1 Gravity did not exist until documented by Sir Isaac Newton, a difficult task as his chalk kept floating away.
2 During testing for a secret teleportation device in 1972, American forces accidentally cloned and teleported the entire continent of Europe to Jupiter. This clone is now known as Europa, the Jupiter's sixth closest moon.
3 For a brief 1000 year period, beginning in 500 AD and ending in 1500 AD, the sun became sentient and left our solar system in search of "bigger and better things". This time period was aptly named "The Dark Ages" for this reason.
The Sun striving for greater things. Maybe he wanted to be a singer. - Martinglez
4 Ronald Reagan, former president of the United States, was actually made up of two smaller men in a disguise.
WHAT?!?! I Thought this was true. - Ace_of_spades
5 Oprah Winfrey is a shared hallucination of the entire world and does not actually exist.
Always suspected this.
6 Left, the direction that we all know and love today, was not invented until 1883.
7 Time is a government cover-up. Clocks are a lie.
8 The color red exists in the nth dimension. It is our only connection to the world outside of our three dimensional shackles.
9 Because of light's extreme speed, if one were to tape a light bulb or candle to his or her forehead, he or she would gain superhuman speed.
10 There is a form of English known as "Negative English" which, when spoken aloud, cancels out regular English. Other inexplicably supernatural languages include "Half Russian" as well as "French"
Dis donc; ou est la bibliotheque?
Four years and that's all I've got.
But I learned I had only to run faster than the next slowest guy.
by the way: If this all is original stuff, you've got real comedic talent. Think you should pursue it.
? You need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming
11 The famous rings around Saturn were given to it during a failed marriage proposal by Uranus. Saturn never returned the rings because it is, as we all know, the second largest planet in our solar system but the first meanest.
Uranus: Will you marry me?
Saturn: No and go back to your owner’s butt
Saturn: I’ll keep the ring
Uranus: SCREW U SATUN - AlphaQ
12 Mosquitoes were invented by Barack Obama as a way to spread Communism, take away all of your civil liberties, and destroy the sanctity of marriage.
13 The 'i' in iPhone, iPod, iPad etc. stands for Iris, daughter of Thaumas and the personification of rainbows. This is because Steve Jobs was Greek and worshiped the rainbow goddess.
If Steve Jobs was a Greek god he would be the god of iPhones.
14 Martians actually live on Venus
Funny; thought they lived on Mars bars, and the occasional chicken tender.
15 Christopher Nolan's highly acclaimed Dark Knight trilogy was originally intended to be a political commentary on the trials and tribulations of a young peasant boy named Oli. Batman was later added in.
16 Rapper Snoop Dogg spent seventeen months living with a pack of wolves in order to remain in "the right head space" during the recording of his album, "Doggystyle"
17 The popular video game franchise, Pokemon, was created by Charles Darwin to teach children facts about the theory of evolution, like that evolution occurs when one creature senselessly beats enough others to near death.
18 The plot of the Terminator was loosely based off of a future in which Donald Trump becomes president.
19 Window Blinds were given their name due to the fact that they have a tendency to gouge out the eyes of home decorators and real estate agents. Curtains are a much wiser choice as they do not employ dirty tricks when fighting opponents.
20 The CGI monkeys from "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" had to be put down after repeatedly hacking into the Pentagon and threatening to launch the entirety of the United States' nuclear warheads at Costa Rica.
21 The Earth does not actually orbit the sun but a much smaller, peach sized object slightly to the right of the sun. It is named "Bork-114" and enjoys long walks on the beach and lazy afternoons spent with the ones that you love.
22 The Canadian province of Ontario is a mirage.
23 Contrary to popular belief, the national letter of France is U and not D
24 Water is the most controversial of elements, with 38% of scientists completely denying its existence - a movement known as antihydritism
25 "Hyperion" by Dan Simmons is the best selling book worldwide, outselling the Bible, the Ultra Bible, and even itself.
26 You are 12x more prone to spontaneous combustion on any given Tuesday than any other weekday.
27 The most flammable holiday is Easter. This is why everybody is required to wear a flame retardant suit and gas mask during the celebration.
Brace yourselves. Lock your doors and board your windows. Pray to whatever God will listen. Pray it does not find you. If you have a family, tell them how much you love them. Do not, under any circumstances, fail to complete the annual blood sacrifice. Easter is almost upon us. The flames are coming. - Matthewn1999
28 The famous "No, I am your father" line from Star Wars Episode V: The Emperor Strikes Back was not scripted. It was actually a real life admittance of James Earl Jones being the father of Mark Hamill.
Will genetic shenanigans never cease?
29 In the olden days, history class was a class about future predictions.
30 Rapper, Eminem, is made entirely of chocolate. Ironically, it is smarties chocolate.
31 Science is a sham. Don't ever trust a doctor, especially not one with a mustache.
32 A research study done in 2013 by the University of Járvàge-sur-D'œvrieux in France found out that autistic people have no emotions.
33 Jupiter is the biggest planet because it eats up other planets’ moons