The Holy Book of the Fried Pastries for Dummies

CityGuru In the beginning, all of the Universe sprung from the Great Fryer's work. All things were made in this way. The trees of the forest and the mountains of the desert were all made by this Divine Fryer. Some he fried until they were blackened and disgusting by accident. These unfortunate mishaps became black holes, the center of a burnt donut. The Holy Book of Fried Pastries gives the verse as this:

(Verse 1:1) In the Beginning, the Divind Fryer fried the Universe into existence, and all that was in it, often working overtime for no extra pay, until the entire Universe was created. And then, on the seven millionth and
sixth day, he rested. And he ate. And he ate. And he ate until he had devoured all that he had created, until the Universe was mere folds of fat on his belly. Humans were fashioned in his image, from his belly button lint in his ginormous navel. And that was how the Universe was created.

In this way was the Universe created. Man starved in mass numbers, whenever the Divine Fryer scratched his tummy a great disaster would overrun the humans.

(Verse 1:3475838338) And the Divine Fryer felt something itch on his tummy. So, he went to the doctor to have it checked out. The doctor said it was a mere infestation of humans that could be wiped out with a dose of Obesity. Thus were humans fed donuts.

The Divine Fryer decided to send down Prophets of the Donut Age to his belly to convert the humans to fat, overweight slobs, which would wipe out humanity once and for all.

(Verse 1:4847575327) And the Divine Fryer sent down his loyak Propher Bismarck, in order that the humans would convert to Pastrianism, and become his loyal followers

Bismarck was a good prophet. Alas, there was naught to make his donuts out of. Dissent soon flowed throughout the people at this prophet who they believed was false. And the rival Prophet Alfredo of the Cult of Spaghetti (a pagan religion) challenged him to a battle of the Gods, so that the people may see the True God.

(Book of Bismarck, Verse 3:452) And the False Prophet Alfredo challenged The Most Holy Prophet Bismarck to a challenge, in which they would have a panel of judges with a taste test to see which food was more delicious. Alfredo went first, and cooked up the most delicious spaghetti you could ever see, and fed it to the judges. He received a score of 29.5 out of 30! The crows murmured. Bismarck would need a perfect score to beat Alfredo! Luckily, at that very moment, The Divine Fryer burped, and all chaos reigned. The judges and Alfredo were smothered in quaking fat, and died. Thus was Bismarck regarded as the One True Prophet

Bismarck traveled throughout the land, doing miracles of wonder, some of which are regarded here

(Book of Bismarck, Verse 348:3728012237) And Bismarck arrived at the small idol worshipping village of Healthtown, who worshipped the vile demon Kale, who's very name shook Bismarck with terror. Yet he marched on to fulfill his quest. And it came that when he got to the town, many men cursed him, and threw stones at him until his cream oozed out. He walked until he got to a hotel, where miserable fat men sat, to hide from the painful life outside. Bismarck knew he could stay here.
The next morning, Bismarck walked to the town square, where hundreds of jogaholics were jogging. In the center of the square was a large fountain. With the snap of a finger, the water began to run glaze instead of water. This was the first miracle of Bismarck, and also the last, for he was eaten by the junk-food starved fat men when he went back to the hotel.

The fountain still stands today, and the town of Healthtown is now a town all Pastrians should take a pilgrimage to at least once in their life.

Many years passed, and the Divine Fryer decided to send down a second Prophet, the rugged redneck Long John, who would lead the oppressed obese men to victory over the skinnies! And Long John camd to Earth soon. He perforemd no miracles, but he did lead the small cult into the desert, where he received the Five Commandments on his cell phone.

(Book of Cruller, Verse 5:3) And soon the hardy out-of-shape gang made their way to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, where Long John left his followers and retreated to the mountain for a week of silence. When he got to the top, his cell-phone dinged. On his phone was a text message sent by The Divine Fryer. Long John pondered the implications of these words, then sighed and painstakingly etched them into rock, which took a long, long time. Finally, exhausted, he climbed back down the mountain and began to read the Five Commandments.
1: Thou shouldst weigh in excess
2: Thou shouldst not partake of healthy cuisine
3: Exercise should be exorcised from all daily activities
4: Ugly is the new beautiful
5: Thou shouldst quit thy job and follow me

After he had read the Commandments, the others nodded. They already lived life by those Commandments anyway.

The Prophet Long John led his band of slobs through the wide desert, amid groans from the men. They had heard him say "Friends, follow me to the dessert" instead of desert. Luckily, by the grace of the Divine Fryer, they had not lost an ounce, for the Divine Fryer bid food to fall from the sky and soda to gush forth from the rocks! As the Book of Eclairs so wisely puts it:

(Book of Eclairs, Verse 2:1)

The gang marched across the desert. They began to complain. "I want my X-Box, said one. "I wanna go HOME!" said another. Yet Long John, particuarly because the others were stuck in the middle of the desert with no food, decided to follow him.
And it came that in the third week of the third month of the third year, whence they had gone without food or water (their body fat being sufficient to sustain them), they began to feel the first pangs of hunger. Luckily, at the time, the Divine Fryer was eating lunch, and crumbs from his muffin fell to Earth. The men saw it and rejoiced. "Blessed be the food that falls from the Beard of the Divine Fryer!" they said.

Hence was the holiday Crumbakka created, in which followers of Pastrianism lick the crumbs that fall from Grandfather's white beard. The lucky one of the family gets to suck the moisture from his beard as well.

Eventually, the long sojourn in the dessert was done, and they decided to go home. The followers eventually split up to their mundane lives. Yet they never forgot their strange journey in the desert.

Thousands of years passed. People began to stray from the path set for them by the Divine Fryer! The Fryer knew it was time to send a Third Prophet, his cousin Churro, the Messyah. Churro groaned when he learned of the task ahead, but he steeled himself to the task.

(Book of Turnovers, Verse 1:1)

And it came in those days that a great falling star fell from the heavens! So wonderful and bright was it! Then, it crashed. A man groggily got up from the crater. He recited the words that would become known as the Prayer of the Crashed Messyah

Ouch, that smarts all over
Why did I have this dumb thing anyway
I'd much rather sit at home and play X-Box
Oh well
Well, I'd better put some glaze on these cuts

These Blessed Words are now the most Sacred Prayer of the Pastrianist Church. It is recited before every Sunday Binge Eating Session. These Majestic Words are not to be desecrated.

(Book of Turnovers, Verse 2:2)

And he came to a town known as Pieland, and all rejoiced at the sight. He declared himself the Messyah, and all chanted a hymn. "Blessed be the name of the Pastry who fell from the sky! Blessed be his name!" they chanted over and over. Alas, the demon Kale was at work, and his followers shunned the work of Churro. Indeed, Joe Gold, the ruler of Gold's Gym and the most vile of fhe False Prophets, sentenced the Messyah to death after a few days of preaching. Alas, it seemed like Gold's Gym had won.

It seemed as if Gold's Gym had won. Yet the fight was not over yet. In a last act of desperation, Churro challenged Kale to a donut abstaining contest.

(Book of Strudels, Verse 3:1)

It came about in those days that Kale was cocky about the apparent shallowness of Churro. Churro had a meager band of followers but Kale had much more! Churro, in an act of male superiority, challenged Kale to see how long you could last without eating a donut placed in front of your nose!
They went to a desert, and for forty seconds he lasted the temptation. Alas, Churro could take it no more, and he bit the edge of the donut. He lost. From then on he was jeered at and kicked out of Pietown, now renamed Gluten-Freeton.

Alas! It looked as if the moment of peril had come for the High One! He was tried for execution for defiling the laws set by Gold!

(Book of Strudels, Verse 6:34)

The Messyah stood above the pot of sizzling oil that was to be his deathbed. He had lost and disappointed his cousin. Oh well, he thought, at least I tried.
A heavy hand shoved Churro into the boiling vat of oil. Churro screamed until he remembered he was a donut.
He was soon swimming in the vat of oil and having a good time. Gold stood shocked above him. A fervid chant rose through the crowd: "Blessed is he who survived the Pit of Overheated Oil! Blessed is he!"
Gold was soon overrun by a mob, and he himself was cast into the pit. Later, they feasted on charred muscle. It was the feast to end all feasts.

Churro had beat Kale, and he was now able to retire. His followers watched in awe as a fat finger reached down from the heavens to Churro.

(Book of Strudels, Verse 8:3547272)
And Churro grew tired of the monotonous life of the villagers, so he decided to leave, amid weeping and sobs. He rose to the Big Rock Candy Mountain and called his cousin on his phone. "Hey, coz, can I get a lift?" were his Words, which are now Sacred.
Churro began to changs form. Before, his body was a normal churro, but now, his body was shiny with glaze! His followers gaped in awe at this transformation, then a booming noise came from the heavens. "This is my bro. He's pretty cool, man. I like him." said the Voice. The followers fell down and wept. "We are not worthy!" they cried.
Then his followers watched in awe as a fat finger fell from the heavens and plucked Churro off the ground! "Blessed is he who is taken by the Fat Finger!" they cried. And the legend of Churro soon spread throughout the land.

The story is not yet done. After the Transfaturation on the Mount (as it came to be told) many things happened that can be read about in the Book of Scones and the Book of Creme' Brulee. Alas, these pages are too short to tell you about those wonders. But I will tell you about Saint Deborah.

Many thousands of years passed, and the humans grew restless. There is nobody to lead us! they cried. But there was to be one, a small girl named Deborah. Deborah was small, yet she held in her wiry frame the gift of pastry cooking. She soon amassed an army of followers to eradicate the followers of Kale once and for all.
Her enemies scorned her, insulting her with jeers of "Little Debbie!" but that did not deter her. She eventually adopted the title as her name, now she is known as Saint Little Debbie of Twinkieland. Legend also has that she amassed the Two Holy Relics of Pastrianism, the Exalted Moon Pies.

(Book of Twinkies, Verse 3:99)

Little Debbie marched her followers through the wasteland, even though they were out of shape and tired. Still, she dangled a cheeseburger in front of their noses, and they followed her to the ends of the earth.
She and her followers had almost eradicated the Evil Angels of Kale, yet one remained: The Mighty Thighmaster. Legends had that he towered above all at almost 4 feet! All were struck with terror when they sae the mighty Thighmaster.
Finally, after a grueling walk of a full mile, they reached their destination. Her followers lay gasping on their knees.
She called out to the Mighty Thighmaster. "Thighmaster, will you fight me, or are you too chicken?"
Thighmaster hated being called chicken. He lumbered out of his closet to attack Little Debbie. "Ha! You are an insignificant wimp!" he cried. But, she already had loaded the donut hole into her slingshot, and she fired. It hit the Thighmaster straight in the mouth and down the throat into the stomach.
"Can'" he said, and he keeled over dead.

And so concludes our tale, from the Creation of the Universe to the destruction of Kale's demons, which meant that humanity was free of guilt from eating junk food, which meant that humans ate as they pleased, which meant that they had heart attacks after a week, which meant that The Divine Fryer now had an itch-free belly.


Probably the best book I've read. I've discovered a new religion and now I shall dwell in The House of Fried Pastries forever...
Amen. - Britgirl

Well this ls a funny and creative post - Martinglez

For all readers who wish to transcribe a book of the Fried Pastries, here you go 425 - CityGuru