What I Don't Like About: Katy Perry

As most of you know, I've never been too fond of pop singer Katy Perry. While I have expressed this on many different occasions I have never exactly given a reason as to why I dislike her so much. Well, today I will explain my odd dislike for Miss Perry.

First of all let's start off with Perry's music. I definitely do not like her music, like, at all. Between the often lackluster production and the childish and cleshed lyrics, I really cannot enjoy it much. I typically don't care if the instruments in a song are real as long as they sound good. However, Katy's music makes the lack of instruments way too blatant and obvious. Listen to the opening of "California Gurls" for example. It literally just sounds like buttons being pressed. It sounds like someone downloaded a sound effect app onto their phone and made a pattern with 2 of the buttons. As for the rest of the song? It's just more instrumental that doesn't even sound like it has instruments. Here's a tip to all aspiring producers, please at least try to make your Fruity Loops sound effects IMITATE instruments. The beat just sounds like a bunch of bouncy noises. And if you listen to her other music, most of it is the same. The only time I remember hearing any actual instrument in a Katy Perry song is when Kenny G played the sax in "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)". Which is easily the best moment in any Katy Perry song ever. If only the rest of the song weren't so atrociously mind numbing I would actually be able to enjoy it.

Katy's lyrics are... Let's be honest here... Garbage. So full of tired cleshes that Gawker made 120-something list of them. It's hard to really call Katy a songwriter when 95% of the lines she writes have been used before. But of course when she does on occasion try to be creative she comes up with crap like "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again". Honestly, Katy! You need to come up with one original lyric and you throw that at us? First of all, plastic bags drifting in the wind typically are pretty cool, in fact it looks somewhat elegant. Second of all, you are obviously trying to use this as a simile for "being ignored" When in all actuality when a bag starts drifting most people on the sidewalk look at it and it's usually one of the more memorable parts of their walk. Third of all, why the hell would the bag want to start again? Just to go back to the grocery store to be used again ending up either drifting in the wind again or being used to pick up dog poop? I think the bag is pretty contempt with drifting for right now. Honestly, I think she outta stick to using cleshes now that I take a second thought. There's also that "Dark Horse" song where she, of course, she uses a bunch of forgettable and unoriginal lyrics until we get to the chorus where she demonstrates that she doesn't even know what a dark horse is. Really, her lyrics are typically dull or just flat out stupid.

To chalk it up, I will now review the 3 worst Katy Perry songs I have ever heard.

Song #1: "Peacock"
So, here's another example of when Katy tries to do her own thinking. She uses a peacock as symbolism for... a penis. Ok, besides the obvious synonym, what do the two things even have in common? One is a male reproductive organ and the other is a colorful Indian bird. The production is as always minimal and grating, but really, the lyrics are what butchers this song. The lyrics are basically Katy demanding to see this guy's junk and if he doesn't show it to her she's going to opt out of the sex. That's it. That's the premise. But really, if the guy isn't willing to show you his penis, are you even going to have sex? I'm pretty sure that the member has to be out if coitus is occuring. Um, maybe the guy doesn't want to have intercourse... Wait... Is... Is Katy Perry asking some Random guy to show her his junk? Uh, let's just... Nevermind. It also has really horrible rhymes.
"Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?
Don't be a chicken, boy, stop acting like a bi-atch
Gon' need to peace out if you don't give me the payoff"
Ok, let's get this straight. Peacock, b***h, and off do not rhyme. Like, not even remotely. I don't care about "slant-rhyming", this is not a rhyme at all. Ok, honestly, this song is just starting to piss me off, let's move on.

Song #2: "This Is How We Do"
Ok, on this one, both the production AND lyrics are horrible. This beat sounds like a pitch shifted version of Mario jumping. It's extremely uneven and bouncy. I honestly don't even know how one could even dance to this beat. The beat isn't exciting or fun at all, it's just trying to hard to be and not trying hard enough to be at the same time and it turns into this awkward noise backing Katy Perry's talk-rapping nonsense. Of course the song starts with the "sipping on Rosé" cleshes and then delves straight into incoherent nonsense. Some of the remaining lyrics include:
"Chanel this, Chanel that, he'll yeah, all my girls they wear Chanel, baby"
"It's no big deal, it's no big deal, it's no big deal, this is no big deal"
"This is how we do, yeah, chilling laid back, street stunting yeah, we do it like that, this how we do-do-do-do-do"
"Grabbing tacos, checking out hotties"
"Gettin' our nails did all Japanesey"
Ok, can any of you please tell me what this song is... erm... ABOUT? First she's wearing Chanel, then she steals a chorus from a 90's R&B song, then she gets tacos and hits on dudes, and then she gets her nails done "Japanesey". This is utter nonsense. Also, how does one get their nails done "all Japanesey"? Does the manicurist paint Anime characters on your nails? What does that even mean? The rest of the song basically just changes the subject to encouraging irresponsible behavior with lines like;
"Shout out to all you kids buying bottle service with your rent money! Respect!"
"Here's to all you people going to bed with a ten and waking up with a two!"
Ah, Katy Perry. Making our modern youth dumber one cleshe at a time.

Song #3: "E.T."
So this song was horrible. And unlike the previous two, it was huge. It was one of the most inescapable songs of 2011. Which makes it all the more irritating. First of all, this production is atrocious. It clattered, overdone, and messy. The sound effects are the grating trash that nightmares are made of. Even then-11 year old me was irritated by this crap. If you think that the Kendrick Lamar remix of "Bad Blood" was bad, then this is an abomination. Kanye is lazy and agitating as ever, and Katy sounds like a robot. Usually, I don't even care about autotune, but this right here is unbearable. They overproduced her voice to the point of oblivion. A problem is that in this song, Katy attempts to belt, which really doesn't work with all the machinery masking it. Any possible potential this song could have had was drowned in overproduction and garbage effects.

Now, I have discussed my problems with Katy's music, but I haven't talked about her image. Honestly, this is what I hate most about Katy. She is so fake. Not in the way of "she's a diva behind the scenes", but in the way of "Her entire career is a blueprint". Katy was made by her label to be exactly what she is, a sexualized pop star. While this has been done countless times before, Katy's case us different. Unlike other women the labels did this to, Katy shows no personality. At least Britney Spears and Beyonce showed some personality in their sluttyness. Katy Reveals nothing about herself in her music, she merely is shown as a pair of boobs. She has no uniqueness or persona, she is merely a "hot pop star". Honestly, based off of her music what do we know about Katy? She's from California, she had relationships with men, (Although she never gives much detail about said relationships, as that would require emotion, something that Perry's label won't allow her to present.) and she is hot. She doesn't show any part of who she is or what she stands for in her music. She merely makes a trendy pop song and does a video featuring her half naked shaking her goods. While I as a straight male find this visually appealing, I see right through the phesod. She is a label-made cash reeler. She doesn't show any passion or emotion in her music. Even in songs like "The One That Got Away" or "Unconditionally" she doesn't. She says generic lines with no hard hitting or tough lines. That's my problem with Katy Perry. She is immensely and aggitatingly fake. Katy Perry is so much like every other pop star, she is like no other pop star I have seen before. She is just a product, packed with dull lyrics, cheap production, and an overwhelming amount of vocal work to hide the fact that she can't actually sing. Katy Perry is a vapid pool of nothing, that is why she is my least favorite pop star.

Comments

Not as bad as Justin or Nicki, but bad - TwilightKitsune

I personally like the plastic bag line in Firework, because it represents how plastic bags simply drift off in the wind without control or direction, similarly to Katy's lyrical target. Even if I like Katy, great review nonetheless. - WonkeyDude98

Katy is very polarized on me - ProPanda

Why did I ever like her... - Elina

I don't "hate" Katy Perry, but I don't really like her all that much. On the one hand, I like some of her songs like The One That Got Away, Wide Awake, Hot n Cold, Thinking of You, and Part of Me. On the other hand, she also has songs that I dislike such as Peacock, This Is How We Do, your So Gay, Roar, and Dark Horse. Even her latest single, Rise, failed to make a good impression on me. - NiktheWiz

I like Katy Perry as I put her on my list of favorite female singers whereas her friends Rihanna and Beyonce are there. Bit nonetheless great review. Although O think you hate her because Taylor thinks she stole her backup dancers. Well, nonetheless that was false as I got to meet Katy Perry and she said that was false. - kontrahinsunu

No, I just hate her last two albums, that's all. - visitor

For Peacock, you should've also brought up the fact that Katy Perry passed the song off as a gay pride anthem. - NiktheWiz

Katy has been shrinking on me lately, I like "Unconditionally" but her "Witness" album is abysmal. Seriously, in "Swish Swish" she thinks great lyrics are:

"They know what is what
But they don't know what is what
They just strut
What the f***? "

You can't be serious. - DCfnaf

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