A Sarcastic Overview Of Rap Music

PositronWildhawk
BOOM - BOOM - BASH - BOOM - HIGHER BOOM - LOWER BOOM - SHATTERING CHINA PLATES

What was that? The harmonious, sophisticated and philosophical sound of a typical rapper performing the latest single: "I Just Got Super-Cliche High And Got Myself A Lead Boner", which, once his girlfriend (if he actually has one) hears it, will be followed by the B-Side entitled: "No, Deborah, I Implore You, Please Take Me Back, I Can Change". If she's a musician, she'll respond with: "You're A Creep Who Talks About His Personal Tiny Things To The Autotuner". At least the musical machine never tires of hearing about his troubles.

If we run this to its fundamental pieces, what we see is a true stallion of a gentleman sitting at his desk, thinking of truly Freudian material for his poetic works. How about "Yeah Yeah Yeah" as an introduction? Surely nobody has considered that. Plus, this man sees the wisdom in not putting this phrase in with something like "She Loves You". Oh, no; nothing so mainstream. "Yeah Yeah Yeah" would probably go better with something like "Holy S***! Sorry to bring this up in all the action, babe, but I lost the 'protection'!" only with more cliches like that to really bring out the soul within this very sophisticated and benign gentleman. And maybe he may add another lump of what he thinks is sugar to what he thinks is his tea as he contemplates over the joys of being paid extra to add things such as "Girls are around but I haven't noticed", in simply the everyday assumption which must make us rethink how we approach our everyday lives in terms of thought and emotion. How amazing.

Having practised these lyrics, which, considering the intelligence level, will have taken roughly six ice ages per line, he emerges from his home and makes his way to his agent's distinct office of exquisite tastes. They look at these lyrics and claim they never saw anything so refined and subtle, and they say "all go".

He then makes his way to his place to record his music. Out on a road, with a small microphone. He lies on the road and waits for a double decker bus to roll over his face as he starts rapping. But he forgot to turn on the microphone. Damn. All that pain for not very much. Starting again, he lets a second bus roll over his face to make the distinct and truly melodious background sound for his song. He also made those melodic screeches as the bus wheel traversed his face, which will sound quite mellifluous in recording, I'm sure. Should we rush this man to the hospital? I don't know. He may be too down to pass the blood tests.

After autotuning this recording into the sound of a lorry being driven through the eye of Sauron, this piece of art goes on to sell to millions of likeminded listeners, in touch with the soul of the music like a car having crumpled itself around a tree. No price to pay for it, either. Then some bloke suggests seeing this guy live. An excellent idea, and I'll just go to the power plant and eat some toxic waste for its wonderous nutrition and lack of side effects. We then see the guy on stage and he feeds the distinct sound he made with the bus into the autotuner, and he takes a crumb of whatever he's dangerously allergic to, so as to swell his vocal chords into the certain position to make his distinguished voice that only a typical rapper would do. Then he continuously cusses like Father Jack Hackett on fast forward. Boy, Father Jack was hilarious, and if I knew this guy was a comedian, I would have seen his work long ago.

In fact, I think I'll go to that Eminem concert tonight, bring my family, and I think we'll all adore the sound of true explicit poetry set to unexampled beats of very musical harmonies, and tomorrow, we'll all bathe in a jacuzzi of venomous sea snakes and stick our faces in a dryer full of acid and rocks. Because, if you're into this, life surely can't be sweeter.

Comments

PositronWildhawk talks a lot of sarcastic sense. In fact I couldn't have put it better myself; umm... Yes. Which is probably why I didn't!

This is the best, funniest and most sarcastic blog I haven't wasted ten minutes of my life reading. I'll never get those precious minutes back but who gives a damn when you have stuff this good! Haha!

Thank you, Posthing, you just made laugh out loud into an empty room with only me and your words of wisdom for company.

You are a GENIUS my funny friend!

Haha... ! - Britgirl

Does 'Posthing' reafer to Poirot's 'Hastings'?
Laugh out loud! - HezarioSeth

Well said, PositronWildhawk. Bloody well right. - PetSounds

Agreed. - DynastiNoble

This is my first time seeing your blog, Positron, and I admit that I've never seen a better blog than this (on this so called rap) ever in my life. A blog like this may create a million haters for you who love rap as if it is soul music (and thus I feel sorry for them too). I'll show this blog to my classmates who like rap, and then enjoy the scene where they will transform into rap defending monkies, defending this 'talk only no music' nonsense. I'll be waiting for your other blogs.
Kiteretsunu - Kiteretsunu

Yo, 'sup blud? What can I say BUT... PositromWildhawk is the master of funny sarcasm, innit, though?

*shakes head in dismay at not quite believing what I've just read*

Seriously funny, like (and I have to admit - it's true) stuff!

I's hope, yeah that other members have the sense, though blud not to waste such a good read - much better than the tired, dog-eared and often have pages which are stuck together with goodness what between them - that's for sure!

C-rap 'music' isn't your thing then, old bean? Because c-rap music is musically a has-been... To which you would never be sen, practising inane hand gestures like the "yo" pose like you don't give a s*** and certainly you wouldn't be seen *ahem* shakin' what mama gave yer; not even in the company and privacy of your own drum.

*Sucks teeth* Ain't your kinda ting, innit bro7'
Don't fret none, blud. It's all cool. Ain't no bad beef here, because. - Britgirl

Haha! Last para was funny! - HezarioSeth

City guru sounds like a rapper name, but trust me, it's not - CityGuru

It sounds nice, dude! - HezarioSeth

I agree, most rap music is terrible. Only three good rappers alive are Eminem, Lecrae, and Andy Mineo. the rest are complete garbage. I'm talking about you Lil Wayne... - Alpha101

What about Macklemore? - ArpstaAmy333

Tupac? - visitor

@vertitelcabal: "Alive". - WonkeyDude98

Positron always pisses me off! He says rap is "talking". Only Soulja Boy does that! It actually takes more talent than just "talking". Listen to Lupe Fiasco, Nas, AZ, and Talib Kweli, and you will regret dissing rap like this. REAL RAP LIKE THAT EXISTS! Lyrical rap songs are actually rap songs. - Decepticon

All songs are essentially talking. You're right! Why did I write this nonsense?!?!
I criticised rap for being about talking, where in fact, everyone who puts lyrics in a song is doing the same thing! Surely, this makes music in general a complete sham! I should just give up, because after seeing through the false images throughout modern culture, the whole notion of argument falls apart!
Thank you, Decepticon, you've enlightened me with your response. I'm certain that you'll bring a sense of totalitarian order to the world as we know it, to rid us all of needless conflict of independent thought. - PositronWildhawk

Re-read it, Decepticon. - visitor

PoitronWilhawk is seriously funny. This show it's true. BUT GOD DANGET, I AM A RAP FAN! - oops. Wedgie time. - istooduptoabully

As it's you, istoodup, I'll let you off. - PositronWildhawk

Whew. That was quite close. - froogylowlo

Let's not forget the part when the rapper goes "aw yeah, ya know who it is, ArpstaAmy333, bringing in the beat mofos! " Whenever we hear them introduce themselves we know it's our no bits, strawberry jam, delicious! - ArpstaAmy333

Rapping is like: ***** money **** drugs****** I'm so rich****** {add racist comment}****ladies***** look at my big gold necklace. - ethanmeinster

Hey, Positron, let's do an experiment!

Name first five rappers that come to your mind. - UltimateHybridX

OK, UHX, I'll go with Eminem, Drake, 'Lil Wayne, Snoop Dogg and Nicki Minaj. Yick. - PositronWildhawk

Positron can't name the good rappers 2/5 times, however, he can name them 3/5 times!

Apparently he knows what good rap is, he just doesn't think it's actually good. - SwagFlicks

Pos, all of those rappers you named at the very least WERE good at sometime in their career, and one of them still is. (Drake) - WonkeyDude98

I wouldn't say Drake is still good... - ProPanda

All rap is about is drugs, love, money, and you guessed it, "reproductive parts". What a disgrace to music. - CardboardBox

You brother likes rap music but - BigBrotherSucks

His brother likes rap music - BigBrotherSucks

I don't really like being reminded. - PositronWildhawk

I agree with this about today's rap, but if we lived in the 80s or 90s, it would be different. I'm sure if you ever listened to that era of hip-hop, your opinion would probably differ.

Your statement is actually even only partially true today. It is very true for mainstream music, but if you want to find better rap, you would actually have to dig very deep. - TheLister

This was wonderful - HappyFlower

My thoughts exactly. Great job Positron! - RiverClanRocks

What a censored rap song sounds like:******* you*****ain't***suck****swag****kill - SamuiNeko

You have a faulty understanding of rap. You probably have only heard of Drake, Lil Wayne, and Nicki Minaj. There are plenty of rappers out there with actual talent. To name a few: Tupac, Biggie, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar, Macklemore, and Nas. That's just a few. You are probably just a biased basher of all music except metal and rock. - WonkeyDude98

You clearly don't know me at all. I favour electro over rock, and most people here know it. And trust me, I have heard a lot of rap. - PositronWildhawk

I apologize for the assumption. However, I feel like you have made the empty claim of not generalizing rap, especially considering you literally said after saying you didn't generalize you said "every rapper is different" then immediately proceeded to generalize. I'm not blind to the fact that there is bad rap and a lot of it (2 Chainz, Nicki Minaj, Soulja Boy), but you forget there are tender rappers (2pac), rappers with good messages (also 2pac, as well as Macklemore and Kendrick Lamar), and rappers who do more than rap (Eminem).

My criticism comes from me thinking you don't listen to the right kind of rap. You're not the only one who hates gangsta and luxury rap, but there is good rap. - WonkeyDude98

My parents liked rap music. If you hate pop and rap music so much, you might have a good taste on electronic music. - DynastiNoble

You know what,maybe I was a little cruel in my last comment,it's fine if you hate rap,but next time when your sharing hate,maybe have reasoning(This is constructive criticism) - Nateawesomeness

Rap is awesome. - visitor

I hate rap - visitor

Rap is awesome. Besides, I think I might be the opposite of PositronWildhawk in many ways. - AlphaQ

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