Top Ten Ways to Know You Are a HipsterWe've all seen them. Hanging around outside bars, convenience stores, in alleys, in the shadows late at night... You hope they don't approach you and ask for change - or worse yet, if they can take a Polaroid picture of you. If you're lucky you can just cross the street to avoid them and whatever they congregate to do but sometimes you turn a corner and get ambushed. You can't escape. You're surrounded by the stench of body odor and cheap beer. You see tank tops in the winter and knit hats in the summer. Skinny jeans and Toms year round. That's when you realize that you know all the names of the people in this group. And they know yours.
Face it: You're a hipster.
Hipsters are unfortunately here to stay (at least until American Apparel tells them to be something else instead) and there really isn't much you can do about it. Your best defense against becoming one of their ranks is to realize where that line is and how to avoid toeing it. Below are the ways you can tell if you are a hipster.
The Top Ten
My dad likes very unpopular indie music and listens to it in the car all of the time
Ever really loved a song only to later decide it's mainstream crap - but only after your friend discovers it? Yup, if you like a band, a brand of clothes, a bike, whatever, only to immediately change your mind once someone else does, you're a hipster. Face it, someone else in the world shares your birthday too.
I like to use nachos hats and ride the ice cream truck to school so mainstream though
Oh, okay. I don't do that.
If you think that beer that has been crafted delicately by the hands of artists who adhere to the time-tested recipes of a hundred years ago is crap, but think PBR is "the only true beer for the working man" then you're a hipster. Cheep beer does not a revolutionary, anti-establishment puppet make. It just makes you pee and get bad breath.
My dad buys IPA’s, but I don’t know if they are cheap or not
This is plain ridiculous. It surprises me that more people who do this don't come down with hypothermia or heatstroke.
Tank tops in the winter with your Ray-Bans? Sure, that totally makes sense. That wool beanie pulled ever so slightly back on your head making you look like a Hasidic Pappa Smurf during a 90 degree day? Why not. As long as you own up to it being an intentional fashion statement and not some functional purpose, we'll judge you accordingly.
No, that shirt isn't "ironic", it's just ugly. You buying "vintage" clothing (usually brand new and made in the same factory as everything else but given the distressed look) doesn't mean you are fighting against the establishment. It means you are buying from American Apparel like every other of your group.
Nobody cares that you have a mustache - they've been around longer than you have. Same with your neck beard. You aren't fooling anyone. Join the dollar shave club and understand that facial hair is a fashion/grooming choice, not a civic sign of rebellion against the status quo.
My dad likes to grow his beard really long
Do you only buy previously worn clothes? Only have dishes you found in the dumpster behind an Italian eatery? Good for you for re-purposing items and not buying new - except for that brand new, sweat factory produced, Macbook/iPhone you're slinging. Make sure you show that off at the coffee house so everyone can see how you align with the "alternative lifestyle". Not that all Apple users are hipsters, but those who try to emulate paupers except for their electronics usually are.
There are a few reasons you can smell bad: You've just done something active of note (sports, climbed a mountain, run a race), you can't afford personal care items (homeless or destitute), or you just choose to "brand" yourself as Natural. In the latter case, you're a hipster. Nobody wants to smell your musk. If the salt-rock deodorant doesn't work, admit it and buy some Speedstick.
WOW. That picture of a shopping cart is so ironic. Do you sense my irony? You took a picture of an old refrigerator in the middle of the woods? Oh my goodness, that isn't the normal place for a fridge. So edgy. Face it, nobody cares what foods you are eating unless your niche is as a food blogger or fitness professional. Not everything is art just because you put it online and put a faux 70's era filter on it. Sometimes a rock is just a rock.
Unless you have to bike commute to work or you work as a bike messenger, it's just a bike. Yes I agree, it can be a great way to exercise, a cheap way to get around town, and just overall fun to ride. But face it, nobody cares about the brand of seat you chose or how many gears you have or the color of your spokes - except other hipsters.
The thing that makes me happy is that there are no hipsters here to fight you and that proves they're doing their job right
My parents always need coffee to get through their day
You live life so ironically that you ride your bike with no helmet, no hands, and no sense of traffic laws as you careen the wrong way down a one-way street. You forage for food in the woods or dumpster-dive to prove you are fearless about your health. You refuse to show excitement lest someone else higher on the hipster social pyramid laugh at you for caring about something.
Sometimes things can be fun and there's nothing wrong with showing excitement about life. Health is important. Paychecks are good and admitting you enjoy those tings isn't a crime.
I'm a little short-sighted and wanted a strong and practical pair of glasses. I guess I'm officially a hipster now.