A Sarcastic Overview of TheTopTens

According to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, essays only begin with "according to [insert book here]" when the author cannot generate an original introduction. However, I don't have the luxury of name-dropping Merriam-Webster, Oxford, or Urban, since, according to all reliable reference resources (including the infallible Wikipedia), TheTopTens does not exist. This creates an awkward and unfortunate paradox.

Yet, I unquestioningly accept TheTopTens' existence, because I have seen it. This hearsay evidence is scientifically unsound and would not hold up in a court of law. Have I really seen this website? Or has my mind created an alternative dimension, flooded with characters and information, into which I can escape any time? Are you, dear readers, imaginary? To quote Ernest Hemingway: "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"

Perhaps YOU are the one trapped in an alternative dimension. Perhaps this blog post and its author are figments of your imagination. After all, what proof do you have that I exist? Maybe you're actually asleep--dreaming. Tomorrow, you'll wake up, and this internet utopia will be forgotten. In the words of Leo Tolstoy, you'll "break on through to the other side."

After all, TheTopTens is too good to be true. An elite group of talented, brilliant, mature individuals come together to form a community rich with information and entertainment. New lists are always immaculately ordered and formatted. Where else could you read about the best pizza delivery services in Bangkok (which I am sure will be very useful, if I ever get a passage there) and scroll down to a list of serial killer victims (all slaughtered by Max the Axe in Gospel Heights, Tennessee) that will make your blood run cold? And once you're through with those, listen to samples of the best songs from Manure Spreader's album Gory Watershed.

But the people are what give TheTopTens its colour and flavour. The users' intelligence practically glows. Their social skills are as well-honed as a freshly-sharpened knife (or axe)--after all, we'd never be on here if we weren't already too advanced for real life friends--which makes conversation as crisp as a greenback in a blizzard. Arguments are conducted rationally and with mutual respect. Occasionally, a debate about whether or not Blues Clues is better than Roger Moore's eyebrow gets out of hand, but surely, given the intense emotional attachment to each subject, that's excusable. Peer pressure is non-existent. Sure, once in a blue moon, somebody asks to be followed and guilt trips others into voting on his lists, but he never gains popularity. Other members recognize him for the attention seeker he is and simply ignore him. He never even cracks the top 100 on the master User Ranking list.

It's easy to see why this website draws people back. It offers entertainment and enlightenment at an exclusive level. It offers the chance to meet and interact with exciting new people from around the United States of America world. If you're up for an intellectually stimulating debate, there's no better place. (Disclaimer: The users have high standards, which you may or may not satisfy.) In short, TheTopTens offers you a state of nirvana previously only achievable by blowing your head off with a shotgun.


I can't quite prove that this blog exists. - PositronWildhawk

You gek! - visitor

You ned! - PositronWildhawk

You dok! - Puga

You dweb! - PositronWildhawk

You amatur! - RiverClanRocks

Geko - visitor

You jark! - Gamecubesarecool193

You but! - WonkeyDude98

You motherfacker! - Gamecubesarecool193

Where is this blog? A non-existent wasteland? - Puga

It's only teenage wastela-a-and. - PetSounds

Teenage wasteland
It's only teenage wasteland
Teenage wasteland
Oh yeah, teenage wasteland
They're all wasted - gemcloben

Woops, my comment was meant to be a reply - gemcloben

Absolutely rolling. Haha! - keycha1n

Is this sarcastic or... - PetSounds

Was THAT sarcastic? - keycha1n

Oh yeah, totally. - PetSounds

Where AM I? - MrQuaz680

Striat-Er, the Internet. - RiverClanRocks

This is the most passive-aggressive thing that wasn't argumentative I've ever read. - visitor

That's the point. - PetSounds

It works in comedy, but sometimes it's really hard to get your point across when you use it. That's just my opinion from what I've seen, though. - visitor

I don't have a point, so that doesn't really worry me. - PetSounds

This was the best one I've read so far! - Turkeyasylum

So creative and well-written, but most important of all, I laughed out loud nearly every step of the way - Billyv

That was perfect! - Garythesnail

Did you... Did you just... Make a Kurt Cobain reference at the end? - MontyPython

I don't get it. - visitor

I made all those serial killer victims lists. Y'all can thank me later. - bobbythebrony

Huh. How much of this applies today? - ProPanda

Did I really write this two years ago? Sheesh.

To answer your question, I have no idea. - PetSounds