded rock-ish, and this is what the review is pointing out. But still: the band wrote and performed all of their songs themselves. The producers mixed and produced them, but that's about it. So, since when do we consider producers part of a band? Maybe in a hip hop group like NWA or DatAdam, because they are responsible for the entire beat work, but here we have three talented instrumentalists who do that, that are indeed part of the band Silbermond. - Martin_Canine

8 "While it is hard to argue with the ecology lesson behind "Circle of Life" [...] the true heart of the original soundtrack [...] was [...] Hans Zimmer's inspiring and majestic score" (The Lion King - Various Artists)

The score by Hans Zimmer sure is beautiful. But the heart and soul of the soundtrack are still the 5 songs "Circle of Life", "I Just Can't Wait to Be King", "Be Prepared", "Hakuna Matata" and "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". - Martin_Canine

9 "Like bigger brothers Rammstein, they offer nothing but bare essentials, but it works as long as the essentials are worth it." (Humanoid - Tokio Hotel)

No one in their right mind would compare emo band Tokio Hotel who focused authentically on what troubled teenagers were concerned about at that time to Industrial metal band Rammstein that use traditional poetry to discribe emotional horrors and raise philosophical questions, just because both are German. Also, both of them have more to offer than essentials. Tokio Hotel gave several German '00s teens a voice, and Rammstein are great for those who like to analyze a good piece of literature.

Also, Nirvana and Bob Dylan are the same because both of them are American (sarcasm off). - Martin_Canine

10 "[...] so he's shifting his band away from its antiquated post-grunge into a sound that is self-consciously fresher and mature." (No Fixed Address - Nickelback)

Because we all know, "Fly", "Believe it Or Not", "How You Remind Me" and "Where? " are much less mature than the song with Flo Rida (forgot the title). Really, as much as I like Nickelback, this album was a huge disappointment and AllMusic hails it as their best. - Martin_Canine

I like this list so much and share the opinion of the author about the problems with some reviews. I like this, too: "AllMusic hails it as their best." I wrote something similar on one of my lists about The Metal Grammy Metallica received for "St. Anger" - all metal fans know that this is one of the two worst albums by Metallica but the Grammys hailed the worst in metal as the best. - Metal_Treasure

The Contenders

11 "The Germany-based pop/rock band appeared on the scene shortly after Wir sind Helden's 2003 debut paved the way for German-language pop groups (especially those fronted by a woman)" (Es ist Juli - Juli)

While it is true that Wir sind Helden AND Juli started the whole thing, Juli were the one who had the big hit ("Perfekte Welle") that made the German language alternative/indie band thing cool in Germany. Also, they don't remotely sound as similar as AllMusic thinks they do. Juli is melancholic indie, bordering on alternative rock, Wir sind Helden is light hearted and humorous alternative pop. But then again, as we know from the Tokio Hotel/Rammstein sentence, AllMusic has problems distincting German bands. - Martin_Canine

12 "And, like with any post- Nirvana wallow in angst and torment, Nickelback doesn't vent specific problems; it's all a generic litany of the torture of relationships and the evil that dad did." (The Long Road - Nickelback)

Actually, this is pretty specific, and even more personal. I know this album is not a fan favorite, but it is way better than AllMusic makes it, and this sentence in particular bothers me.

It is my personal favorite by them next to "Curb" by the way. - Martin_Canine

13 "Even though Wishmaster is mainly targeted to radio and pop audiences, it does succeed somewhat." (Wishmaster - Nightwish)

So Nightwish is targeting radio and pop crowds, huh?
Well, I never had that thought before, but maybe I haven't listened to my favorite band closely enough. Well, let's hear what "Wishmaster" has to offer:
*bombastic and epically build up but nevertheless melodious and graceful power metal starts playing as Tarja Turunen raises her operatic voice: "Come wet a widow's eye / Cover the night with your love / Dry the rain from my beaten face / Drink the wine the red sweet taste of mine"*

Oh my, they are right! Sounds just like Ke$ha, how comes I didn't realize that before? - Martin_Canine

14 "It's only after the great "Report Card" [...] that the party drops off, which isn't just a testament to Soulja Boy Tell Em's unique skills [...]" (souljaboytellem.com - Soulja Boy Tell Em)

I'm not quite sure if the reviewer and I are thinking of the same album... I am talking about the one that has beats I could produce in a minute, songs named "Doink" and lines like "Get out of my face, you doo doo head dummy".

Look, I have nothing against Soulja Boy personally. I don't know him, maybe he is nice. Maybe he is not. I don't know. And I don't want to overhate, because I despise too much hate. The thing is there really is nothing really good about this album. And I listened to all of it. "Crank That", while lyrically rubbish, has a catchy beat, but other than that, no song has anything I could ever like. And that doesn't happen often. The lyrics are random nonsense most of the time, the beats sound cheap and repetitive, often he grunts into the mic, making it very hard to listen to. And I am not hating. If he made a new album with a few good tracks - they need not be masterpieces, just fun and easy going - I would give it a positive review. But so far, all I heard ...more - Martin_Canine

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List StatsUpdated 20 Aug 2017

14 listings
137 days old

Top Remixes

1. "Jeanny is also of note, as it was ridiculously banned from radio play for its theme of prostitution. A classic, synth pop piece of 1980s guilty pleasure." (Falco 3 - Falco)
2. "For example, the Top Ten lead single, "Augen Auf" [...] plays upon Sido's reputation as a bad influence upon the youth of Germany; most amusingly, the song features a choir of children on the singalong chorus." (Ich und meine Maske - Sido)
3. "To date, Rammstein haven't been able to equal the excitement and power of their breakthrough 1998 album, SEHNSUCHT." (Rosenrot - Rammstein)
Martin_Canine

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