A Sarcastic Overview of UKIP

Welcome, Wilkommen, Benvenuto, get the hell out of- sorry… Bun Venit, to Great Britain! We’re a highly diverse nation, with a strong relationship with Europe, and our economy is running beautifully. We think. So let’s stop that NOW! As an empire, we have fought hard to keep invaders where they come from, and gone through as much suffering as we please to keep our pride running ahead of our common sense! RULE MOTHERF***ING BRITANNIA! By telling the gullible over-patriotic maniacs of this country this over and over, and scaring them by implanting people with foreign accents everywhere until they can’t tell a ticking clock from a tribe member, we’re improving this country! By making it ridiculously hard to get across the channel, and harder still to get a job here, not with all the teachers and medics losing their jobs under our domain, the British economy’s going to plummet, but because we’re a flawless political party, we will more than easily survive off each other! Now doesn’t that sound awesome?!

In spite of how that last paragraph may have come across, we’re not a bunch of arrogant, stupid, racist morons, oh no. We’re simply a party of proud traditionalist maniacs led by a half-man, half-frog whose name sounds like French cheese and who sleeps under cars when he’s drunk, cries himself to sleep at night, and claims he’s late to everything because immigrants block the roads, or so the legend of our glorious leader states. Under his dictatorship, three quarters of the country’s hospitals shall be replaced by military camps and factories surrounded by 50kV wire, so essentially, homes for the poor. And why should we need those services anyway? It’s only a matter of time before every show on daytime television is a cheap hospital drama! Three quarters of the country’s schools shall be replaced with solid platinum and gold statues of our glorious leader, with other inspiring democratic figures from Vladimir Lenin to Genghis Khan. This is because our ideas are academia aplenty; children even learn when abandoned in pubs! To desire more, to desire difference, is vituperation on our much loved immaculate doctrine. This idea was made by the United Kingdom’s finest aspiring autocrat himself, and it is because of that that this is a righteous and unquestionable decision. Our arbitrary train of thought is going in a general direction as much as it is safe to obstruct.

The Times made this man Man of the Year, and we’re more than delighted to have them celebrate our greatness, otherwise it would be too late for them to save themselves from our wrath. When he’s the ruler of all he surveys, which we shall tempt you to make possible by sale of tacky t-shirts and teddy bears with purple rosettes, Britain shall be more than proud to follow his satanic rituals and underground those who don’t talk any of the government approved accents; with so many foreigners working for the Times, as well as damn well everything with the exception of us, we pay a minor price by undermining some of our hardest workers and making other countries more likely to hate your guts, as long as it keeps our country safe from the poisonous monsters of Brussels, because our glorious leader is the only vegetable that a truly Great Britain will want in sight!

Do you still think that we’re a bunch of arrogant, stupid, racist morons? Well, you just believe the trashy news sources which at least claim to be unbiased. We will literally do anything to prove that we’re not racist, and if that doesn’t convince you, nothing will, because we say things in as much detail as that, and let the public absorb every blank and invaluable rant until they blindly agree with us about things that aren’t even directly relevant. This sort of thing works all the time, we suggest trying it out, particularly in a political rally, an English exam, or our citizenship test. We host absurdly awesome “diversity carnivals” which everyone is raring to attend, celebrating how those who are different from us have their own things; Germany has our glorious leader’s wife, as well as other historical diplomatic heroes which we are sure you’ve all heard of, Russia has the four Olympic rings and rivers flowing with vodka and nuclear warheads, and of course, every bloody country in the world has the guts to take our jobs and our money. Anyone who even thinks about it is most welcome, according to our terms and conditions*. You can see why so many conservatives have defected to us, and we’ve been more than happy to accept them taking some of our places, because we don’t like hypocrisy, what we like is being honest about what and who we deceive.

So, with our sophisticated plan for a totalitarian Britain, with endless cascades of philosophical propaganda, from “British Home Structures Shouldn’t Involve Poles” to “Women University Professors: Who Cooks for Whom?”, which are as fair towards humanity as they are foolproof, and not to mention our hard work to get the lost residents of the Boonga-Boonga Jungle back to their natural habit, and the hell away from our borders, we believe voting for us would be an absolutely splendid idea, what, for the many different people of the United Kingdom, who shall be made to reproduce at exponentially rising rates, and not need the right to vote again! When we rule the world, Swedish meatballs will be renamed “Spheres of European Influence”, and curries will be renamed “Chilli Slop”, because nothing is stronger than Great Britain’s multicultural demeanours.

*Smallprint: Any sensitive individuals may wish not to read terms and conditions. Accepting terms and conditions are necessary for you to enter the country. Your attention is brought to Section 4: Restricted Ideologies, Section 7: Government Approved Accents, Section 8: The Crushing Expense of our Education and Healthcare Systems, Section 11: Illegal Mystic Burial Rituals, and Section 18: What Happens If You Question Our Autocratic Authority.

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