Borderline Personality Disorder

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It's like I am living hell. getting up every morning and not knowing if I will come back safely or will be dead because I might hurt myself when I'm especially unstable. I am scared of going out because of the constant change of feelings towards me and towards the people in my environment. when I am meeting up with the few friends I still have, I start up being happy seeing them and admire them like they're the worthiest thing in my life, one word, one laughter that shouldn't have been and I get so imbalanced and suicidal, not talking anymore, wanting to hurt myself or just punch them in the face; and I really want to leave but I don't want to be alone- and hell, I know nobody's gonna run after me, and they say something that makes me feel worthy again, they're suddenly my hero, and then again my villain, and that goes in an everlasting circle.

I don't know who I am, I sometimes look in the mirror and can't even see how I look. everything feels distant and I am not even here. I ...more

I am not diagnisticated, but yes, I am pretty sure I have Borderline. And it's really horrible. I talk and after that I regret all the things that was said. I hate myself, but I'm still alive because I love my family too much. Only my best friend, with whom I have strange relationship because of my impulsivity, knows about it, but I regret that I told her. I don't think I deserve to be happy because of my thoughts and actions. The only thing I want to do is to become numb, in this case I won't hurt people and will be more happy. But I don't, I can't do this. I want to talk, but I know I will regret everything. I want to become friends with someone, but I know they will hate me, like my best friend sometimes hates me and I hate, sometimes, almost every person. I want and don't want to become more sociable at the same time. Sometimes I cut myself because I want to punish me. I just want to cry, but if somebody will see me, I will regret this, like I regretted it in the past. I look ...more - Kamyru

BPD is one of the most cruel mental illnesses. Because it's a combination of 9 different maladaptive behaviors and mental illnesses, it is extremely hard to medicate. When I was a child I looked forward to my life changing. Like this torture could not last for so many years. My mother abused me physically, emotionally and sexually. Nobody will ever love you, she told me. She was right. Father absent and stepfather an accomplice by remaining quiet in front of the daily beatings. Looked forward to the pain ending at 10 years old, then 13, then 15, then 18, then 20 and finally at 25 I realized this was not going away so all I want to for God to smite me. Contemplating killing myself has been a constant. I am 100% alone in this world. Nobody loves me nor will they ever. What's the point of life? No matter how much therapy of each and every kind or how much effort I put into pulling forward, life just crumbles around me. To all of those with BPD, my heart goes out to you.

I do have borderline personality disorder I got diagnosed at 18 after my doctors thought it was just depression and split personality disorder, my family makes fun of me for BPD and I just have to laugh with them, I am I a stable relationship after years of being in abusive ones, it's scary and although I have friends and family who care for me I am alone a lot the suicide thought do come and then they go again because I have a counselor and a multiple support needs worker too but I have found that I've always been so calm around animals (mainly cats) my best friend also has BPD and it's bad because we can set each other off. I prefer to be on my own so I can't bounce off other peoples moods. I self-halmed from 5 years old first biting my knees to eventually cutting constantly I also pierced myself to try and stop cutting and I love have tattoos because of the feeling. Some times it feels like my emotions attack me all at once and when you live in a shared house as well there's ...more

Borderline is absolutely horrific to live with. 10% of Borderlines commit suicide, and around 75% have attempted to commit suicide. Every moment you live is extremely intense. The fear of being alone and losing anyone takes over the mind. You are constantly juggling your overpowering emotions. When Borderline's fall into a breakdown, their actions can become dangerous to themselves, and anyone around them. Borderline Personality Disorder is like a package of mental illnesses and other health issues such as; eating disorders, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, psychosis, neurological issues (minor short term memory loss).

Borderline personality disorder is living hell. You will never live up to who you think you want to be. I will always be starving and begging for love and affection but it will never be enough because I will never have anything to give back. I keep thinking I can do this but the pain is insufferable. I'm on a tightrope every day of my life. Balancing between sane and insane and whether I want to live or die. The only thing that is certain in my mind for me is that I will do anything I can to end this. Even if it means to take my life.

In reading some of these other comments, I can see how this disorder can presented in such a range of ways. I see many comments talking about how they abuse the people they have relationships with, and I will not deny this, however, I want to make it clear that a common symptom of BPD is thinking that we are bad. The longer I'm in treatment, the longer I'm realizing this isn't true. Its another mind trick I'm playing on myself. I also am learning that I'm not always the problem in my relationships. Because I think I'm worthless and undeserving, I tend to be drawn to people who will abuse me just as much if not more than I would abuse them. I also wanted to make a point that if we are abusing people, it not a conscious choice. As a matter of fact, its almost appropriate in our mind because our mind is playing tricks on us and we can't tell the difference between reality and mind games.

It makes me really sad to see all the other comments and they're basically all self-hating. I ...more

"Product of years of my brother raping me, being abandoned constantly by friends and being abused by my parents. Coupled with my ADD and hypersensitivity, I am both the most caring and unmanageable person you can imagine. I lash out, get frustrated, can't tell between lies and truth, have constant paranoia, constantly blame myself and others at the same time... I can barely handle remedial tasks and I fixate on people so quickly it scares everyone away. I wish I was dead almost periodically every day and I have to age regress to keep from cutting. People look up to me, but I know they're all really looking down."

I think I have this one. My personality is constantly changing and I hate myself for the things I say and do to hurt people when I can't control myself. My friends and family are walking on eggshells around me, they don't know who I will be in the morning and when I get home from school. My personality went from sad to angry to determined to hopeless and back again... And in only seconds. I don't know for sure if I have this, but I believe I do based on the symptoms. A lot of the time I don't even know what I'm doing, I can't control myself anymore.

I can say from experience how bad this can be, you can't help but self destruct and ruin anything good. You don't understand others, you don't understand yourself. You push people away even though you need them more than they realise. It's a never ending pattern of wanting one thing and doing the opposite.

That being said, I wouldn't call it the worst. I have witnessed what schizophrenia and insomnia have done to people during much stay in a psychiatric ward, and I have to say I can't imagine what it's like.

Sleep deprivation psychosis, caused by insomnia, is what I imagine the worst being like

Basically wanting to kill myself every day because I can't interact with people anymore due to my paranoia of knowing I AM abnormal in comparison to them. Extreme anger I can't seem to control.. I can't get myself out of bed anymore. I don't even know who I am. Major anxiety linked with it causing skin picking disorders so now every cut is replaced with a deep scar and I now fear becoming hideous which I know will cause me to become more recluse. No friends, family, I'm on my own and slowly losing it. Can't stop self harming

Borderlines don't know who they are-and do not really understand others. Their minds play tricks on them CONSTANTLY-causing distressing thoughts which feed on the emotions. This is torture. I am sure there are worse things like Schizophrenia-but bdp comes along with others symptoms such as depression AND panic disorders. There is much suffering in this as with any personality disorder.

BPD is a gruesome disorder. Honestly, I don't think anyone deserves to be in this position. With all these emotions bubbling inside of you at once, you can not predict the outcome or what is about to happen next; everything happens automatically. For me, BPD usually has a huge impact on my social life. I lost my best friend due to my anger and hatred towards her. It's like you have no control over your body and whatever your brain tells you to do your body spontaneously acts upon it not considering the result of your behavior. I have such a hard time trusting people because I think they are against me or trying to hurt me. Whilst at times I feel so close to people that I mess up everything just living in the fear of them abandoning me.

I Hate BPD It's the worst thing that ever happened to me. ALWAYS CHAOS. You are depressed. You have panic attacks, constant anxiety, You freak out on people everyday, constant anger, You love them you hate then the next minute. You can't have a stable relationship, you feel misunderstood, you think about suicide once a day, you try to commit suicide, alcohol, drug and sex abusing.

I have met people with this. Very difficult to be friends with. I have bipolar which should not be equated with borderline, they are not the same thing. The rough thing about having borderline is that it is such an emotional and has much to do with a person's past history that medication alone won't treat it. They need lots of counceling. I am glad I do not have this. - comicoco

I have it and it is really horrible. If you don't know what it is like to have this disorder imagine having sever mood swings and being very emotional. I also have trouble with long lasting relationships because my view about my friends constantly changes from them being good to bad. Also this is really embarrassing because people often call by crybaby or anger issues.

Bpd has ruined my life.. I also have fibromyalgia which is also linked to borderline.. It's hell because in my heart I want to do so much but I'm such an exhausted soul feel like I got chronic fatigue and hate how I appear lazy to others when really I want to die because I feel useless.. I feel like I have two personalities.. And intensity is a curse and blessing.. And want to self harm to relief pain or because I deserve to be punished.. I'm confused all the time.. Most of all other hurts when people don't believe in what I say.. Like they most think my triggers are made up or something..

I find I very strange that a disorder/illness that makes you so miserable that you regularly want to kill yourself (I believe it has the highest suicide rate of ANY disorder) doesn't make it number 1 on this sad list.

I have borderline personality disorder and its bad really bad

I have BPD and I am constantly shifting moods. The slightest little thing can set me off. I never know what a day can bring. I feel like no one understands me at all and no matter how hard I try or what meds I take it never seems to help. The mania I can deal with (until the crashing occurs) but the depression and anger... That's a different story all together. I sometimes have to lock myself away just so I won't say things to people I live with or offend people. It's a living hell!

BPD is pure torture. You don't know who you are, what you should do, if what you do is healthy or not, you feel completely alone in a room full of people, you question everyone's intentions, suicide is almost always a thought, being exhausted is almost a guarantee because you over analyze EVERYTHING, but you are paranoid so maybe you don't but you are just paranoid about it... It is just such a mentally exhausting mental health condition. - JDMS

BPD is constant paranoia that nothing around you is real, because you have no real sense of who you are. All you can do is scream and obsess and self-medicate the emptiness with unhealthy codependent relationships and friendships, people who love you but you convince yourself they're going to leave you so you treat them poorly, which actually makes them leave. It's like a constant flow of mood swings and self-fulfilling prophecies. You creat scenarios in which you're the bad person who needs to be forgiven and loved no matter how abusive you are. It's so lonely and it's the hardest of my many issues I've had to deal with

My brother had this, it wasn't fun watching him lose relationships, lose jobs and eventually lost connection with us. He started doing heavy loads of alcohol and cocaine and attempted suicide several times. He was eventually diagnosed with BPD and before he could get treatment, he managed to finally kill himself. RIP my brother Daniel 1979 - 2006

I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I have some dark thoughts about others too and get very hateful. Just one relationship in my lifetime and when it ended it made me far worse. I have never got over it. Became far too co-dependant

BPD is just like Bipolar Disorder but more complex. My fear of abandonment and my extreme kind heart makes it impossible to maintain relationships with family, friends and lovers. None of the people around me know about my illness because I don't trust them or don't want to burden them with my problems.
I fell like I am the loneliest person in the world and I am in constant fear that I will push everyone away and that I will actually end-up all alone.

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