DCfnaf Movie Reviews: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

DCfnaf WARNING: Some viewers may disagree with this review. If you do, PLEASE respect my opinion and let me know NICELY why you have yours. Thank you.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid has gone way too far this time.

Please don't shove your pitchforks into my skull for admitting that I actually like the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books.

The criticisms that this website has given to the series are legitimate: There is a lack of character development and a real plot, the books are extremely formulaic, there's no true moral value to it, and worst of all, after ten sequels, Greg is still in middle school. WHAT??? So annoying!!!

I can accept these flaws since I generally just read the books for a harmless laugh or chuckle. Even so, I remember when they announced that there would be a Wimpy Kid movie and I was extremely hyped for it. When I came out of the theater, I acted like it was the greatest movie I had ever watched, but after watching it again...it was a 6/10 at best. Greg was hard to sympathize with, his Mom agitated me way too much, and Rowley was cringeworthy, but I liked Devon Bostick as Rodrick and I liked Steve Zahn as their Dad. Rodrick Rules was much more preferable than the first film, but I'd still give it the exact same score. Dog Days, on the other hand, gets a lower score than the first two entries in the series (4/10) because I felt that combining The Last Straw and Dog Days into one story didn't really work in favor of the movie. Also, whoever thought it was a good idea for Loded Diper (a wannabe ROCK BAND) to perform "Baby" by Justin Bieber to flatter a girl really has some severe issues. So overall, this has been a fairly average series of films and they were nowhere NEAR the greatest movies I've ever seen.

But in comparison to what I'm about to review, the first three movies look like The Dark Knight trilogy.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul is a "family comedy" (note those extremely intentional quotation marks) that centers on Greg Heffley, as well as the rest of his family, going on a 4 day long road trip to MeeMaw's house, but things don't go as planned and this leads to a series of unfortunate events that the movie considers "comedy".

Due to the original cast consisting of Zach Gordon, Devon Bostick, and Steve Zahn getting older, we have a new set of cast members this time around, including young Jason Drucker, Alicia Silverstone, and LeafyisHere--err, I mean Charlie Wright. Unfortunately, my favorite actor, The Pig, was not shown during the end credits even though he's the only professional in the movie. None of these actors could successfully portray their character. I can understand it if the child actors gave off a poor performance, as I don't believe I've ever seen these actors in a film before. I'm not sure if it was because they were inexperienced or if the director didn't seem to be able to guide them. Even so, the adults in this movie were horrible actors. Watching their terrible, fake acting fueled my hatred for the new cast even more and when they acted, they just came off as unlikeable douchebags. That brings me to next point:

The characters are unlikeable douchebags.

At the beginning of the film, I already despised Jason Drucker's portrayal Greg right when he walked on screen. His mother talks about how the family is going to go on "The Great Heffley Road Trip". She says they're going to visit MeeMaw for her 90th birthday party and Greg whines about going because he'd rather stay home and watch YouTube videos. Now, I'm not ashamed to admit that I am addicted to my electronics. However, I would NOT act like a huge family event like a 90th birthday is not as important as watching videos on my tablet. Bare in mind that this woman is 90 years old and she may not live for another year, and Greg thinks that it's more important to sit on his phone all day. I'm sick of these stereotypical portrayals of 21st century minors because a good majority of them are not this shallow.

Susan Heffley, Greg's mom, who is portrayed by Alicia Silverstone, is the typical "all electronics suck and the new generation should read a book for once" mother and it made me cringe way too much considering the movie was basically trying to enforce this message through her character. Not to mention, she embarrasses Greg at one point and the movie expects us to sympathize with her right afterwards when Greg gives her a piece of his mind for it. That's a BLOW.

Even the supporting cast was terrible. Mac Digby, who is a YouTube gamer that Greg likes, is basically an offensive portrayal of gamers. Based on this portrayal, apparently all YouTube gamers are fat bastards who are rude to their fans, scream into their microphones obnoxiously, and get paid to basically do nothing. This is clearly a jab at PewDiePie and I'm honestly sick of the complaints from parents and other critics. A man that donated to charities and stars on smaller gaming channels is not a terrible person solely because he screams swear words into a microphone. This portrayal of YouTube gamers in the media needs to just stop already.

I could go on about the rest of the cast, but I'm just going to mention these three specifically because they were the ones who angered me the most. The point is that I loathed everyone in the movie and that didn't really make me fond of the cast change. Most believe that this movie failed solely because of that. While I definitely agree that the cast change was a strong negative, as these actors are horrendous, I wouldn't consider that the sole reason the movie just does not work.

The main problem with the film lies mostly on the emphasis of the toilet humor being the primary form of comedy.

You see, the whole reason that the franchise of books (and even the first two/three movies) was funny was simply because the humor was built around Greg dealing with his embarrassing family and peers, school issues, and even just his life in general. Toilet humor was never part of the Wimpy Kid formula and it just does not factor into the story at all. It just exists solely to make little kids laugh...and fail trying.

WARNING: This next paragraph will shock you. It may even...horrify you. These humor explanations will definitely make you want to run for the closest bucket. Viewer discretion is advised.

It certainly doesn't help the movie's case that this toilet humor is easily some of the most vile and repulsive humor I've ever seen in a movie. These jokes could get so disgusting to the point of nauseation. They literally started the movie with a joke that involves Greg getting a dirty diaper stuck to his hands and everyone laughing at him as well as taking pictures. This turns Greg into a meme (and an unnecessary one at that). We also get a lovely joke with Rodrick vomiting on a fat bastard, and it's just as uncomfortable as it sounds. It still gets worse though, as later on we get to listen to the same fat bastard crap into a toilet very slowly. It involves water splashing and farting. They dedicate a good THIRTY SECONDS to this nonsense. I would love to know who saw that during the editing process and thought to themselves, "Everyone will find this super funny!!!" And at the end of the day...it doesn't add anything to the movie. If it serves no purpose to the story and if it's not funny, it should not be in your movie.

I'm not even one of those critics who believes that toilet humor should be omitted from a comedy film solely because it is toilet humor. Dumb and Dumber was an excellent film all around and there were plenty of toilet jokes scattered within. These were SOLID jokes because they served a purpose to the story. The jokes in Long Haul basically exist to pad out the movie's length. Children all love a good fart joke every now and then, but I believe that they have standards too and they probably wouldn't want to listen to a overweight man's crap splash into the toilet water as Greg cringes the entire time.

Final Thoughts/Recommendation

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul decides to put way too much emphasis on it's extremely repulsive and unfunny toilet humor, and this drags down the entire experience. The terrible new cast and unlikeable characters do not help matters and you will be either cringing, angry, annoyed, or bored by this pathetic excuse for a "family comedy". I can't even believe that this is what these morons thought parents and children would laugh at. No family is going to want to laugh at this at all. Considering that even the fans of this series seem to utterly despise this with a passion, I literally cannot find any group or person on the planet that this trash would appeal to. If you are a fan of this series, if you are on the fence about this, and if you like watching enjoyable movies, then please skip this crappy (no pun intended) "movie". Honestly, nobody should have to go though what I went through, so I highly request that you take my word on this one and avoid this like the bubonic plague.

2 -- Horrendous (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul is a disaster in every sense of the word. The toilet humor is disgusting and the characters are abysmal and poorly acted. Avoid at all costs.)

πŸ… Rotten Tomatoes Score: (20%), (34%) of Audiences Liked It πŸ…

(Somehow these are the scores. How the hell did 34% of the people that watched this enjoy this?)

πŸ’πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ How I review movies/games: https://www.thetoptens.com/best-movies/48379.asp

πŸ’πŸ»β€β™‚οΈRant on the Trailer: https://www.thetoptens.com/worst-movies-2017/54168.asp



Harsh to call it a 0 but hurrendous fits it. don't you agree that family guy has turned into trash? - visitor

Yeah, this is not a complete failure (a 1/10 is the lowest grade I give, so that's technically my 0/10 from my scale), but it's certainly close. Modern Family Guy is worse than Modern Spongebob because "Seahorse Seashell Party" is significantly worse than any atrocity Modern Spongebob made, including "One Coarse Meal", the worst episode. - DCfnaf

Modern spongebob can be medicore with SOME different episodes inculding one that shall not be named. Modern Family Guy transformed into one of the worst, sometimes its arguments were true, Brians a Bad Father was a terrible episode. - visitor

This is the lowest score I've given a movie that I've reviewed on TTT thus far. What's even more tragic is that I'm predicted a 1/10 (the lowest of the low for me) for The Emoji Movie. This is going to be hell. This year is a great year for movies, but there are some real trainwrecks this year.

Anyways, enjoy the review, and #NOTMYRODRICK - DCfnaf

Transformers 5 insulted me as I cried in the first movie when OP died - visitor

as a kid - visitor

Truly well said. The way you make this movie sound, it's almost as if it took inspiration from Norm of the North and decided to incorporate elements of that horrid movie into this one. - ModernSpongeBobSucks

If these dipwads did actually take inspiration from Norm of the North, they must REALLY love toilet humor because this humor was way more unwatchable in comparison to that. I'll watch Norm's stupid animal sidekicks piss into a fish tank ALL DAY as opposed to listening to the splashing of toilet water due to a guy laying his load. Also, the color palette in Norm's visuals wasn't that special shade of vomit like Long Haul's.

Also, thanks for those kind words, as this review took a week of my life away from me and watching that movie has left Mental Scars. - DCfnaf

It gets a -10/10 - visitor

I'll admit, I liked the original 3 as a kid.

Didn't bother seeing this one. Trailer looked awful. - visitor

Haha yes!

I'm not even gonna bother with this movie. - ProPanda

Egg looks like a 6 year old.
Rodick looks like an Asian girl.
Mom looks like one of these hoes from Liv an Maddie.
Dad looks like one of them druggies from Were The Millers.
Maney looks like a gingerbread man.
Rowleh looks like a chubby 4 year old. - AlphaQ

LOL πŸ˜„ - Trollsfan536

What will be your next review? - Trollsfan536

Forgot to post. And I'm not sure, though I think everyone is going to want an Emoji Movie review/rant. - DCfnaf

Hm, hasnt everyone done that, IHE said everything dat has been said. Do a nut job 2 review and tear that apart - visitor

Everyone is going to want it anyway. I didn't even know IHE did a review for it already. I'm doing a review for it anyway. - DCfnaf

Ok - visitor

Thr nut job 2 is the same level as the boss baby - visitor

I guess you could say the movie was a large pile of...'diary'-a. - Puns

Yup, pretty much. I see why your username is Puns. - DCfnaf

I make the puns grumble grumble. - DapperPickle

Great! Another 2017 movie to put in my collection! *Puts movie in a trashbag full of emojis, Transformers, babies, and smurfs* - TristGamer

There are plenty of 2017 movies to put on your shelf though.

I still laughed at this, lol. - DCfnaf

And women and circles and babies - visitor

Women is unforgettable - visitor

I wish someone would just kill off the series. It's a walking zombie at this point, and I feel Kinney's run out of ideas. - Swellow

Minecraft is a better waifu than Wario. - visitor

Randomator has a elimination game ongoing, it would mean a lot to him if you checked it out. - visitor

By the way, I made a post about my 3 least favourite directors, and would like if you had the time to check it out. - visitor

Also, I got a featured in February less than 2 months in. That was before you, jesus I missed potential.. - visitor

THIS IS SERIOUS. Aboslite lives in Florida. Her area will be struck. How about you go message her! - visitor

What would you rate The last knight? - visitor

2/10. Complete GARBAGE. - DCfnaf

0/10 - visitor

I mean why replace the actors? Just end the movies already! - Adventurur2

Greg's mom is an SJW - TwilightKitsune

LoL no way I'm disagreeing with this review. Diary of a Wimpy Kid films been fell off since the second. I didn't mind the first to be honest. - Mcgillacuddy

At the moment, I think it's entirely possible that the school goes up to 9th grade, - IcetailofWishClan