1 Well, I certainly don't FEEL guilty. Heh heh heh.
That just leads to even worse trouble
Drops you right in it.
2 Well, you lost the case, but at least we make cash from this
3 They call me up for jury duty, and all I do is doodle and roll the dice!
4 Silence in court. Can't you play basketball elsewhere?
You might hear this if there have been budget cuts in your local area.
5 Oh, nobody would've cared much; the cops all chase people to lose some pork and sleep it off these days.
6 Were you at the police lineup? They're all to judgemental!
7 I should probably have said this earlier...
My eyes rolled back into their sockets when I saw this. This is the very worst thing a lawyer needs/wants to hear five minutes before going back into the courtroom. You've gathered evidence, put a case together...and then a client drops this little bombshell...and the lawyer's little world falls apart in a messy heap on the floor along with the case. People seem to think lawyers are miracle workers...
Yep. You have to let it out sometime.
8 This place looks expensive. You leach off of fines a lot, don't you?
Saying that will get you put away for longer than it takes to hop to the moon
What if it's one big hop?
9 Everything I said was a lie. But I'm not lying about lying; am I lying about not lying.
If this works, you'll win. One problem is that it would never work.
10 He couldn't have seen my face, I was wearing a balaclava!
The Contenders
11 Nice bald spot you got there your honor
This is a HORRIBLE thing to say to a judge! Imagine what he / she would say...
12 How much salary do you get for sentencing someone to death?
13 I never rob vending machines. If you need more change, I can pay the fine in silvers.
14 (To the judge) Do you compete in hammer throw at the Olympics? You've got a pretty decent hammer (gavel) with you.
That's a Stupid Burn! It's so funny!
15 Where is Superman? I can't find him anywhere.
16 Can you put down the hammer I'm trying to play Flappy Birds
This is so funny!
17 Excuse me but you seem to mistaken me as someone who gives a damn
This will automatically put you in jail
18 What did I do?
19 Just say he's guilty already!
20 (To the judge) I saw your dog poop in front of the White House!
You're in Jail right away. No doubt.
21 (To the judge) Can I marry your daughter?
22 What sort of food do you serve at the prison? I love Italian!
23 (To the judge) Can I fart?
24 (To the judge) I love shaving. What's your opinion on this?
25 I stabbed myself with a knife. What punishment should I get?