A Sarcastic Overview of University Halls (The Sarcasm Series’ Second Birthday Special!!!!!!!!)

PositronWildhawk After billions of years of evolution, in spite of humankind’s intelligent methods of thought processing, which gave rise to philosophy, engineering, literature and PornHub, you and I remain tethered to nature’s game of survival of the fittest in our run-of-the-mill routines. Survivaltakes wit, cunning and adaptation, all qualities of austere, raw intelligence.The most able of us, whose academic prowess and money has separated us from the barbaric, foolish and disgusting hooligans of our otherwise perfectly balanced society, like nothing better but to put every cognitive strength which they boast to the test. Our desire for endurance is one which we all hold dear and never take for granted, so the best way for the eggheads of the next generation of human knowledge to exploit their power is to gather in the spots where Sir Isaac Newton used to stress-wank over whether he’d ever amount to anything and replicate this practice in single file. Welcome to University Halls.

Let’s follow a typical resident of a typical floor adjacent to the overly explicit party arena. He brings a bag of ridiculous clothes, five sets of speakers for each electronic device, and twenty tons of scrap notes, up three sets of stairs and across a corridor, into the luxury solitary confinement cell that they all said was so much cooler than home.
What he will shortly find to accompany him includes a bed taking up half the floor while remaining perfectly cosy for Warwick Davis when he was five, so literally anyone, two hair breadths of pacing room, pale walls which let any music and/or mice through, a basin with dispensable liquid oxygen to freeze the grime off of one’s individual skin cell which the maximum stream will produce, and a desk with a helpful and soothing face-down reminder to start and finish the fifteen page project in minus six days. This is a completely outstanding way of living, where preparation for leaving the Earth in a small capsule while being subject to resonant vibrations from the musical walls and having no better way to enhance the mighty power of the brain by keeping intoxicating barley beverages by the sink is only the start of what is to come.

An ordinary day begins. After achieving a personal record ofthree hours of sleep, our prestigious mind steps out of his box and heads downthe corridor to the shower. Delighted to be accompanied by the girl in the box next to his, many glances are made before an hour of each other checking whether or not they’re being watched. Just as each of them has got in the shower, and switched to the solitary setting: ice cold, which shouldn’t distract anyone from intelligent thoughts with trivial decisions or lack of thermal equilibrium, the doors swing open and their latest photogenic forced selfies spread like wildfire. Just by going for a chilly wash, this man had become a college-wide model, and was soon to receive praise from his colleagues for having such a small vegetable.
The college day schedule is nigh. There’s a lecture at ten,and then not a lot. An unprejudiced course balance, with physicists subject to 20 work hours a week and geographers subject to 5, ensures that everyone has something to do while they’re sick of the same old differential equation which won’t solve itself. The halls are a great place to go; organising raves and pub crawls in which you must have greater than 5% blood alcohol to enter, and must be fully awake at midnight to be there on time, and completely smashed within minutes. So before that, why not practice with games like taking a shot everytime your lecturer says “the”? A productive, mature and sophisticated use of time, especially a time to jump off any cliff your colleagues tell you too. The smartest people go to these universities, so it must logically be without side-effect. Is your liver dysfunctional? At least it’s not slowing down the brain.

After hours of productive and useful bodily damage, our somewhat tipsy genius goes into the kitchen opposite his corridor, and prepares whatever food catches his eye. With the fridge stacked with what might be breast milk, as cow milk these days is exchanged for money, and bread grown from their own body’s yeast, the funding for this kitchen primarily goes towards the burn-risk-free oven and the gym bicycle powered toaster. With high but balanced content of protein, pulled teeth and salmonella, cooking at college is always full of surprises. Funny that that should be brought up; everyone here gets it.
And then, when our genius relaxes in his cosy dorm, he is serenaded by the regular thump of the same commercial deep house song we’ve all heard umpteen times, only made so much cooler by a heavy bass speaker at full volume which convinces these brainboxes that everything is bass house, and everyone decides the only thing to do is to lie awake in its awesomeness. Who needs sleep, let alone restoring one’s mental health, retaining information for the impending tests, and getting over hangovers if you can get out into the centre of the quadrangle and be filmed dancing like a seal full of muscle relaxant and wasted even further? The diversity of activities is extreme, and to think it was the same every night of every week would be an amateur’s interpretation. If you think that, you shouldn’t really be in college.

So all in all, the accommodation, for almost the cost of the tuition itself, proves to show that only the really strong can survive, so testing one’s ability to catch diseases through any hole imaginable, proves to be an amazing feat of the human mind. By showing what we are capable of while we have the burden of learning advanced academics, it shows that there is more to our willpower than simply studying. Which is why, as a philosopher myself, I should have started my application by stating how I would dip my genitals in fire ant nests and ate only bark chip for seven years. This is the sort of stuff that gets you into university.

Comments

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THIS IS ACCURATE! - MontyPython (1/18/2016)

Excellent! And I thought I wasn't capable to get into uni. There IS hope...! - visitor (1/18/2016)

You've been, haven't you?... - PositronWildhawk (1/18/2016)

... jump off any cliff your colleagues tell you *to. - PetSounds (1/18/2016)

Bollocks. - PositronWildhawk (1/18/2016)

Going from "oo" to "o" makes you think of bollocks? Hm… - PetSounds (1/19/2016)

Well, it is sharper. - PositronWildhawk (1/20/2016)

Kinda like a lazy eye. - keycha1n (1/21/2016)

Your all such nerds - Puga (1/25/2016)

So 3 hours is a record? What's the least amount? - Martinglez (1/20/2016)

Zilch. - PositronWildhawk (1/20/2016)

Well that is tedious - Martinglez (1/21/2016)

Ah, those were the good days - visitor (1/20/2016)

Lmao about pornhub. - visitor (1/21/2016)

Kek pornhub - bobbythebrony (1/24/2016)

Gee, my blogging is so wonderful because of that ONE detail, isn't it?! - PositronWildhawk (1/25/2016)

You sound smart - visitor (7/30/2016)