WonkeyDude98's Formal Rage: Luke Bryan

WonkeyDude98
Not only is Luke Bryan well-liked across this site, I'm also selecting a few in particular I know that like him, for no given reason, most of whom are my friends and one is whom I have a crush on (you know who you are). So, now that we've got the shoutouts out of the way, let's talk about Luke Bryan.

Just in case you don't know by now, I HATE LUKE BRYAN. I don't even know where to begin with this guy. He's probably the worst artist in the already terrible subgenre of bro-country. But enough raging alone, let's get to what really makes him terrible.

First off, he's a terrible singer, just straight up. On every song he has, he has this incredibly nasal quality to his voice, and it's too smooth to be tough but too grating to be enjoyable. It's just weird and unlistenable in the worst ways possible. He has next to no charm (we'll get to the one time he does have it later) or wit, and his voice just emphasizes the worst parts of each of his songs. When backed by AN ELECTRIC GUITAR AND A BANJO, you can't have vocals this smooth. Plus, his range is just awful. His low range is monotonous and near nonexistent, and his voice is too low to make his high range enjoyable in any way. Plus, whenever he tries to go for a melisma like on the bridge of That's My Kind Of Night, it sounds strained and awkward.

His already weak voice is made even worse by his awful writing. Everything he writes is about either hot chicks, parties, or beer, and he usually mixes them together. Combined with his weird voice, it makes everything he does excrutiatingly goofy. Now, I'm not saying that every artist has to have a serious song, I mean Fetty Wap has only really made party songs and he's one of my favorite new mainstream artists of the decade. The difference between Fetty Wap and Luke Bryan is that Fetty Wap's songs are bouncy, endearing, and affectionate, whilst Luke Bryan's are dull, stilted, and sleazy. To put it simpler, Fetty Wap's brand of goofy and sloppy is infectious, while Luke Bryan's is destructive.

Now, I'm going to review each of his songs I know individually.

That's My Kind Of Night is easily his worst song. No element is consistent. The lyrics are too simple and his voice is too smooth to be put up against this equally smooth bassline, the stale percussion, the electric guitar, AND BANJO. It's also funny how the first artists he thinks of within the genres that he is catering to (country and rap) are Conway Twitty and T-Pain, artists so profoundly generic that they are parodies (cue people calling me a TheDoubleAgent ripoff: I am). The vocal melody is probably the worst part of the song, confining him to his lowest range on the verses while stretching out every syllable to the point of nausea...and then the chorus barges in, where the vocal melody completely loses track of itself. Seriously, he uses five distinct melodies in there! Ultimately, bro country garbage.

Kick The Dust Up is close, but not quite as bad because it doesn't resort to clichés like TMKON does. Objectively, it's pretty much worse in every way though. The verses are unmemorable, the guitars are swampy, and the drums are plodding. I feel bad for the cornfield that Luke Bryan partied in. It's supposed to make me jump around and dance, but it's so slow and lumbering I can't even imagine nodding my head to it.

Games is really forgettable, honestly.

This Is How We Roll is a collab between Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan. So basically, FGL looked for the only country artist worse than them, found him, and made a song with him. There's not much to say other than that this is generic rap-country schlock that's too standard for its own good. I mean geez, FGL are worse singers than Luke Bryan!

Country Girl and Honkeytonk Badonkadonk are really songs that explain themselves.

The only song I've ever liked by Luke Bryan is Play It Again, which is to Luke Bryan what Cheyenne is to Jason DeRülo, except Luke Bryan is better, yet Cheyenne is better. Anyway, Play It Again is tuneful, soothing yet powerful, and as far as bro country goes, meaningful. It was a dreadfully overlooked song and I'm glad I got introduced to it.

That said, Luke Bryan is absolutely awful, I give him a -1/5. He represents the worst in his already self-explanatory subgenre. He makes Sam Hunt look like John Paul White, and Sam Hunt is terrible too! This is WonkeyDude98, signing out.

Comments

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk is by Trace Adkins - bobbythebrony

But it was co-written by Luke Bryan if I remember correctly. - WonkeyDude98

Luke Bryan didn't co-write HTB. There were three people crediting for writing it, two of them wrote for Bryan themselves. - visitor

That...didn't make sense. - WonkeyDude98

Honky Tonk was written by Dallas Davidson (who wrote Bryan's "Rain Is A Good Thing"), Randy Houser (who was on tour with Bryan in 2015) and Jamey Johnson (who didn't write for Bryan or do anything with Bryan). - visitor

Well then, miscommunication I guess. - WonkeyDude98

I remember him...HE SUCKS! - RiverClanRocks

I actually hate Fetty Wap, but that's because I don't listen to rap. - RiverClanRocks

I don't blame you. Essentially, he's garbage, but a fun kind of garbage. The kind that makes you want to jump in and splash around. - WonkeyDude98

The only Fetty Wap song I've had the unfortunate pleasure of hearing is Trap Queen. Is he always like that? - bobbythebrony

Trap Queen is a great song. I'll defend him in my next post. But if you're looking for an intellectual song that you need to think about, then that is the equivalent of trying to find Rae Sremmurd doing a song that isn't a "song".

If you're looking for infectious personality, endearment, and some great musical feats, Fetty Wap is the way to go. - WonkeyDude98

Hey, at least it isn't Hit The Quan, Watch Me, or the Dab song. My friends do those all the time and it drives me insane. - RiverClanRocks

Out of all of those, it's only legal to like Watch Me. - WonkeyDude98

I don't mind Luke Bryan but that's because I'm from Tennessee. I like rock, metal and some good rap but even though I'm not a country fan, I can respect some of it - bobbythebrony

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